Finally Famous After All These Years

Wow! I must be famous. So this is what it feels like. Hmm, I wonder if Mayor Governor Wilder is going to give me the key to the city, or at least give me one of the city’s discarded artist renderings of some really neat place that never got built. That would be cool.
But, I guess I had better slow down and explain myself. How do I know I’m famous? You might be thinking someone asked for my autograph. Think again. The UPS guy did ask me to sign for a package of toner cartridges the other day, but that’s about the closest I’ve come to autographing anything.
Or, could it be I’ve been asked to judge a beauty contest? That might seem to be a logical conclusion inasmuch as all the famous people who get to do that aren’t really all that famous. At least, I’ve never heard of any of them. But, no. No one has asked me to judge anything.
I did get a call from someone with the Miss Virginia Pageant recently, but she only called to complain because I had innocently made the statement that the Miss Virginia Pageant has to be the most poorly produced programming in the history of pageantry. I think I may have said something about the semi-lovely ladies being completely devoid of talent. I hope I didn’t say that. I hope I only thought it. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But, to reiterate, I have not become aware of my fame due to any requests to judge things.
Maybe, you’re thinking I’ve become so famous that I was asked to be in this year’s Ukrop’s Christmas Parade, maybe even to be the grand marshal. Nope. And, I’m not complaining either. I was told, by our Art Director, Vince Robertson, who watched on TV, that this year’s parade was so bad, Ukrop’s has asked that from now on it be called the Food Lion Christmas Parade. Vince tells me that the Henrico County float was downright embarrassing. Well, maybe he didn’t use that term, but he described the float, something to the effect that it was a tool shed on a truck. Way to go, Henrico! But anyway, I’m not famous because of any parade. Although, it would be cool to have a big balloon that looked like me flying above the buildings. Of course, some people think I look like a big balloon of me already.
So, back to my famousness. Is it because people come up to me and say, “Hey, Steve, we really enjoy your columns”? No, the truth is no one has ever, and I mean ever, recognized me in public, even when I’m wearing a badge that says, “Steve Cook.” In fact, it wasn’t so very long ago, I approached a big wig with the Chamber of Commerce, who, every time I encountered him at a meeting, would always say, “It’s good to meet you.” I spoke to this guy every month at a breakfast meeting, and invariably, every month, he would introduce himself to me, and I’d play along and introduce myself to him, and every month he would say, in the same totally insincere manner, “It’s good to meet you.”
So, at this one particular meeting, I approached him, before he could come up and introduce himself for the umpteenth time. As he was starting to re-introduce himself, I said (and keep in mind, I’m wearing a badge that identifies me as who I am – Steve, in case you’ve forgotten), “Joe, we’ve met before.”
“Yes, I remember,” he says, and continues, “It’s nice to see you again Dave.” DAVE! Hold on, you moron. I’m Steve Cook. I’m famous. I didn’t actually say that. But, I sure thought it, except for that part about being famous. I have never thought that.
But, I have thought about how great it would be to be famous. The biggest thing about being famous is all the free stuff. I imagine famous people are always being given stuff for free, you know, like cars and free hamburgers, and other neat stuff like that. Until now, I’m sorry to say fame has eluded me as successfully as has talent.
But, the day has arrived. And, if you’ve looked closely at this page, you’re one step ahead of me. Did you notice? Yes, I am famous. Because only famous people have impersonators impersonating them. And now, there’s a Steve Cook impersonator out there. Look at the picture. Surprise! That’s not me. It’s Chase Porter, who lives in Smithfield, Virginia, and fittingly, Chase is a real ham.
He does a perfect me, I think. Actually, it’s a perfect mini-me, which even adds to my fame. Don’t you think?
And, if you ever saw Chase do the impersonation on stage, you’d notice he even blinks like me. I’m one of the world’s great blinkers. Anyway, the next time he does one of his popular, “An Evening With Steve Cook (sort of) Concerts,” I’ll let you know. And, if you’re famous, I can probably get you a couple of tickets for free.