All The News That's Apt to Scare

GREG: Hi, I’m Greg McQuake, local TV news anchor. I’m filling in for the missing Steve Cook and I just want to say right up front, I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. There are so many frightening things in the news and I thought I’d use this space to promote our morning news show and to let you know just how terrified I am. For starters, the weather scares me. Have you noticed just how hot it is? How hot will it get tomorrow? For the answer, tune in to our “I’m Scared as Heck” alerts each morning on our local news program.

JULIE: Excuse me, Greg. Hi, folks. I’m Julie Fearmonger, Greg’s capable co-host, and I just want to reiterate that this heat could kill you. In fact, probably most of you could die unless you tune into our early morning newscast.

GREG: Thanks, Julie, but I can handle this. It’s just a little-read blog, not our stellar early morning newscast. But, Julie’s right folks. If you don’t listen to our segment tomorrow morning dealing with staying cool through this killer heat wave, chances are you will be dead by this weekend.

JULIE: Enough with the weather, Greg. There are other things to be scared about.

GREG: Again, I can handle this, Julie. And, yes, there are other things going on in our fair city that scare me to death. For instance, have you heard about the ongoing search for a train that may be buried in a tunnel under a hill? Scary stuff. I mean if there’s one abandoned tunnel there could be millions of others. Could your house be ready to cave in on an abandoned tunnel? That would likely kill you, you know. Tune in tomorrow morning and I’ll have the answer.

JULIE: Now, you have me scared, Greg. In fact, every time I hear you do the news, I cringe.

GREG: Well, gee, thanks Julie. I guess you can stick around and help me do the blog. I am pretty good as an alarmist, aren’t I?

JULIE: The best I’ve ever worked with. Of course, my previous experience was working with Gene Cox. He wouldn’t get alarmed if his mouth were on fire.

GREG: Ha, Ha. Good one, Julie. But, we’ve gotten somewhat off-track here. There’s a bunch of other scary stuff in the news. For instance, there’s the warning from the NAACP, to stay out of Target Stores. I don’t know who this NAACP is but when they sound the alarm, this reporter is going to be listening. I wonder how close is too close to get to a Target store.

JULIE: You don’t know who the NAACP is, Greg? It’s the National Association of people who don’t like to be called Colored People. They’re urging blacks to boycott Target because Target didn’t fill out an NAACP-sponsored survey regarding diversity.

GREG: Oooh! I didn’t know that. Thanks for the background info, Julie. That tells me that surveys might be harmful to one’s health. Watch out folks. You may be confronted with a survey when you least expect it. Julie, maybe we can do a piece on tomorrow’s newscast providing our viewers with some helpful hints as how to protect themselves from surveys.

JULIE: Uh, yeah, right you are Greg. I’ll get on it, if you’d like.

GREG: There you have it, folks. You don’t want to miss our “I’m Scared as Heck” alerts on tomorrow’s news.

JULIE: By the way, Greg, I heard you say that Steve Cook is missing. I wonder if something terrible happened to him. Aren’t you terrified just thinking about it?

GREG: Nah.