Why I Want To Be Famous - In a Thousand Words or Less

I'd like to be famous. Now, that may sound rather arrogant, but, as you know, humility is my middle name. Actually, it's a family name, but...whatever. It's not that I think that I have the talent it takes to be famous. It's not because I want to be worshiped and adored. There's really only one reason I'd love to be famous and I can sum it up in two words: FREE STUFF!
Famous people are always being given things. For instance, I hear car dealers will give people like Tom Cruse cars to drive. Then after a few months, he gives the car back and the dealer can sell it as a car driven by Tom Cruse. Now tell me that isn't cool. Don't even waste your breath, because I know it is cool. I'd like someone to give me a HDTV for a few months. I'd also like XM Radio and another pair of Haggar slacks. Gee, if I were famous, I'd bet I'd have all that stuff...for free.
I bet when a famous person goes into a restaurant, hundreds of people are just begging to buy him a meal or a drink. The only problem I'd have with that is that I'd lose my girlish figure right quickly. But, it would be great.
And, think about this. Suppose I was famous and I wanted something and no one was offering to give it to me, all I'd have to do is sign a few photos of myself, put 'em on E-Bay, and sell my autographs. I'd be rich in minutes...just from signing my own name. That really is too cool. I think being able to sell your own autograph would be about the best gig anyone could ever have. No matter where you went, you could find work. I think it would be a good job for homeless people to look into. Of course, they'd have to become famous first. Famous people are the luckiest people on earth, except for handicapped people who get all the great parking spaces.
People love famous people...even infamous people like O.J. Can you believe that when he flew home the other day, other passengers on the plane were standing in line to get his picture? He probably got some free drinks and stuff just for being O.J. Maybe if I change my name to S.C. I'll become famous. Maybe I could try putting my autograph on E-Bay and see if someone would buy it. You know, that's a thought. There are plenty of stupid people out there. Maybe I could convince someone I was famous.
I think what I need to get me is an entourage. I'm not sure how you go about getting that, but if I could hire some people to follow me around and swoon and fawn (I'd never used those two words together. I like it), maybe then I could convince people I was famous. Even O.J. had his posse. That's exactly what I need...a posse. Now that would be cool. If I had a posse, even if no one would buy me a meal, I bet one of them would. I'm just guessing, because I've never had a posse, but I bet there are a bunch of perks. I'm getting excited now.
I'm going to put a posse together. If any of you would like to apply, let me say right up front, there's no pay in it. But, at least you'd get to go to lots of really nice places. But, of course, youd' have to be willing to pay your way and mine. But, you could go around telling your friends, "S.C. and I were at the club the other night," or "S.C. and I are heading to Paris." Impressive, eh? Think about it.