I think I want to talk about armpits today. I tell you that, so, just in case you're one of those people who doesn't enjoy a good armpit conversation, you can tune out now. I think, though, you'll have to admit, that this is a subject about which I don't write often.
I've been thinking about armpits since I read a news story recently about this guy in England. He was, according to a British news report, wearing a vest while being shown how to use a new piece of equipment at a gym to which he had belonged for a couple of years. I'm thinking that what the Brits call a vest, is what we call a wife-beater, or a tank top. I can't imagine a real vest on a guy in a gym, but I am not savvy to all those English customs.
Anyway, this guy was working out at the gym when one of the female instructors approaches him and requests that he wear a tee shirt rather than the vest. Apparently, this lady told him that the sight of his "big hairy armpits" would be offensive to other members of the fitness club.
Now, you're probably asking yourself the same question, I've been wondering about. By using the term, "big hairy armpits," was this woman saying that his armpits were big, or that he had big hair growing under them? Or, was the problem that his armpits were both big and hairy? You see the dilemma here. How can you blame a man if his armpits are big. I mean maybe that's why he joined the gym for heavens sake. Although, come to think of it, I've never heard anyone complain about big armpits. I have a lot of weight to lose in several different parts of my body, but I don't think even once in my life have I looked in the mirror and said, "I've got to do something about these huge armpits." In fact, not that I go around boasting, but I think my armpits are a very nice size.
If the woman was saying he had big hair growing under his armpits, that, too, wouldn't make sense. Maybe she meant long hair, or hair in abundance. But could this guy have so much more hair than what you'd find under the average male armpit that he alone would be asked to cover his pits up? I'm guessing he was not Rapunzel-like as regards his armpit hair. I mean if he had armpit hair down to his waist, then I, too, would ask him to cover it up. But, I would like to see it first.
This hairy armpit guy, Anthony Ward, by name, had the most erudite comment. He said, "To me, an armpit is just part of the body." You know, he's bloody right about that. And, I don't think anyone can really argue with him on that point. I'm not sure that his point is germane. I would imagine there are other parts of the body we'd all want to keep covered in the gym, but you can't argue with him when he contends that the armpit is a part of the human body.
Being the great journalist I am, I researched this story a little further. Seems that the female instructor added the offensive big hairy armpit line as an addendum to her main point. What she had told all of the exercisers is that they should keep their armpits covered because their sweat could rust the equipment. If these guys and gals are sloshing so much armpit sweat around the gym as to cause harm to the equipment, it kind of makes me afraid to go back to my gym. At the very least I'm going to wear goggles.
This whole story reminds me of a girl I knew in high school. She was one of those people that made even me look not so dorky. Poor thing, her face gave a whole new meaning to the word ugly. But, the thing I remember most about her is that by 8:30 in the morning, she had armpit sweat rings that went down to her hips. I mean this gal was putting out some major sweat. You'd think if you sweated like that, you'd be somewhat reluctant to raise your hand in class. Not this one. Her hand was raised high for every question. She was the original, "Pick me! Pick me!" girl. I've often wondered what happened to her. She sat next to me in typing class. Now that I'm thinking about all this, I'm wondering if she's the reason my typewriter keys kept sticking.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
But I Can Walk and Chew Gum, Almost at the Same Time
I've made some important self-discoveries over the past few months. One of the most important is that I've come to the realization that I am a total oaf. Nary a day goes by that I don't knock something over, or spill a drink, especially on my white shirts, or do something else to totally embarrass myself.
I would love to picture myself as sauve, debonair...even Fred Astair-like. But I know that's not true. Even in simple, daily activities, I manage to botch things up. Take the other night, for instance. My wife and I were preparing to leave the house to attend an important meeting. It was during the recent cold spell, so, in order to be thoughtful, I went out and started the car. Actually, it was a truck I started because my wife's car was in the shop. She had recently gone hunting for venison along Interstate 64, using the hood of her car as a weapon.
Anyway, I start this rental truck and close the door. Simple, eh? All of a sudden I hear this clicking sound. For some reason, without my having even touched anything, all the doors locked. There I was, locked out of a truck, with its engine running. I had to call the auto rental company and confess my stupidity. They sent a guy out to unlock it, but the truck ran for an hour-and-a-half until he got there.
I may have told you about my oafish incident on the United Airlines jet, during my (fabulous) trip to China. I know I mentioned that I had been squeezed into a seat which would have been extremely comfortable for a double amputee. But, even with my stubby little legs, it was very painful. Anyway, I finally, after suffering in silence for about two hours, mustered enough courage to ask the two guys who were sitting beside me (I was by the window), if they would let me out to use the restroom. As they maneuvered to let me out, I quickly slipped on my shoes and headed down the aisle. After walking past dozens of passengers, I heard something dragging behind me. I looked down, and to my chagrin, I noticed that when I had slipped on my shoe, I had caught a plastic bag, containing all my snacks, between my foot and the inside of the shoe. Here I was dragging this bag behind me down the aisle, leaving an M and M trail, in a somewhat Hansel and Gretel manner.
I don't know how many of the other passengers noticed me, but I do know I felt like a fool. I redeemed myself though, by neglecting to zip up before I exited the restroom. I'm glad I was able to, at least, provide a little entertainment on a long, boring flight.
I'm constantly doing something stupid. I was in the drive-through line at a bank not too long ago. I was riding with a friend, and, for some reason, I decided while the friend waited in line, I would jump out, use the ATM and then hop back in the car. Everything went smoothly. Too smoothly. I was out of their car, completed my banking, and back in their car before the friend ever made it to the teller window. Only problem...I jumped in someone else's car. I swear the car's looked too much alike. Well, at least they were the same color...almost.
Anyway, I hopped in the passenger side and said, "See I told you I could do it." And then, the horror. I looked over at the friend. Only it wasn't my friend. It was a terror-struck woman, who I'm sure was not expecting a strange man to hop in her car. At least, from the look she gave me, that's what I surmised. Fortunately, I jumped out before she could scream, or, at least, before I could hear her scream.
That was one of my more embarrassing oafish moments, but there have been, and continue to be others...like the time I went for a job interview with mismatched shoes, or that business luncheon where I managed to knock over three glasses of iced tea, with just one errant knee banging into the table leg. I try to comfort myself by telling myself that these things happen to everyone. But, I really think I have more than my share of such occurrences.
I wonder if there is any way to make money out of this. You know, how you can hire clowns for children's parties? I don't suppose any of you would like to rent an oaf for an afternoon, would you? I'm sure your guests would quite amused.
I would love to picture myself as sauve, debonair...even Fred Astair-like. But I know that's not true. Even in simple, daily activities, I manage to botch things up. Take the other night, for instance. My wife and I were preparing to leave the house to attend an important meeting. It was during the recent cold spell, so, in order to be thoughtful, I went out and started the car. Actually, it was a truck I started because my wife's car was in the shop. She had recently gone hunting for venison along Interstate 64, using the hood of her car as a weapon.
Anyway, I start this rental truck and close the door. Simple, eh? All of a sudden I hear this clicking sound. For some reason, without my having even touched anything, all the doors locked. There I was, locked out of a truck, with its engine running. I had to call the auto rental company and confess my stupidity. They sent a guy out to unlock it, but the truck ran for an hour-and-a-half until he got there.
I may have told you about my oafish incident on the United Airlines jet, during my (fabulous) trip to China. I know I mentioned that I had been squeezed into a seat which would have been extremely comfortable for a double amputee. But, even with my stubby little legs, it was very painful. Anyway, I finally, after suffering in silence for about two hours, mustered enough courage to ask the two guys who were sitting beside me (I was by the window), if they would let me out to use the restroom. As they maneuvered to let me out, I quickly slipped on my shoes and headed down the aisle. After walking past dozens of passengers, I heard something dragging behind me. I looked down, and to my chagrin, I noticed that when I had slipped on my shoe, I had caught a plastic bag, containing all my snacks, between my foot and the inside of the shoe. Here I was dragging this bag behind me down the aisle, leaving an M and M trail, in a somewhat Hansel and Gretel manner.
I don't know how many of the other passengers noticed me, but I do know I felt like a fool. I redeemed myself though, by neglecting to zip up before I exited the restroom. I'm glad I was able to, at least, provide a little entertainment on a long, boring flight.
I'm constantly doing something stupid. I was in the drive-through line at a bank not too long ago. I was riding with a friend, and, for some reason, I decided while the friend waited in line, I would jump out, use the ATM and then hop back in the car. Everything went smoothly. Too smoothly. I was out of their car, completed my banking, and back in their car before the friend ever made it to the teller window. Only problem...I jumped in someone else's car. I swear the car's looked too much alike. Well, at least they were the same color...almost.
Anyway, I hopped in the passenger side and said, "See I told you I could do it." And then, the horror. I looked over at the friend. Only it wasn't my friend. It was a terror-struck woman, who I'm sure was not expecting a strange man to hop in her car. At least, from the look she gave me, that's what I surmised. Fortunately, I jumped out before she could scream, or, at least, before I could hear her scream.
That was one of my more embarrassing oafish moments, but there have been, and continue to be others...like the time I went for a job interview with mismatched shoes, or that business luncheon where I managed to knock over three glasses of iced tea, with just one errant knee banging into the table leg. I try to comfort myself by telling myself that these things happen to everyone. But, I really think I have more than my share of such occurrences.
I wonder if there is any way to make money out of this. You know, how you can hire clowns for children's parties? I don't suppose any of you would like to rent an oaf for an afternoon, would you? I'm sure your guests would quite amused.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
A Retraction is Definitely in Order
You know, I really shouldn’t criticize anyone who takes the time to comment on one of my blogish columns. I really do appreciate all who read, and especially those who respond. And that even goes for a guy in the Martinsville, Virginia area who commented on a recent column dealing with the callous way injuries are dealt with in professional sports. Mr. “I’m Not Emeril” began his response by quoting me. Apparently, what I said got under his skin. Here are his comments:
"'In NASCAR, they'll hose the remains of a fellow driver off the track, as the other drivers do laps under the caution flag. As soon as the mess is gone, the green flag comes back out.'(that’s what I had said. The writer continues…)
Really? When has this happened?
To my recollection after over 40 years of close scrutiny of NASCAR, I can't recall anything remotely similar ever happening. In my memory, the incident most similar to your account occurred in 1964 when Joe Weatherly was killed at about the halfway point of a race in Riverside California. Yes, that race resumed, but without the gory spectacle you describe.
While your observation on football, both NFL and college is correct, I'm afraid you have exaggerated a bit too much in your previous paragraph.
A little "literary license" is okay, but that one is ridiculous.
I fully expect to see a retraction."
Okay, Mr. Emeril, I will admit that there probably hasn’t been a true hosing incident in NASCAR. But, for those of you who thought I was speaking literally, let me explain that I was using hyperbole to make my point, which I reiterate, rather than retract: NASCAR thinks nothing of putting the race ahead of any individual’s life.
Mr. Emeril has scrutinized NASCAR for years, he says. I haven’t scrutinized NASCAR, but I was attending races in Martinsville more than forty years ago. I remember many a death or serious injury, at various tracks through the years, but I can't recall one incident where the race was stopped because someone had been injured. Can you?
Please take a look at a few NASCAR related news stories over the past few years. Here’s something written for Flak Magazine by Ben Welch, following the death of NASCAR superstar Dale Earnhardt in the final lap of the Daytona 500, in February, 2001:
"In a little more than 11 years, 10 NASCAR drivers have died while driving close to 200 mph on racetracks around the country. What has been NASCAR's response time and time again? 'Oh well, they died doing what they loved. The show must go on.'
"When Adam Petty died on turn three of a Loudon, New Hampshire, racetrack in 2000, the NASCAR tour continued without a hitch. Two months later, wouldn't you know, Kenny Irwin died on turn three of that very same track. The week after Earnhardt died in Daytona, in fact, there was a NASCAR race in Michigan in which Dale Earnhardt's son, Dale Earnhardt Jr., was involved in a crash eerily similar to his father's. The show must go on, indeed!"
Those are Ben Welch’s words not mine. Reflect on this news report following a NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series race, in which driver Tony Roper had been killed. Again, we go back to the year 2000.
"FORT WORTH, Texas -- It was a night of triumph and tragedy at Friday's running of the O'Reilly 400 NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series race at Texas Motor Speedway. On the positive side, Bryan Reffner won the first truck race of his 112-start career and Greg Biffle was crowned as series champion. That was all darkened, however, by an accident which claimed the life of 35-year-old driver Tony Roper of Fair Grove, Mo. Roper, driving the No. 26 Mittler Brothers Ford, tried to squeeze between two other trucks on lap 31, made contact with one of them and shot hard into the outside wall on the front stretch. His truck came to rest near turn one and rescue crews were forced to cut Roper free from the wreckage. He was reported "unconscious and unresponsive" when he was transported to a local hospital via helicopter. He was officially pronounced dead the following morning."
Since Tony Roper didn’t actually die until the next day, obviously there was no need to hose him off the track. But, the tone of the story is clear. Great night for Bryan Reffner and Greg Biffle. Too bad about Tony. As the old joke goes, “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”
But, the closest example to virtually hosing off the remains of a driver and ensuring that “the show goes on,” goes back to Watkins Glen, New York, August 11, 1991.
On the fifth lap of the race, something broke on driver J.D. McDuffie’s car, leaving him with no brakes. His car careened out of control, struck another driver’s car, and after striking a tire barrier went airborne. McDuffie was killed instantly. Following the completion of the race…oh yes, the race must go on…Ernie Irvan, the eventual winner, remembered to mention McDuffie in Victory Lane with the words, "After all I've been through, this is a great victory, but winning is tempered by J.D.'s death. I dedicate this victory to him. Every time we went through the turn where he crashed, I thought about him. I've known what it is like to struggle in this sport without a sponsor just like he did, and I'll always remember him."
Gee Ernie, that’s mighty big of you. You've been through so much, but you still managed to think about McDuffie every time you passed the spot where he had been impaled on his steering column. Of course, it had to be a fleeting thought; you had a race to win. And, that was a nice little extra touch, reminding everyone that McDuffie was not one of the more successful drivers on the circuit.
I rest my case. Mr. Emeril you ask for a retraction. I agree. One is needed. And, you may use the comments section to make it.
"'In NASCAR, they'll hose the remains of a fellow driver off the track, as the other drivers do laps under the caution flag. As soon as the mess is gone, the green flag comes back out.'(that’s what I had said. The writer continues…)
Really? When has this happened?
To my recollection after over 40 years of close scrutiny of NASCAR, I can't recall anything remotely similar ever happening. In my memory, the incident most similar to your account occurred in 1964 when Joe Weatherly was killed at about the halfway point of a race in Riverside California. Yes, that race resumed, but without the gory spectacle you describe.
While your observation on football, both NFL and college is correct, I'm afraid you have exaggerated a bit too much in your previous paragraph.
A little "literary license" is okay, but that one is ridiculous.
I fully expect to see a retraction."
Okay, Mr. Emeril, I will admit that there probably hasn’t been a true hosing incident in NASCAR. But, for those of you who thought I was speaking literally, let me explain that I was using hyperbole to make my point, which I reiterate, rather than retract: NASCAR thinks nothing of putting the race ahead of any individual’s life.
Mr. Emeril has scrutinized NASCAR for years, he says. I haven’t scrutinized NASCAR, but I was attending races in Martinsville more than forty years ago. I remember many a death or serious injury, at various tracks through the years, but I can't recall one incident where the race was stopped because someone had been injured. Can you?
Please take a look at a few NASCAR related news stories over the past few years. Here’s something written for Flak Magazine by Ben Welch, following the death of NASCAR superstar Dale Earnhardt in the final lap of the Daytona 500, in February, 2001:
"In a little more than 11 years, 10 NASCAR drivers have died while driving close to 200 mph on racetracks around the country. What has been NASCAR's response time and time again? 'Oh well, they died doing what they loved. The show must go on.'
"When Adam Petty died on turn three of a Loudon, New Hampshire, racetrack in 2000, the NASCAR tour continued without a hitch. Two months later, wouldn't you know, Kenny Irwin died on turn three of that very same track. The week after Earnhardt died in Daytona, in fact, there was a NASCAR race in Michigan in which Dale Earnhardt's son, Dale Earnhardt Jr., was involved in a crash eerily similar to his father's. The show must go on, indeed!"
Those are Ben Welch’s words not mine. Reflect on this news report following a NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series race, in which driver Tony Roper had been killed. Again, we go back to the year 2000.
"FORT WORTH, Texas -- It was a night of triumph and tragedy at Friday's running of the O'Reilly 400 NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series race at Texas Motor Speedway. On the positive side, Bryan Reffner won the first truck race of his 112-start career and Greg Biffle was crowned as series champion. That was all darkened, however, by an accident which claimed the life of 35-year-old driver Tony Roper of Fair Grove, Mo. Roper, driving the No. 26 Mittler Brothers Ford, tried to squeeze between two other trucks on lap 31, made contact with one of them and shot hard into the outside wall on the front stretch. His truck came to rest near turn one and rescue crews were forced to cut Roper free from the wreckage. He was reported "unconscious and unresponsive" when he was transported to a local hospital via helicopter. He was officially pronounced dead the following morning."
Since Tony Roper didn’t actually die until the next day, obviously there was no need to hose him off the track. But, the tone of the story is clear. Great night for Bryan Reffner and Greg Biffle. Too bad about Tony. As the old joke goes, “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”
But, the closest example to virtually hosing off the remains of a driver and ensuring that “the show goes on,” goes back to Watkins Glen, New York, August 11, 1991.
On the fifth lap of the race, something broke on driver J.D. McDuffie’s car, leaving him with no brakes. His car careened out of control, struck another driver’s car, and after striking a tire barrier went airborne. McDuffie was killed instantly. Following the completion of the race…oh yes, the race must go on…Ernie Irvan, the eventual winner, remembered to mention McDuffie in Victory Lane with the words, "After all I've been through, this is a great victory, but winning is tempered by J.D.'s death. I dedicate this victory to him. Every time we went through the turn where he crashed, I thought about him. I've known what it is like to struggle in this sport without a sponsor just like he did, and I'll always remember him."
Gee Ernie, that’s mighty big of you. You've been through so much, but you still managed to think about McDuffie every time you passed the spot where he had been impaled on his steering column. Of course, it had to be a fleeting thought; you had a race to win. And, that was a nice little extra touch, reminding everyone that McDuffie was not one of the more successful drivers on the circuit.
I rest my case. Mr. Emeril you ask for a retraction. I agree. One is needed. And, you may use the comments section to make it.
Not So Smooth Saling
Oh, by the way, did you hear that yesterday was Black Friday? Unless you spent the day under a rock, you probably heard it over and over and over again. It's all they could talk about on the radio. Big deal. It's a huge shopping day. And that's supposed to be news?
I'm surprised the NAACP hasn't protested. Black Friday is like this really violent day of shopping. People are rioting in the malls. Isn't it just a tad racist to call it Black Friday? Or, am I just being overly sensitive. I have been called a true empath on more than one occasion. Well, I've never heard anyone call me that, but I can just feel it.
On one of the network morning news shows they were giving the worst lines uttered by retail clerks. They had such mundane stuff as "Go ask the clerk over there," or "Sorry, I'm on break," or "If it's not on the shelf, it's not in stock."
Yeah, I've heard all of those, but I think I've heard at least two worse lines by retailers...lines that have somewhat traumatized me for life.
Just a couple of years ago, I decided to check out Men's Wearhouse. I'd heard how attentive they were and what great customer service they offered, so in I went to get me a suit.
I'd been in the store about a minute or two when this very lady-like salesman yells across the store, "May I help you?"
Of course, my reply was, "I'm just looking for a suit."
His response was so shocking, I left the store immediately. Do you know what he asked me? He said, "Do you wear a 48?"
A 48! At the time I was wearing a 43, or squeezing into a 42 if need be. What an absolute moron. I've never been a suit salesman, but even I know that you never guess higher than the person's actual size. Why, I'd never been so insulted in my life. I hauled freight out of that store. And, I've never set foot in a Men's Wearhouse again. It hurt, but I've consoled myself with the realization that I just wasn't his type.
Several years ago, and I mean like thirty years ago, a girl I was dating took me to S&K to help me find a suit. She didn't care much for my taste in clothes. We get into the store and the salesman approaches and my friend says, "I want him to have a suit that's really him."
Now, if you were a commissioned salesman, wouldn't you think this is my opportunity to make a sale? I mean this girl(friend) didn't even use the "just looking" phrase. She asked the guy for help in finding, and then, of course, selling, me a suit. But do you know what this idiot says?
Here she has just asked him to find me a suit that was really me. Here I was, the dork of the early seventies, with this big, stupid grin on my face that said I'm ready to be suited up.
And the salesman of the century looks me up and down, turns to my girlfriend and says, "I'm afraid we don't have anything that drab."
After these two experiences in shopping, every day is Black Friday to me.
I'm surprised the NAACP hasn't protested. Black Friday is like this really violent day of shopping. People are rioting in the malls. Isn't it just a tad racist to call it Black Friday? Or, am I just being overly sensitive. I have been called a true empath on more than one occasion. Well, I've never heard anyone call me that, but I can just feel it.
On one of the network morning news shows they were giving the worst lines uttered by retail clerks. They had such mundane stuff as "Go ask the clerk over there," or "Sorry, I'm on break," or "If it's not on the shelf, it's not in stock."
Yeah, I've heard all of those, but I think I've heard at least two worse lines by retailers...lines that have somewhat traumatized me for life.
Just a couple of years ago, I decided to check out Men's Wearhouse. I'd heard how attentive they were and what great customer service they offered, so in I went to get me a suit.
I'd been in the store about a minute or two when this very lady-like salesman yells across the store, "May I help you?"
Of course, my reply was, "I'm just looking for a suit."
His response was so shocking, I left the store immediately. Do you know what he asked me? He said, "Do you wear a 48?"
A 48! At the time I was wearing a 43, or squeezing into a 42 if need be. What an absolute moron. I've never been a suit salesman, but even I know that you never guess higher than the person's actual size. Why, I'd never been so insulted in my life. I hauled freight out of that store. And, I've never set foot in a Men's Wearhouse again. It hurt, but I've consoled myself with the realization that I just wasn't his type.
Several years ago, and I mean like thirty years ago, a girl I was dating took me to S&K to help me find a suit. She didn't care much for my taste in clothes. We get into the store and the salesman approaches and my friend says, "I want him to have a suit that's really him."
Now, if you were a commissioned salesman, wouldn't you think this is my opportunity to make a sale? I mean this girl(friend) didn't even use the "just looking" phrase. She asked the guy for help in finding, and then, of course, selling, me a suit. But do you know what this idiot says?
Here she has just asked him to find me a suit that was really me. Here I was, the dork of the early seventies, with this big, stupid grin on my face that said I'm ready to be suited up.
And the salesman of the century looks me up and down, turns to my girlfriend and says, "I'm afraid we don't have anything that drab."
After these two experiences in shopping, every day is Black Friday to me.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
It's More Than I Can Bare
Well, I've restarted my From Chunk to Hunk Quest. I've started my exercise regime at ACAC, a really great fitness center in Chesterfield County. I'll be telling you more about the center in upcoming issues of Chesterfield Living Magazine. This time i intend to stick with the program.
I know I said that last time, but this time I really mean it. I know I said I really meant it last time, but this time I really, truly do mean it. I didn't use the word "truly" last time, so, as you can tell, this time is for real.
I was helped, by one of the center's senior fitness guys, Chris Henry, to set realistic goals. One of the goals I didn't mention, and really didn't even think about until the first time I took a shower at ACAC, is to lose enough weight so I can make the towels they have there fit around my waist. I envy those guys who can tuck the towels in and walk around without fear of the towels falling off.
Not that I pay attention to other guys walking around with towels. Tim Allen wrote a book entitled, "Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man." I never read his book, so I don't know if he touched on this subject or not, but I take the philosophy a step further. My credo is "Don't Even Acknowledge the Existance of a Naked Man." Some of these naked guys in the locker room can stand around and chat it up with other guys as if they're fully clothed. I can't. I don't even nod at the other guys.
I'm not a fan of public nudity, even if it's an all-men's locker room. At home, I take a shower with my overcoat on. It's not that I'm phobic anything. I am just uncomfortable in a naked environment. I have to walk about 20 feet from my locker to the shower, trying to non-chalantly drape a towel over my body. I don't want to look like I'm uncomfortable about this whole thing. It's kind of like pictures of Adam and Eve you see in some children's Bible story books. They're always hiding the couple behind a tree or a rock or whatever. Well, I do the same thing with towels. I try to look as if I'm just casually carrying my towel, although, in reality, I may have spent ten minutes strategically arranging it. The towels are not so big. So, it takes real skill. I think I pull it off with aplomb.
The worst part is in the steam room, which I love by the way. But you get a bunch of flabby old men, and it sounds like a butcher shop with slabs of meat being thrown on the carving table, as we plop down on the ceramic benches. Then, you sit in this small, steamy room, sweating like a pig, and try to make small talk with a bunch of naked guys. It's not easy.
But, it'll get better. I'm going to lose the weight this time. (I really truly am) I'm going to be able wrap those tiny towels around me and proudly march through the locker room, holding my head high, which, come to think of it, is the best way to walk around naked guys anway.
I know I said that last time, but this time I really mean it. I know I said I really meant it last time, but this time I really, truly do mean it. I didn't use the word "truly" last time, so, as you can tell, this time is for real.
I was helped, by one of the center's senior fitness guys, Chris Henry, to set realistic goals. One of the goals I didn't mention, and really didn't even think about until the first time I took a shower at ACAC, is to lose enough weight so I can make the towels they have there fit around my waist. I envy those guys who can tuck the towels in and walk around without fear of the towels falling off.
Not that I pay attention to other guys walking around with towels. Tim Allen wrote a book entitled, "Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man." I never read his book, so I don't know if he touched on this subject or not, but I take the philosophy a step further. My credo is "Don't Even Acknowledge the Existance of a Naked Man." Some of these naked guys in the locker room can stand around and chat it up with other guys as if they're fully clothed. I can't. I don't even nod at the other guys.
I'm not a fan of public nudity, even if it's an all-men's locker room. At home, I take a shower with my overcoat on. It's not that I'm phobic anything. I am just uncomfortable in a naked environment. I have to walk about 20 feet from my locker to the shower, trying to non-chalantly drape a towel over my body. I don't want to look like I'm uncomfortable about this whole thing. It's kind of like pictures of Adam and Eve you see in some children's Bible story books. They're always hiding the couple behind a tree or a rock or whatever. Well, I do the same thing with towels. I try to look as if I'm just casually carrying my towel, although, in reality, I may have spent ten minutes strategically arranging it. The towels are not so big. So, it takes real skill. I think I pull it off with aplomb.
The worst part is in the steam room, which I love by the way. But you get a bunch of flabby old men, and it sounds like a butcher shop with slabs of meat being thrown on the carving table, as we plop down on the ceramic benches. Then, you sit in this small, steamy room, sweating like a pig, and try to make small talk with a bunch of naked guys. It's not easy.
But, it'll get better. I'm going to lose the weight this time. (I really truly am) I'm going to be able wrap those tiny towels around me and proudly march through the locker room, holding my head high, which, come to think of it, is the best way to walk around naked guys anway.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Heart Stopping Sports Action
I think most of you know me well enough by now to know that if I had a dead horse, I'd beat it. I realize that this is a mental aberration with which I must live. And, so, I honestly make a conscious effort not to continually harp on those few things that peeve me. So, anyway, I'm watching the news last night and Chip Tarkenton, the WRIC sports guy is teasing his upcoming sports report. "You'll never guess what happened during the Red Wings/Predators hockey match tonight," he says.
So, trying not to let that "you'll never guess" tease irritate me, I figure that it's probably some cute little story about a bird that gets loose in the arena, or a drunk that wanders on the ice, or something else equally as entertaining. Turns out the little guessing game about which Tarkenton is so excited has to do with one of the Detroit players, Jirl Fischer, having a seizure during the game. The guy is sitting on the bench and his heart stops...I mean his literal heart literally stopped. And, Chip is treating it like a cute little anecdote.
Now the real reason I mention this story is not to slam Tarkenton. It's to comment on the way the NHL and the Detroit and Nashville teams handled this. Hockey has not been a favorite sport of mine. In fact, last season was my favorite NHL season. I'm just not crazy about toothless, French-speaking guys.
But, based on last night's events, I think I'll make the NHL my favorite professional sports league for a couple of days. After Fischer was hooked up to an auto defibrillator, and his heart was restarted, he was carried out of the arena on a stretcher. The P.A. guy told the crowd that he was okay, but that the game was being postponed. Hooray for hockey.
In NASCAR, they'll hose the remains of a fellow driver off the track, as the other drivers do laps under the caution flag. As soon as the mess is gone, the green flag comes back out.
I've seen football games, pro and college, where a guy will appear to be totally paralyzed. They'll hook him up to oxygen, cart him off and the game goes on. I've often thought that to be a rather callous attitude. After all, it is just a game. If I had a teammate hauled to the hospital in what appeared to be critical condition, I don't think I'd have much interest in continuing to play for the time being. And, if I was the opposing player who had just, perhaps, permanently crippled another player, I think my mind would be on more serious things, plus I'd be reluctant to take a chance on destroying another players life in the same game. But then, I'm a sentimental old fool.
So, I really want to commend the Detroit Red Wings and the Nashville Predators. Hockey can be an ugly sport. It's kind of like wrestling on ice, except the blood is real. It's nice to know that to some athletes there are some things more important than the game.
I did read that Jirl Fischer had been diagnosed with heart abnormalities back in 2002. He had said at the time that his heart is just a little thicker than most. But, the guy keeps playing. Seems the same might be said about his head as well.
So, trying not to let that "you'll never guess" tease irritate me, I figure that it's probably some cute little story about a bird that gets loose in the arena, or a drunk that wanders on the ice, or something else equally as entertaining. Turns out the little guessing game about which Tarkenton is so excited has to do with one of the Detroit players, Jirl Fischer, having a seizure during the game. The guy is sitting on the bench and his heart stops...I mean his literal heart literally stopped. And, Chip is treating it like a cute little anecdote.
Now the real reason I mention this story is not to slam Tarkenton. It's to comment on the way the NHL and the Detroit and Nashville teams handled this. Hockey has not been a favorite sport of mine. In fact, last season was my favorite NHL season. I'm just not crazy about toothless, French-speaking guys.
But, based on last night's events, I think I'll make the NHL my favorite professional sports league for a couple of days. After Fischer was hooked up to an auto defibrillator, and his heart was restarted, he was carried out of the arena on a stretcher. The P.A. guy told the crowd that he was okay, but that the game was being postponed. Hooray for hockey.
In NASCAR, they'll hose the remains of a fellow driver off the track, as the other drivers do laps under the caution flag. As soon as the mess is gone, the green flag comes back out.
I've seen football games, pro and college, where a guy will appear to be totally paralyzed. They'll hook him up to oxygen, cart him off and the game goes on. I've often thought that to be a rather callous attitude. After all, it is just a game. If I had a teammate hauled to the hospital in what appeared to be critical condition, I don't think I'd have much interest in continuing to play for the time being. And, if I was the opposing player who had just, perhaps, permanently crippled another player, I think my mind would be on more serious things, plus I'd be reluctant to take a chance on destroying another players life in the same game. But then, I'm a sentimental old fool.
So, I really want to commend the Detroit Red Wings and the Nashville Predators. Hockey can be an ugly sport. It's kind of like wrestling on ice, except the blood is real. It's nice to know that to some athletes there are some things more important than the game.
I did read that Jirl Fischer had been diagnosed with heart abnormalities back in 2002. He had said at the time that his heart is just a little thicker than most. But, the guy keeps playing. Seems the same might be said about his head as well.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Aisle Be Seeing You
I've spent some quality time hanging around the grocery store recently. I had no devious motives. I just wanted check out something a friend of mine mentioned to me. He asked if I had ever noticed shoppers, especially women, who grab a cart when they enter the store and hang on for dear life. "The cart becomes an extension of themselves," he said. "Wherever they go, the cart goes...even into tiny little corners."
He's right. What I have observed is that it's typically the women I get behind out in traffic. I affectionately call them "blue-haired brake riders." These little ladies, unlike the younger women, really dress up to shop for groceries. That, I like. All it takes is to get behind one 250-pound beauty dressed in spandex, and wearing curlers in her hair, to appreciate a lady who dresses nicely to go shopping.
But, I have gotten way off-topic. These little ladies cling to their grocery carts like barnacles to the bottom of a boat. I think one reason is that they have their purses in their carts, and nothing is going to pry them away. Actually, these women can maneuver their carts into tiny little corners where not even the best truck drivers would think a cart could go. Of course, if they have to knock a few bottles of salad dressing or a box or two of Pop Tarts off the shelves, they're willing to make that sacrifice.
Something else I noticed while hanging around one of the local groceries is that they now have these huge carts for kids. In the old days, you just squeezed junior into that top part. No matter how large my legs were, I mean his legs are, they're going to fit through those tiny openings, even if mom has to butter his legs to make it work. It hurts...I would imagine. Now, they have carts shaped like race cars, and just about as large as a race car. I saw a mother plowing through the aisles the other day. She must have had three or four kids crammed in this huge race car cart. And she was pushing it through the store like she was in contention for the Nextel Cup. I had to dive under a display stand to keep from being run over.
While we're discussing grocery carts, could someone explain to me why I always get one with a wheel that maneuvers as if it had a small child stuck under it? My carts never work right. Usually the cart squeaks, and wobbles, and veers to one side or the other. I know all the carts can't be that bad, but I always choose the worst cart in the store. I know it's not truly a reflection on me, but I always feel as if the other shoppers are looking down their noses at me because of my cart.
My friend, and come to think of it, I don't know why he hangs around grocery stores so much, also asked me if I noticed the way many shoppers get so impatient when forced to wait for another shopper blocking the aisle. I get the feeling he holds such impatient shoppers in derision. I was too ashamed to admit that I'm one of those impatient types. I can't, for the life of me, understand why some shoppers think they can park their cart in the middle of an aisle and then spend twenty minutes wandering the store. At least pull off to one side.
Of course, if you're shopping in Food Lion it doesn't matter. They're going to have the aisles blocked with stockers anyway. I think they strategically plan to put their stockers in the aisles during the busiest shopping times. I've always said Food Lion's motto should be, "You swore you'd never come back, but look at you. Here you are." I'm trying to trim that down. It's good, but a tad too wordy.
Anyway, I'm blocking the aisle right now. I decided to subtly station myself in an area where I could check out the shoppers. I don't think many noticed me sitting here typing on my laptop. The only problem is that now I can't get my legs out of those tiny openings in the dad-blasted cart. Could someone get me a stick of butter?
He's right. What I have observed is that it's typically the women I get behind out in traffic. I affectionately call them "blue-haired brake riders." These little ladies, unlike the younger women, really dress up to shop for groceries. That, I like. All it takes is to get behind one 250-pound beauty dressed in spandex, and wearing curlers in her hair, to appreciate a lady who dresses nicely to go shopping.
But, I have gotten way off-topic. These little ladies cling to their grocery carts like barnacles to the bottom of a boat. I think one reason is that they have their purses in their carts, and nothing is going to pry them away. Actually, these women can maneuver their carts into tiny little corners where not even the best truck drivers would think a cart could go. Of course, if they have to knock a few bottles of salad dressing or a box or two of Pop Tarts off the shelves, they're willing to make that sacrifice.
Something else I noticed while hanging around one of the local groceries is that they now have these huge carts for kids. In the old days, you just squeezed junior into that top part. No matter how large my legs were, I mean his legs are, they're going to fit through those tiny openings, even if mom has to butter his legs to make it work. It hurts...I would imagine. Now, they have carts shaped like race cars, and just about as large as a race car. I saw a mother plowing through the aisles the other day. She must have had three or four kids crammed in this huge race car cart. And she was pushing it through the store like she was in contention for the Nextel Cup. I had to dive under a display stand to keep from being run over.
While we're discussing grocery carts, could someone explain to me why I always get one with a wheel that maneuvers as if it had a small child stuck under it? My carts never work right. Usually the cart squeaks, and wobbles, and veers to one side or the other. I know all the carts can't be that bad, but I always choose the worst cart in the store. I know it's not truly a reflection on me, but I always feel as if the other shoppers are looking down their noses at me because of my cart.
My friend, and come to think of it, I don't know why he hangs around grocery stores so much, also asked me if I noticed the way many shoppers get so impatient when forced to wait for another shopper blocking the aisle. I get the feeling he holds such impatient shoppers in derision. I was too ashamed to admit that I'm one of those impatient types. I can't, for the life of me, understand why some shoppers think they can park their cart in the middle of an aisle and then spend twenty minutes wandering the store. At least pull off to one side.
Of course, if you're shopping in Food Lion it doesn't matter. They're going to have the aisles blocked with stockers anyway. I think they strategically plan to put their stockers in the aisles during the busiest shopping times. I've always said Food Lion's motto should be, "You swore you'd never come back, but look at you. Here you are." I'm trying to trim that down. It's good, but a tad too wordy.
Anyway, I'm blocking the aisle right now. I decided to subtly station myself in an area where I could check out the shoppers. I don't think many noticed me sitting here typing on my laptop. The only problem is that now I can't get my legs out of those tiny openings in the dad-blasted cart. Could someone get me a stick of butter?
Friday, November 18, 2005
If You Can't Say Something Bad About Someone...
Some people! I just don't understand the mentality of those who cherish and embrace the negative. I guess it's because I'm such a positive, glass-half-full sort of guy. I've always lived by the credo that if you can't say something nice about someone, say something bad, but try to get a laugh out of it.
But, on many occasions, you can find good things to say about a number of folks. I don't want to sound like Polyanna here, but most people whom I interview for our magazines, are down-right interesting, decent human beings. They may have a skeleton or two in their closets, but that's not what I'm looking for.
Now, you may be wondering, at this point, why I'm rambling on in such a manner. Okay, you forced it out of me. I'll tell you. Twice in recent weeks, after we'd done a story on an individual, we've received phone calls from others questioning us as to why we'd said such nice things about someone. Huh?
I could understand it if I had said something negative. But, how can you get upset when someone's stellar characteristics are discussed? I guess there are those who are so petty, so retributive (I think that's a word. If not, it should be), that it just galls them to hear good things about people they despise.
Come to think of it, on both occasions, the nay-sayers were friends of the ex-spouses of the individuals about whom we'd written. They say hell hath no fury blah blah blah. Must be some truth to that. (and yes, in both cases the ex-spouses were of the female variety)
I'm sure that in virtually all messy divorces there is enough fault to be able to apply some to both parties. Although, I do believe that in many, many such divorces, one of the mates is a lot more at fault than the other. I also believe that it's usually the guiltiest mate who is the angriest. Next time one of their close friends calls to complain because we said something nice about their friend's ex, I'll pretend to be interested in righting (and writing) my wrong.
I'll arrange to do an interview with the ex-mate. Let her (or, him) tell me their side. I'll act like I really believe them, then I'll write this great article really ripping them up one side and down the other.
Not only will it be fun, but I believe it's the least I can do to demonstrate how much I hate negativity. I don't know if they give any humanitarian awards out to people like me, but unless you're a close friend of an ex-spouse, maybe you can recommend me to be thusly honored. Thanks.
But, on many occasions, you can find good things to say about a number of folks. I don't want to sound like Polyanna here, but most people whom I interview for our magazines, are down-right interesting, decent human beings. They may have a skeleton or two in their closets, but that's not what I'm looking for.
Now, you may be wondering, at this point, why I'm rambling on in such a manner. Okay, you forced it out of me. I'll tell you. Twice in recent weeks, after we'd done a story on an individual, we've received phone calls from others questioning us as to why we'd said such nice things about someone. Huh?
I could understand it if I had said something negative. But, how can you get upset when someone's stellar characteristics are discussed? I guess there are those who are so petty, so retributive (I think that's a word. If not, it should be), that it just galls them to hear good things about people they despise.
Come to think of it, on both occasions, the nay-sayers were friends of the ex-spouses of the individuals about whom we'd written. They say hell hath no fury blah blah blah. Must be some truth to that. (and yes, in both cases the ex-spouses were of the female variety)
I'm sure that in virtually all messy divorces there is enough fault to be able to apply some to both parties. Although, I do believe that in many, many such divorces, one of the mates is a lot more at fault than the other. I also believe that it's usually the guiltiest mate who is the angriest. Next time one of their close friends calls to complain because we said something nice about their friend's ex, I'll pretend to be interested in righting (and writing) my wrong.
I'll arrange to do an interview with the ex-mate. Let her (or, him) tell me their side. I'll act like I really believe them, then I'll write this great article really ripping them up one side and down the other.
Not only will it be fun, but I believe it's the least I can do to demonstrate how much I hate negativity. I don't know if they give any humanitarian awards out to people like me, but unless you're a close friend of an ex-spouse, maybe you can recommend me to be thusly honored. Thanks.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Moron Tax
It’s been called addictive. I say, “it’s been called,” because I’m not sure just what I believe about addictions. Sometimes I think it’s a nice term we use to excuse inexcusable behavior. But, there are many mental health professionals, who are much more educated than I, who believe in addictions. In fact, the American Psychiatric Association has termed this particular activity as resulting in a “disorder of impulse control” for about 3 to 4% of those who engage in it.
That would mean this addiction affects over three million Americans, with many millions more having a serious problem with it. These Americans are much more likely to also have problems with drinking, drugs, and depression. And, a higher incidence of suicide has been noted among those suffering with this addiction.
There are many stories of devastating financial, emotional, and mental effects - not only upon the one addicted, but also on his or her loved ones. And yet, many responsible TV and radio news programs promote it. Newscasters and other broadcast personalities present it as fun, exciting, something to be enjoyed.
There are billboards on the highways encouraging the activity. They even play cute little jingles on the radio to get you excited about participating.
One comedian called it a special tax for morons. Perhaps, you’ve figured out what I’m rambling about. Gambling.
Time was when gambling was considered a vice. I remember, years ago, when prominent Richmonders were arrested for participating in what was then called “numbers games.”
That was before the state decided to take advantage of those who have a problem with out-of-control gambling. And, let’s face it, it’s not the casual, occasional one-dollar lottery player who is making it possible to give away over three hundred million dollars. I don’t know the statistics, but if the giveaway is three hundred million, what are the participating states making on this?
Do state legislators not realize that many adults are taking food out of their children’s mouths in order to play the lottery? Of course they recognize that fact. In fact, they’re counting on you gambling addicts. Without you, they wouldn’t be able to fill the school coffers with millions of dollars annually.
But listen to Bill Bevins and Jimmy Barrett and others hype it. Would they hype the best liquor prices in town to encourage drunks to go out and give in to their addiction? Or would they tell you where to find the prettiest prostitutes? Because, they say sex can be addictive too.
Of course, alcohol can have a healthy effect, when done in moderation, or so I’ve been told. And sex, well it certainly has its place. But gambling is always unhealthy. Why? Well, think about it. When you gamble, you are trying to get rich at the expense of others. It’s not like playing the stock market, where your money is actually used to allow businesses to create jobs, produce goods, etc. Those folks who won three hundred million are going to be enjoying money that many, many idiots have squandered. There are babies who won’t get their clean diaper or their needed bottle of milk because their mommas felt lucky. I’m not making this up. Okay, maybe I am. I’m not an authority. But, let’s say there are a million Virginians who spend a dollar a week on a lottery ticket. That wouldn’t be too devastating to anyone. But, with that level of spending, there’s no way the Virginia lottery could exist. The amount spent has to be phenomenal.
I could go on, and I haven’t even touched on the main reason I’m against gambling. It’s because when I go into 7-11 to buy a cup of coffee, I’m forced to wait in the addicts line for fifteen minutes for these morons to buy their tickets. And, that my friends, is totally inexcusable.
That would mean this addiction affects over three million Americans, with many millions more having a serious problem with it. These Americans are much more likely to also have problems with drinking, drugs, and depression. And, a higher incidence of suicide has been noted among those suffering with this addiction.
There are many stories of devastating financial, emotional, and mental effects - not only upon the one addicted, but also on his or her loved ones. And yet, many responsible TV and radio news programs promote it. Newscasters and other broadcast personalities present it as fun, exciting, something to be enjoyed.
There are billboards on the highways encouraging the activity. They even play cute little jingles on the radio to get you excited about participating.
One comedian called it a special tax for morons. Perhaps, you’ve figured out what I’m rambling about. Gambling.
Time was when gambling was considered a vice. I remember, years ago, when prominent Richmonders were arrested for participating in what was then called “numbers games.”
That was before the state decided to take advantage of those who have a problem with out-of-control gambling. And, let’s face it, it’s not the casual, occasional one-dollar lottery player who is making it possible to give away over three hundred million dollars. I don’t know the statistics, but if the giveaway is three hundred million, what are the participating states making on this?
Do state legislators not realize that many adults are taking food out of their children’s mouths in order to play the lottery? Of course they recognize that fact. In fact, they’re counting on you gambling addicts. Without you, they wouldn’t be able to fill the school coffers with millions of dollars annually.
But listen to Bill Bevins and Jimmy Barrett and others hype it. Would they hype the best liquor prices in town to encourage drunks to go out and give in to their addiction? Or would they tell you where to find the prettiest prostitutes? Because, they say sex can be addictive too.
Of course, alcohol can have a healthy effect, when done in moderation, or so I’ve been told. And sex, well it certainly has its place. But gambling is always unhealthy. Why? Well, think about it. When you gamble, you are trying to get rich at the expense of others. It’s not like playing the stock market, where your money is actually used to allow businesses to create jobs, produce goods, etc. Those folks who won three hundred million are going to be enjoying money that many, many idiots have squandered. There are babies who won’t get their clean diaper or their needed bottle of milk because their mommas felt lucky. I’m not making this up. Okay, maybe I am. I’m not an authority. But, let’s say there are a million Virginians who spend a dollar a week on a lottery ticket. That wouldn’t be too devastating to anyone. But, with that level of spending, there’s no way the Virginia lottery could exist. The amount spent has to be phenomenal.
I could go on, and I haven’t even touched on the main reason I’m against gambling. It’s because when I go into 7-11 to buy a cup of coffee, I’m forced to wait in the addicts line for fifteen minutes for these morons to buy their tickets. And, that my friends, is totally inexcusable.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Random Thoughts
Someone asked my wife the other day what my column was all about. She replied that it was about nothing. Well, even if that is true, perhaps she doesn't remember a modest little TV show called Seinfeld. But, as you know, if you read this regularly, I do not write about nothing. I write very deep, serious stuff, about, well, you know, about deep serious stuff. Take today for instance.
I may appear to be rambling, but a lot of deep stuff has gone through my head over the past 24 hours. It is somewhat random, but that doesn't detract from its depth. So, here, in no particular order, are the things that I've been reflecting on.
First, from the With Friends Like This....Department, I want to "thank" a so-called friend. I'll call her Jennifer. The other day I politely requested in a column that if you see my wife, don't mention that particular column to her. I didn't say anything especially offensive about my wife. It's just that she doesn't like to be quoted.
Well, what does "Jennifer" do when she sees my wife last night. Yep. She immediately tells her that I didn't want her (my wife, that is) to see that column.
So, now this morning, I get this email from my wife. Responding to a statement that I had made that she seldom reads anything I write, my wife has this to say,"I may not read them every day, but when I get a moment,I do read them. I can't help it if when I'm at work I actually work."
Ouch. I admit she works harder than I do. But thinking is work too, isn't it?
Anyway, on to deeper things. Have you heard about another local PTA president (or vice-president, or whatever) who has been caught embezzling PTA funds. Stop the insanity. I really do believe that some thieves are deliberately having children so they can join the PTAs when the kids get school age and then start embezzling money. Otherwise, how do you account for the rash of PTA crimes? I mean are these PTAs such a hotbed of illicit activties that good, honest parents are corrupted just by association? Something to think about, I guess.
This is a new thought that just ran through my head, but did you notice what a fun word "embezzling" is. Say it out loud a few times. It feels really good in your mouth.
But, back to the deep stuff. I heard a news report about a state-wide election that may result in a recount. The news guy (and you know how much I love news guys) said, "Only the apparent loser in the election is allowed to request a recount." Wow, that's a shocker. I wonder how many winners request a recount. I'd think the number would be somewhat small, but, based on some of the ignorant things public officials do, it may be a larger number than I'd expect.
I could write about more stuff today, but, when I'm at work, I actually have work to do myself. Of course, first, I must neutralize my mental palette...you know clear away the old thoughts so I can turn my attention to the work at hand. I find that about an hour of playing Tetris on my cell phone helps me to do that. I am not addicted to Tetris, mind you. But, in an effort to always be a better man, I'm intent on beating my high score of 102673. Pretty good, huh? And my wife says I write about nothing.
I may appear to be rambling, but a lot of deep stuff has gone through my head over the past 24 hours. It is somewhat random, but that doesn't detract from its depth. So, here, in no particular order, are the things that I've been reflecting on.
First, from the With Friends Like This....Department, I want to "thank" a so-called friend. I'll call her Jennifer. The other day I politely requested in a column that if you see my wife, don't mention that particular column to her. I didn't say anything especially offensive about my wife. It's just that she doesn't like to be quoted.
Well, what does "Jennifer" do when she sees my wife last night. Yep. She immediately tells her that I didn't want her (my wife, that is) to see that column.
So, now this morning, I get this email from my wife. Responding to a statement that I had made that she seldom reads anything I write, my wife has this to say,"I may not read them every day, but when I get a moment,I do read them. I can't help it if when I'm at work I actually work."
Ouch. I admit she works harder than I do. But thinking is work too, isn't it?
Anyway, on to deeper things. Have you heard about another local PTA president (or vice-president, or whatever) who has been caught embezzling PTA funds. Stop the insanity. I really do believe that some thieves are deliberately having children so they can join the PTAs when the kids get school age and then start embezzling money. Otherwise, how do you account for the rash of PTA crimes? I mean are these PTAs such a hotbed of illicit activties that good, honest parents are corrupted just by association? Something to think about, I guess.
This is a new thought that just ran through my head, but did you notice what a fun word "embezzling" is. Say it out loud a few times. It feels really good in your mouth.
But, back to the deep stuff. I heard a news report about a state-wide election that may result in a recount. The news guy (and you know how much I love news guys) said, "Only the apparent loser in the election is allowed to request a recount." Wow, that's a shocker. I wonder how many winners request a recount. I'd think the number would be somewhat small, but, based on some of the ignorant things public officials do, it may be a larger number than I'd expect.
I could write about more stuff today, but, when I'm at work, I actually have work to do myself. Of course, first, I must neutralize my mental palette...you know clear away the old thoughts so I can turn my attention to the work at hand. I find that about an hour of playing Tetris on my cell phone helps me to do that. I am not addicted to Tetris, mind you. But, in an effort to always be a better man, I'm intent on beating my high score of 102673. Pretty good, huh? And my wife says I write about nothing.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
THE STEVE COOK MORNING NEWSCAST
STEVE:
It's an exciting day here at ACI. This is my first blog morning news cast. I'm Steve Cook, and joining me is our "news gal" Alycia Sanchez, our weather guru, Guy Beazley, and with the sports, Mac MacMacson. Alycia, since we announced we'd be doing a blog newscast, we've been deluged with positive letters and calls.
ALYCIA:
Right Steve, and speaking of deluges, I think Guy Beazley is calling for a deluge today. Right Guy?
GUY:
Well, not exactly a deluge, but we'll have some rain. That's for sure. You'll never guess how much.
STEVE:
Why don't you just tell us Guy?
GUY:
All in good time. Steve. All in good time.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of good times, one of the two teams playing Monday night football had a good time last night. Right Mac?
MAC:
Right you are Alycia. You'll never guess who won last night's game, and how much they won by, and why Philadephia fans are so upset this morning. Oops. I slipped and revealed the loser.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of slipping, there was a tragic accident last night. Right Steve?
STEVE:
Yes, Alycia. On a more serious note, there was an...
ALYCIA:
Speaking of serious notes, I'm noting that the weather is going to be wet today. Right Guy?
GUY:
You won't believe what it's going to be doing on your ride home this afternoon. I'll have the details later in our news.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of details, Steve has all the details on a fire in the West End last night. Right Steve?
STEVE
Yes, Alycia...
MAC
Did someone say fire. Philadelphia fans may be regretting the firing of Terrell Owens, this morning.
GUY:
Fires are hot, folks, and that's what we're going to be seeing around here today...unseasonably warm temperatures.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of seasons, the college football season is down to a few weeks left, and there are some big games coming up this weekend. Right Mac?
MAC
Alycia, you couldn't be righter. You'll never guess who UVA will be playing this weekend.
STEVE:
I don't think we need to guess Mac. Everyone is talking about the big annual rivalry between UVA and Virginia Tech. We all know about that. What kind of idiot are you Mac?
GUY:
Speaking of idiots, you'd be an idiot to go out without an umbrella today, folks. You won't believe what will be falling from the sky this afternoon.
STEVE
Guy, are you a moron? If you tell us to take an umbrella, it's pretty obvious what's going to be falling from the sky.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of obvious, it's pretty obvious that someone, namely Steve, got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
MAC:
Speaking about getting up, if you went to bed thinking Philadelphia beat Dallas in last night's gridiron action, you'd not only be wrong, but you'll never guess who came from behind in the final minutes of the game and beat Philadelphia.
STEVE:
Mac, it was Dallas playing Philadephia, right?
MAC:
Right you are Steve, and you'll never guess...
STEVE:
Hold it. So, if someone beat Philadelphia, it would have to be Dallas, right?
MAC:
Well, you don't have to get so testy. Now you've given the whole thing away. Hey, I bet they won't guess what the final score is. I'll give you five guesses...no make that ten.
STEVE:
Make that none Mac. You'll never guess who I'm firing. It's Mac...
GUY:
Hey, you didn't give me time to guess. I was going to say Alycia.
STEVE:
And, you'd have been right Guy. In fact, if you'd guessed yourself, you'd be right as well. This is ridiculous.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of ridiculous, there was another senseless murder last night.
GUY:
Hold on. Can I take a guess at who was murdered.
It's an exciting day here at ACI. This is my first blog morning news cast. I'm Steve Cook, and joining me is our "news gal" Alycia Sanchez, our weather guru, Guy Beazley, and with the sports, Mac MacMacson. Alycia, since we announced we'd be doing a blog newscast, we've been deluged with positive letters and calls.
ALYCIA:
Right Steve, and speaking of deluges, I think Guy Beazley is calling for a deluge today. Right Guy?
GUY:
Well, not exactly a deluge, but we'll have some rain. That's for sure. You'll never guess how much.
STEVE:
Why don't you just tell us Guy?
GUY:
All in good time. Steve. All in good time.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of good times, one of the two teams playing Monday night football had a good time last night. Right Mac?
MAC:
Right you are Alycia. You'll never guess who won last night's game, and how much they won by, and why Philadephia fans are so upset this morning. Oops. I slipped and revealed the loser.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of slipping, there was a tragic accident last night. Right Steve?
STEVE:
Yes, Alycia. On a more serious note, there was an...
ALYCIA:
Speaking of serious notes, I'm noting that the weather is going to be wet today. Right Guy?
GUY:
You won't believe what it's going to be doing on your ride home this afternoon. I'll have the details later in our news.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of details, Steve has all the details on a fire in the West End last night. Right Steve?
STEVE
Yes, Alycia...
MAC
Did someone say fire. Philadelphia fans may be regretting the firing of Terrell Owens, this morning.
GUY:
Fires are hot, folks, and that's what we're going to be seeing around here today...unseasonably warm temperatures.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of seasons, the college football season is down to a few weeks left, and there are some big games coming up this weekend. Right Mac?
MAC
Alycia, you couldn't be righter. You'll never guess who UVA will be playing this weekend.
STEVE:
I don't think we need to guess Mac. Everyone is talking about the big annual rivalry between UVA and Virginia Tech. We all know about that. What kind of idiot are you Mac?
GUY:
Speaking of idiots, you'd be an idiot to go out without an umbrella today, folks. You won't believe what will be falling from the sky this afternoon.
STEVE
Guy, are you a moron? If you tell us to take an umbrella, it's pretty obvious what's going to be falling from the sky.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of obvious, it's pretty obvious that someone, namely Steve, got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
MAC:
Speaking about getting up, if you went to bed thinking Philadelphia beat Dallas in last night's gridiron action, you'd not only be wrong, but you'll never guess who came from behind in the final minutes of the game and beat Philadelphia.
STEVE:
Mac, it was Dallas playing Philadephia, right?
MAC:
Right you are Steve, and you'll never guess...
STEVE:
Hold it. So, if someone beat Philadelphia, it would have to be Dallas, right?
MAC:
Well, you don't have to get so testy. Now you've given the whole thing away. Hey, I bet they won't guess what the final score is. I'll give you five guesses...no make that ten.
STEVE:
Make that none Mac. You'll never guess who I'm firing. It's Mac...
GUY:
Hey, you didn't give me time to guess. I was going to say Alycia.
STEVE:
And, you'd have been right Guy. In fact, if you'd guessed yourself, you'd be right as well. This is ridiculous.
ALYCIA:
Speaking of ridiculous, there was another senseless murder last night.
GUY:
Hold on. Can I take a guess at who was murdered.
Monday, November 14, 2005
I'm Taking a Risk Just Writing This
The Center for Disease Control recently issued a list of high-risk activities. The only problem with their list is that it's too obvious. Most of us don't need to be told that playing with guns is high risk. It's like when your mother tells you not to run with scissors in your hand, particularly if you're holding the scissors just an inch from your eyeball while you're running. That's an obvious high-risk.
As a public service, I've compiled my own list of high-risk activities, but these are, perhaps, not so obvious. Nonetheless, if you commit them to memory and strive to avoid these activities, I think you'll have a better life. I'm listing these in no particular order. I say this in case you're thinking this is like one of David Letterman's top ten lists, which gets funnier as it's counted down. I don't do count-downs, and I definitely don't get funnier as I continue. If you're not laughing uproariously by this point, you've probably missed your opportunity. Anyway, with that said, here's my list of high-risk activities:
10 - (okay, I will count down) Supporting any project that could make downtown Richmond a more vibrant, exciting city. Heaven help you if you're in favor of a ball park in Shockoe Bottom. In fact, it would appear from recent comments by certain groups, that supporting a ball park in the bottom is tantamount to supporting the Ku Klux Klan. If you, in your heart, believe a baseball stadium would help downtown Richmond, whatever you do, don't let anyone know how you feel.
9 - On a somewhat related note, being in favor of anything that Mayor Governor Wilder is against is high risk. That goes for ball parks, performing arts centers, and virtually anything else. If you're involved in local politics, you really should consult with the Mayor before formulating any opinions.
8 - Eating at any of Shoney's weekly "Salute to Grease" Buffets. I, for one, have been tempted by that food-like appearance of the buffet on more than one occasion, and virtually every time, I've paid dearly. While just gouging at a Shoney's buffet is high risk, there's an even more daring, risky endeavor. Which leads me to...
7 - Eating at any of Shoney's weekly "Salute to Grease" Buffets, and then getting in the car and heading into an I-64 traffic jam. Regardless of my wife's contention that Depends are the solution to life's problems, this is not a risk I am willing to take.
6 - Which reminds me, another risky endeavor is mentioning my wife in my columns. Fortunately, she seldom reads them. And, if you even half-way want to see me alive again, please don't mention this one to her.
5 - Be careful about storing the toothpaste and the Preparation H in the same drawer. Not only does Preparation H not have that minty-fresh taste I so enjoy, but I think my gums are shrinking.
4 - This is high-risk in our office. Maybe you have had the same experience. Don't get too comfortable in the "washroom" until you make sure that some thoughtless co-worker has not left the room paperless. If it wasn't for the fact that we keep a copy of the latest Chesterfield Living Magazine in there, I'd have really been up the creek without a paddle (so to speak).
3 - Think twice before accepting an invitation from a friend you haven't seen since high school, who corners you and insists you join him for a casual meeting at a local hotel to learn about a great marketing opportunity. (Can you spell/smell pyramid?)
2 - You also may find it wise not to accept an invitation from the 300-pound moron who works in the office, when he asks you to don one of those inflated sumo-wrestler suits andjoin him in a pseudo wrestling match at the company picnic. There's nothing pseudo about being body-slammed on the parking lot.
1- Drinking any milk with lumps in it. Don't reason that it's probably as safe for you as is cottage cheese. It isn't.
As a public service, I've compiled my own list of high-risk activities, but these are, perhaps, not so obvious. Nonetheless, if you commit them to memory and strive to avoid these activities, I think you'll have a better life. I'm listing these in no particular order. I say this in case you're thinking this is like one of David Letterman's top ten lists, which gets funnier as it's counted down. I don't do count-downs, and I definitely don't get funnier as I continue. If you're not laughing uproariously by this point, you've probably missed your opportunity. Anyway, with that said, here's my list of high-risk activities:
10 - (okay, I will count down) Supporting any project that could make downtown Richmond a more vibrant, exciting city. Heaven help you if you're in favor of a ball park in Shockoe Bottom. In fact, it would appear from recent comments by certain groups, that supporting a ball park in the bottom is tantamount to supporting the Ku Klux Klan. If you, in your heart, believe a baseball stadium would help downtown Richmond, whatever you do, don't let anyone know how you feel.
9 - On a somewhat related note, being in favor of anything that Mayor Governor Wilder is against is high risk. That goes for ball parks, performing arts centers, and virtually anything else. If you're involved in local politics, you really should consult with the Mayor before formulating any opinions.
8 - Eating at any of Shoney's weekly "Salute to Grease" Buffets. I, for one, have been tempted by that food-like appearance of the buffet on more than one occasion, and virtually every time, I've paid dearly. While just gouging at a Shoney's buffet is high risk, there's an even more daring, risky endeavor. Which leads me to...
7 - Eating at any of Shoney's weekly "Salute to Grease" Buffets, and then getting in the car and heading into an I-64 traffic jam. Regardless of my wife's contention that Depends are the solution to life's problems, this is not a risk I am willing to take.
6 - Which reminds me, another risky endeavor is mentioning my wife in my columns. Fortunately, she seldom reads them. And, if you even half-way want to see me alive again, please don't mention this one to her.
5 - Be careful about storing the toothpaste and the Preparation H in the same drawer. Not only does Preparation H not have that minty-fresh taste I so enjoy, but I think my gums are shrinking.
4 - This is high-risk in our office. Maybe you have had the same experience. Don't get too comfortable in the "washroom" until you make sure that some thoughtless co-worker has not left the room paperless. If it wasn't for the fact that we keep a copy of the latest Chesterfield Living Magazine in there, I'd have really been up the creek without a paddle (so to speak).
3 - Think twice before accepting an invitation from a friend you haven't seen since high school, who corners you and insists you join him for a casual meeting at a local hotel to learn about a great marketing opportunity. (Can you spell/smell pyramid?)
2 - You also may find it wise not to accept an invitation from the 300-pound moron who works in the office, when he asks you to don one of those inflated sumo-wrestler suits andjoin him in a pseudo wrestling match at the company picnic. There's nothing pseudo about being body-slammed on the parking lot.
1- Drinking any milk with lumps in it. Don't reason that it's probably as safe for you as is cottage cheese. It isn't.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Mall-Mauled
DISCLAIMER: Before I even begin this morning, I just want to say that I hate it when certain individuals, who have recently returned from a fabulous trip overseas, start every conversation by mentioning their trip. I truly find such persons very boring.
Now that that's out of the way, let me say that I just returned from a fabulous trip to China. Remind me and I'll tell you all about it some day. While I enjoyed China, one thing that quickly got very tiresome was the way many of the merchants would come out into the street and virtually drag you back into their store.
While I don't appreciate that tactic, evidently it's paying off...so much so that many of these merchants have pulled up stakes and moved to America, where they immediately proceed to rent kiosks in the local malls.
I noticed the trend several months ago. It wasn't until I spent time in China (on my fabulous trip) that I realized where this practice comes from. Have you noticed that you can't walk through the mall these days without being accosted by those kiosk people. It happened to me just recently. I was walking through one of the local indoor malls, minding my own business. As I made my way through the kiosk maze, this little guy comes up to me and asks me to come look at some sort of toy.
I couldn't figure out what I'd done to make him think I had even the slightest bit of interest in looking at his toy. I was alone, no kids, and, as you may be surprised to learn, I'm well past 17. Why would I be interested in some stupid toy?
It was kind of neat actually. It was a truck that would do flips and keep on rolling. But, the point is, I hadn't encouraged him to approach me.
A friend of mine was in another mall in the Newport News area the other day, when a kiosk person drug her in to have her fingernails buffed. Apparently she stood there and let the woman buff her. It's a good thing the kiosk wasn't offering tattoos.
Now, I don't mind an aggressive sales clerk approaching me if I stop to look at his or her wares. If I go into Saphora, for example, I am not offended by one of their mimes approaching me and spraying stuff on me. I entered the store. Let the buyer (me, in this case) beware.
But those darned kiosks are everywhere. You can't get from point A to point B without passing them. In China (where I went two weeks on a fabulous trip), they'd tug on your arm and say, "Watchee, watchee." I stopped to watch, at first, not realizing they were trying to sell me one (a watch, that is). In the local malls, they tug on my sleeve wanting me to buy a Virginia ham, or a scarf that somehow can be folded to become about twenty five different articles of clothing, or a magic pen that writes in about 250 colors.
I don't want that stuff. I didn't even allow my peripheral vision to look at their merchandise. I don't like being manhandled in the mall.
Something else that I don't like in the shopping centers are the bell-ringers that are beginning to migrate into the area this time of year. Now, I admit, I enjoy Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol up to the point where Ebenezer Scrooge allows those appartitions to corrupt his way of thinking. And speaking of Christmas, how early in the year do those bell-ringers get started these days? Soon, there'll be Santa Clauses in swim suits for the malls big Fourth of July/Christmas sale.
I'm not against charities seeking donations. I'm a normal human. Cut me. I bleed. Well, don't literally cut me. But, I hate having a big bell rung in my face. The thing that really gets me is that if you even glance at these guys for an instant, they are able to give you this really sad, please-help-me expression. I almost feel guilty for passing them by.
And that incessant clanging. You can hear it in every store. I know that if I worked in the mall I'd go stark-raving mad within about two hours. Even now after I leave a shopping center where bell-ringers are at every entrance, my head is throbbing, my ears are tingling, and I'm unable to get that ding-dong sound out of my brain. As I left a shopping center the other day, I thought I recognized one of those bell-toting Santas. I thought to myself, "I can't think of his name, but his bell sure wrings my face."
Now that that's out of the way, let me say that I just returned from a fabulous trip to China. Remind me and I'll tell you all about it some day. While I enjoyed China, one thing that quickly got very tiresome was the way many of the merchants would come out into the street and virtually drag you back into their store.
While I don't appreciate that tactic, evidently it's paying off...so much so that many of these merchants have pulled up stakes and moved to America, where they immediately proceed to rent kiosks in the local malls.
I noticed the trend several months ago. It wasn't until I spent time in China (on my fabulous trip) that I realized where this practice comes from. Have you noticed that you can't walk through the mall these days without being accosted by those kiosk people. It happened to me just recently. I was walking through one of the local indoor malls, minding my own business. As I made my way through the kiosk maze, this little guy comes up to me and asks me to come look at some sort of toy.
I couldn't figure out what I'd done to make him think I had even the slightest bit of interest in looking at his toy. I was alone, no kids, and, as you may be surprised to learn, I'm well past 17. Why would I be interested in some stupid toy?
It was kind of neat actually. It was a truck that would do flips and keep on rolling. But, the point is, I hadn't encouraged him to approach me.
A friend of mine was in another mall in the Newport News area the other day, when a kiosk person drug her in to have her fingernails buffed. Apparently she stood there and let the woman buff her. It's a good thing the kiosk wasn't offering tattoos.
Now, I don't mind an aggressive sales clerk approaching me if I stop to look at his or her wares. If I go into Saphora, for example, I am not offended by one of their mimes approaching me and spraying stuff on me. I entered the store. Let the buyer (me, in this case) beware.
But those darned kiosks are everywhere. You can't get from point A to point B without passing them. In China (where I went two weeks on a fabulous trip), they'd tug on your arm and say, "Watchee, watchee." I stopped to watch, at first, not realizing they were trying to sell me one (a watch, that is). In the local malls, they tug on my sleeve wanting me to buy a Virginia ham, or a scarf that somehow can be folded to become about twenty five different articles of clothing, or a magic pen that writes in about 250 colors.
I don't want that stuff. I didn't even allow my peripheral vision to look at their merchandise. I don't like being manhandled in the mall.
Something else that I don't like in the shopping centers are the bell-ringers that are beginning to migrate into the area this time of year. Now, I admit, I enjoy Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol up to the point where Ebenezer Scrooge allows those appartitions to corrupt his way of thinking. And speaking of Christmas, how early in the year do those bell-ringers get started these days? Soon, there'll be Santa Clauses in swim suits for the malls big Fourth of July/Christmas sale.
I'm not against charities seeking donations. I'm a normal human. Cut me. I bleed. Well, don't literally cut me. But, I hate having a big bell rung in my face. The thing that really gets me is that if you even glance at these guys for an instant, they are able to give you this really sad, please-help-me expression. I almost feel guilty for passing them by.
And that incessant clanging. You can hear it in every store. I know that if I worked in the mall I'd go stark-raving mad within about two hours. Even now after I leave a shopping center where bell-ringers are at every entrance, my head is throbbing, my ears are tingling, and I'm unable to get that ding-dong sound out of my brain. As I left a shopping center the other day, I thought I recognized one of those bell-toting Santas. I thought to myself, "I can't think of his name, but his bell sure wrings my face."
Monday, November 07, 2005
HAPPY HAND GESTURE DAY
I think I have an idea for a new "National Day"...you know like Secretary's Day, or Bosses Day, or whatever. It's National Hand Gesture Day. It would be a day to both honor and emulate those who make ridiculous use of hand gestures in their conversations.
I'm not talking the obscene type. I mean the legitimate hand gestures. For instance, there's the adorable Quotation Mark sort of person. There are those who think it's important to make those two-fingered quotation mark symbols when they speak. Personally, I can't figure out what they mean by doing it. Sometimes they'll make the quotation mark sign when they are using a word that means the opposite of what they should be using. Do quotation marks mean "I'm lying"? Like, when someone says, "Gee, Sheila really looks 'PRETTY' today." Don't they really mean Sheila looks ugly? So when they do the hand gesture when they get to the word "pretty" they're really saying the quotation mark is where i become sarcastic.
Others use quotation marks to mean a double entendre. For instance, "Sheila is a 'NICE' girl. Putting quotations around "nice" suggests that Sheila isn't all that nice.
I can't really think of an instance when a person uses quotation marks in their conversation that they really would use a quotation mark if they were writing it. Now, if I were to say, "I enjoyed the musical 'Les Miserables.'" And used the hand symbol there, that would be appropriate. But, I can't think of it ever being done correctly. I think on National Hand Gesture Day, we should use the hand gesture appropriately. That would be very educational.
Another hand gesture that I think is interesting is the one people use when they say, "Call me." Ususally they use it when they have to whisper "call me." You know the gesture. You put your thumb next to your ear and your little finger at your mouth to simulate what it would look like if a telephone were shaped like a hand.
I wonder what Indians (the American kind) would do when they left a teepee party. Would the one leaving take their hands and pantomine the act of starting a fire and sending a smoke signal? Would they mouth "Smoke signal me"? It's just a thought.
Anyway, on National Hand Gesture Day, I think we should all make that gesture to virtually everyone we meet. Who knows, we may get some interesting phone calls. At least we could leave strangers totally confused when we pull up next to them at a stop light. Just as we're about to pull away, look over, make eye contact, and do the "call me" gesture. They'll spend the entire day trying to figure out who you are.
I'm sure there are other cute gestures we could incorporate into the day. I think it could really catch on. I might even introduce a line of hand gesture greeting cards. This could be big. I gotta get to work on this. If you think of any ideas, "call me." (In other words, don't)
I'm not talking the obscene type. I mean the legitimate hand gestures. For instance, there's the adorable Quotation Mark sort of person. There are those who think it's important to make those two-fingered quotation mark symbols when they speak. Personally, I can't figure out what they mean by doing it. Sometimes they'll make the quotation mark sign when they are using a word that means the opposite of what they should be using. Do quotation marks mean "I'm lying"? Like, when someone says, "Gee, Sheila really looks 'PRETTY' today." Don't they really mean Sheila looks ugly? So when they do the hand gesture when they get to the word "pretty" they're really saying the quotation mark is where i become sarcastic.
Others use quotation marks to mean a double entendre. For instance, "Sheila is a 'NICE' girl. Putting quotations around "nice" suggests that Sheila isn't all that nice.
I can't really think of an instance when a person uses quotation marks in their conversation that they really would use a quotation mark if they were writing it. Now, if I were to say, "I enjoyed the musical 'Les Miserables.'" And used the hand symbol there, that would be appropriate. But, I can't think of it ever being done correctly. I think on National Hand Gesture Day, we should use the hand gesture appropriately. That would be very educational.
Another hand gesture that I think is interesting is the one people use when they say, "Call me." Ususally they use it when they have to whisper "call me." You know the gesture. You put your thumb next to your ear and your little finger at your mouth to simulate what it would look like if a telephone were shaped like a hand.
I wonder what Indians (the American kind) would do when they left a teepee party. Would the one leaving take their hands and pantomine the act of starting a fire and sending a smoke signal? Would they mouth "Smoke signal me"? It's just a thought.
Anyway, on National Hand Gesture Day, I think we should all make that gesture to virtually everyone we meet. Who knows, we may get some interesting phone calls. At least we could leave strangers totally confused when we pull up next to them at a stop light. Just as we're about to pull away, look over, make eye contact, and do the "call me" gesture. They'll spend the entire day trying to figure out who you are.
I'm sure there are other cute gestures we could incorporate into the day. I think it could really catch on. I might even introduce a line of hand gesture greeting cards. This could be big. I gotta get to work on this. If you think of any ideas, "call me." (In other words, don't)
Friday, November 04, 2005
Great (Bad) News!
I spent about three hours in the early morning overnight watching CBS news as well as WTVR's local news. And you'll never guess what I found out. The news stinks. Let me put that a little more clearly...the way the news is written and presented stinks.
Now, I'm very apolitical...totally uninvolved, so I have no real personal interest in the Bush administration, but let me ask you this. If you went to the doctor and he said you were dying, would you break your neck trying to gleefully announce your condition to anyone who would listen? That's the way the news is presented on CBS (and perhaps the other networks as well).
They seem so excited to tell us how much the world hates Bush. And, since, it would seem, Bush represents the U.S., I'm assuming the U.S. is also hated. So, why is CBS so happy about that? I really can't figure it out.
And after CBS has spent about 75% of their news time telling us how bad Bush and his cronies are, they report (again, gleefully) that the President's popularity rating is at its lowest point ever. Seems to me that if you were to pound the American public with horror stories about anyone, their popularity might take a hit. Why, even my popularity would be affected, and we all know how widely loved and cherished I am.
After CBS has spent a couple of hours joyfully telling us that America is going to hell in a handbasket, the local news comes on. Trying to put things positively, I will say this: The channel six early morning news team is so bad, they make Gene Cox look good.
First of all, they spend about two minutes out of every ten minutes greeting one another. Everytime the weather guy comes on, everyone has to greet one another. "Hey Greg!" "Hey Jean!" "Hi Bob!" "Hello Greg!" On and on and on. You'd think they hadn't seen one another in quite awhile, but ten minutes later they're doing it again.
After they cheerfuly greet one another, and express delight over the weather forecast, they then pick up where CBS left off. I don't know if these local media folk are as excited about how much people hate the United States as they pretend to be. I think they just think that's the way professional newscasters are supposed to act.
One story I saw on the news today has me a little puzzled. Maybe the Richmond Police Department has more power than I think. But, the people over at Channel Six are sure worried about the police enacting a law that will force all gasoline station owners to install pay before you pump systems to avoid the drive-offs.
Apparently, based on the way the story was reported over and over again, the police are tired of responding to calls regarding those who pump gas and take off without paying. So, the police are trying to make it a law that all pumps be equipped with a system that won't allow pumping without paying.
I guess the police figure since they're totally inept at enforcing laws, they'll start legislating them. What's next? I'd think drive-aways at the pump is just another form of shoplifting. Maybe the police will enact a law that requires all customers to present a credit card when they enter a store, in case they're a shoplifter.
I really did not realize what powers the police have. But WTVR has a lot of gas station operators really upset this morning at what the police are trying to do.
To all those upset gas guys, I say, "Cheer up." I have some great news. According to CBS everyone hates us. Now, doesn't that make you feel better?
Now, I'm very apolitical...totally uninvolved, so I have no real personal interest in the Bush administration, but let me ask you this. If you went to the doctor and he said you were dying, would you break your neck trying to gleefully announce your condition to anyone who would listen? That's the way the news is presented on CBS (and perhaps the other networks as well).
They seem so excited to tell us how much the world hates Bush. And, since, it would seem, Bush represents the U.S., I'm assuming the U.S. is also hated. So, why is CBS so happy about that? I really can't figure it out.
And after CBS has spent about 75% of their news time telling us how bad Bush and his cronies are, they report (again, gleefully) that the President's popularity rating is at its lowest point ever. Seems to me that if you were to pound the American public with horror stories about anyone, their popularity might take a hit. Why, even my popularity would be affected, and we all know how widely loved and cherished I am.
After CBS has spent a couple of hours joyfully telling us that America is going to hell in a handbasket, the local news comes on. Trying to put things positively, I will say this: The channel six early morning news team is so bad, they make Gene Cox look good.
First of all, they spend about two minutes out of every ten minutes greeting one another. Everytime the weather guy comes on, everyone has to greet one another. "Hey Greg!" "Hey Jean!" "Hi Bob!" "Hello Greg!" On and on and on. You'd think they hadn't seen one another in quite awhile, but ten minutes later they're doing it again.
After they cheerfuly greet one another, and express delight over the weather forecast, they then pick up where CBS left off. I don't know if these local media folk are as excited about how much people hate the United States as they pretend to be. I think they just think that's the way professional newscasters are supposed to act.
One story I saw on the news today has me a little puzzled. Maybe the Richmond Police Department has more power than I think. But, the people over at Channel Six are sure worried about the police enacting a law that will force all gasoline station owners to install pay before you pump systems to avoid the drive-offs.
Apparently, based on the way the story was reported over and over again, the police are tired of responding to calls regarding those who pump gas and take off without paying. So, the police are trying to make it a law that all pumps be equipped with a system that won't allow pumping without paying.
I guess the police figure since they're totally inept at enforcing laws, they'll start legislating them. What's next? I'd think drive-aways at the pump is just another form of shoplifting. Maybe the police will enact a law that requires all customers to present a credit card when they enter a store, in case they're a shoplifter.
I really did not realize what powers the police have. But WTVR has a lot of gas station operators really upset this morning at what the police are trying to do.
To all those upset gas guys, I say, "Cheer up." I have some great news. According to CBS everyone hates us. Now, doesn't that make you feel better?
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Steve Cook and His Wife are Proud to Announce...
Well, I'm rather proud to announce that we have a new addition in our family. That's the reason I've been away from work for a few days recently. Not suprisingly, my wife is the proudest and most pleased. Although, despite some initial concerns, I am now very happy myself. It's not something my wife and I rushed into. We sat down and counted the cost before we did anything else. I protested that the cost might be more than we wished, but she said it would all be worth it. I think she's probably right.
My wife is so protective of this bundle of joy. She won't even let me come near without first taking a shower. And I better not even think about eating or drinking anywhere in the same room. I think that's carrying things a little too far but I comply...better safe than sorry, I suppose.
The delivery occurred while I was in China, so for several days all I could do was listen to my wife rave about how beautiful it is. My wife prepared the room prior to the delivery. Everything had to be just right. I was sorry I wasn't there to help, but business is business.
Listening to my wife's excitement over the phone, I couldn't wait to get home and see for myself. She was right. It is beautiful. And big too. The biggest I've ever seen. It sits up and lies down on demand which is great...especially when I want to watch TV.
Of course, as you have no doubt guessed, I'm talking about our new bed. It's king-size. I've never had one of those. I need a roadmap just to crawl over and kiss my wife good night.
This baby is comfortable too. I haven't slept so well since I was a baby myself. In fact, while previously I really didn't look forward to going to bed, nowadays, I find myself daydreaming about going home, grabbing the remote and climbing in bed. I'm not talking about the remote for the TV, either. The bed has a remote. Actually, it has two, one for my side and one for my wife's side. I can use the remote to choose a number that best suits my sleep. I'm so worried about choosing the wrong number that I've avoided using that feature on the remote. But, there are other buttons I'm enjoying.
I can raise the head and the feet. Sometimes I double myself over like a big slice of bologna on a small bun. It's not all that comfortable in that position, but just the fact I can do it means a lot. There's also a massager on the bed. It gently rocks me to sleep some nights, and once you get used to a sound somewhat similar to a freight train rolling through the house, it's not bad at all.
My wife even got a special pillow for me. Her pillow is for people who sleep on their backs, but mine is for us special folk, who sleep on our sides. Sometimes I start to lie down on my back, but she quickly reminds me that that's against the rules. So I have to shift positions. I don't want to abuse the pillow. I had a terrible fear last night. I asked my wife, "Suppose we get mixed up on pillows? Will that hurt anything?"
She was one step ahead of me. "That's why I left the cardboard tag in your pillow case...so you'd know it was yours."
I wondered why I had a big piece of cardboard cutting into my ear. I'm glad to get an answer to that one. Although, I do wonder why she didn't leave the cardboard in her pillow.
Despite the cardboard and the freight train sounds, I really am sleeping better. I'm guessing that's why my disposition is so cheery these days. You've probably noticed it too. Well, I think I'm going to take a little nap. It is almost noon around here.
My wife is so protective of this bundle of joy. She won't even let me come near without first taking a shower. And I better not even think about eating or drinking anywhere in the same room. I think that's carrying things a little too far but I comply...better safe than sorry, I suppose.
The delivery occurred while I was in China, so for several days all I could do was listen to my wife rave about how beautiful it is. My wife prepared the room prior to the delivery. Everything had to be just right. I was sorry I wasn't there to help, but business is business.
Listening to my wife's excitement over the phone, I couldn't wait to get home and see for myself. She was right. It is beautiful. And big too. The biggest I've ever seen. It sits up and lies down on demand which is great...especially when I want to watch TV.
Of course, as you have no doubt guessed, I'm talking about our new bed. It's king-size. I've never had one of those. I need a roadmap just to crawl over and kiss my wife good night.
This baby is comfortable too. I haven't slept so well since I was a baby myself. In fact, while previously I really didn't look forward to going to bed, nowadays, I find myself daydreaming about going home, grabbing the remote and climbing in bed. I'm not talking about the remote for the TV, either. The bed has a remote. Actually, it has two, one for my side and one for my wife's side. I can use the remote to choose a number that best suits my sleep. I'm so worried about choosing the wrong number that I've avoided using that feature on the remote. But, there are other buttons I'm enjoying.
I can raise the head and the feet. Sometimes I double myself over like a big slice of bologna on a small bun. It's not all that comfortable in that position, but just the fact I can do it means a lot. There's also a massager on the bed. It gently rocks me to sleep some nights, and once you get used to a sound somewhat similar to a freight train rolling through the house, it's not bad at all.
My wife even got a special pillow for me. Her pillow is for people who sleep on their backs, but mine is for us special folk, who sleep on our sides. Sometimes I start to lie down on my back, but she quickly reminds me that that's against the rules. So I have to shift positions. I don't want to abuse the pillow. I had a terrible fear last night. I asked my wife, "Suppose we get mixed up on pillows? Will that hurt anything?"
She was one step ahead of me. "That's why I left the cardboard tag in your pillow case...so you'd know it was yours."
I wondered why I had a big piece of cardboard cutting into my ear. I'm glad to get an answer to that one. Although, I do wonder why she didn't leave the cardboard in her pillow.
Despite the cardboard and the freight train sounds, I really am sleeping better. I'm guessing that's why my disposition is so cheery these days. You've probably noticed it too. Well, I think I'm going to take a little nap. It is almost noon around here.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Is It Just Me, Or Do I Really Look Sick?
Hello. My name is Steve C. and I, well, uh, I'm a hypochondriac. There! I've admitted it. Gee, I feel better already. It's a secret I've lived with for years, but just recently it's been made painfully obvious to me that the world is crawling with us hypochondriacs. So, as a public service, I've decided to come out in the open...to come out of the medicine cabinet, if you will. I feel that by calling attention to my shameful problem, I can, somehow, in my own small, humble way, help others come to grips with their own hypochondria.
As I said, I've come to realize there are many sufferers. Take Bill W. (not the AA Bill W.). He took his wife to the hospital for a procedure. As the doctor was describing just what he'd be doing to Bill W.'s wife, Bill W. became queasy. His blood pressure rocketed to over 200. The doctors couldn't do the procedure on Mrs. Bill W. because they were too worried about him. In comparison to Bill W., I'm a rank amateur hypochondriac.
Although I can relate. If someone tells me about an injury they suffered, I double over in pain. No matter what part of their body was injured, I feel the pain in my mid-section. So, please, if you've had any terrible injury, I'd just as soon not know about it.
Then there's Julie C. (wife of Steve C.). She tells me last night that she can't seem to stay awake the last couple of days. She blames it on conversion-to-Eastern-Time jet lag. She hasn't been anywhere, but she has jet lag because of the clock being set back. The poor thing doesn't even realize what a hypochondriac she is.
Although I'm willing to limp up to the plate and admit I'm a hypochondriac, that doesn't mean that I fully believe that there isn't something seriously wrong with me. I saw a cartoon recently. A man was sitting in his doctor's office. He was saying to the doctor: "Okay, suppose I am a hypochondriac, that could be brought on by a brain tumor, couldn't it?"
I know just what the guy means. Although there may be some seriously neurotic people out there (Bill W. and Julie C., as examples), I'm sure I really have some exotic tropical illness that doctor's just can't seem to locate. Take my back for instance...please (an old Henny Youngman joke, but a good one). Sure, every orthopedic specialist in the city has examined it and said they can't find any problem. But I know how badly I hurt. In fact, now that I'm taking the time to really think about it, I'm probably not a hypochondriac at all. Just the opposite, I probably have an extremely high threshold of pain. If most people experienced the pain I'm experiencing, they'd probably be in the hospital, or worse. But not me. No sir. I'm a trooper. I keep on going.
And, it's not just my back. Did I mention I have combination skin. I've suffered with that for decades. But do you hear me complaining? I'll answer that...NO. Plus, I have flat feet and a horseshoe kidney. Furthermore, I have some sort of illness that everytime someone even mentions the word "flatulence" (or a more unsavory synonym), I have a coughing fit.
And you don't think I'm really sick? I'm a wreck. But, I keep a stiff upper lip and keep on going. Not like those hypochondriacs. I really think they have problems upstairs, if you know what I'm trying to say.
Well, I hope this little tirade has made you feel better. I feel better, although, I still have this pain in my lower back. I'm in excruciating pain every time I do this....
As I said, I've come to realize there are many sufferers. Take Bill W. (not the AA Bill W.). He took his wife to the hospital for a procedure. As the doctor was describing just what he'd be doing to Bill W.'s wife, Bill W. became queasy. His blood pressure rocketed to over 200. The doctors couldn't do the procedure on Mrs. Bill W. because they were too worried about him. In comparison to Bill W., I'm a rank amateur hypochondriac.
Although I can relate. If someone tells me about an injury they suffered, I double over in pain. No matter what part of their body was injured, I feel the pain in my mid-section. So, please, if you've had any terrible injury, I'd just as soon not know about it.
Then there's Julie C. (wife of Steve C.). She tells me last night that she can't seem to stay awake the last couple of days. She blames it on conversion-to-Eastern-Time jet lag. She hasn't been anywhere, but she has jet lag because of the clock being set back. The poor thing doesn't even realize what a hypochondriac she is.
Although I'm willing to limp up to the plate and admit I'm a hypochondriac, that doesn't mean that I fully believe that there isn't something seriously wrong with me. I saw a cartoon recently. A man was sitting in his doctor's office. He was saying to the doctor: "Okay, suppose I am a hypochondriac, that could be brought on by a brain tumor, couldn't it?"
I know just what the guy means. Although there may be some seriously neurotic people out there (Bill W. and Julie C., as examples), I'm sure I really have some exotic tropical illness that doctor's just can't seem to locate. Take my back for instance...please (an old Henny Youngman joke, but a good one). Sure, every orthopedic specialist in the city has examined it and said they can't find any problem. But I know how badly I hurt. In fact, now that I'm taking the time to really think about it, I'm probably not a hypochondriac at all. Just the opposite, I probably have an extremely high threshold of pain. If most people experienced the pain I'm experiencing, they'd probably be in the hospital, or worse. But not me. No sir. I'm a trooper. I keep on going.
And, it's not just my back. Did I mention I have combination skin. I've suffered with that for decades. But do you hear me complaining? I'll answer that...NO. Plus, I have flat feet and a horseshoe kidney. Furthermore, I have some sort of illness that everytime someone even mentions the word "flatulence" (or a more unsavory synonym), I have a coughing fit.
And you don't think I'm really sick? I'm a wreck. But, I keep a stiff upper lip and keep on going. Not like those hypochondriacs. I really think they have problems upstairs, if you know what I'm trying to say.
Well, I hope this little tirade has made you feel better. I feel better, although, I still have this pain in my lower back. I'm in excruciating pain every time I do this....
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