Small-Fried Lungs

Well those fine folks who make Camel Cigarettes are up to their old tricks again. With a tip of the cap to Joe Camel, the marketing gurus at R.J. Reynolds have developed candy-flavored cigarettes. Gee, I wonder to whom they’re marketing these sweet treats. Obviously, it’s a pretty brilliant, albeit, diabolical campaign. I’ve never smoked and yet I have this burning desire to try the “Kauai Kolada,” with its “Hawaiian hints of cocoanut and pineapple.” There’s also a “Twista Lime” version of the cigarette, both being labeled as the “official cigarettes of summer.” I think Reynolds is also putting coupons on the back of each pack. Save enough coupons and you can redeem them for a Don Ho Digital Artificial Larynx that plays Tiny Bubbles when the user isn’t attempting to speak. So, the whole idea is pretty cool if you ask me.
In fact, I would think that maybe the alcoholic-beverage marketing people could take a lesson from R.J. Reynolds Tobacco. For instance, and I’m just thinking out loud here, why not introduce Jack Daniels, Jr.? It could be a fruity-flavored bourbon with a surprise in every bottle. Or, how about Little Buddyweiser – promoted as having a tropical taste, straight from Gilligan’s Isle.
Speaking of staggering, which in a roundabout way, we kinda are, what is truly staggering to me, are the statistics released by the American Lung Association. In a recent press release, they say, “Each day more than 5,000 kids under 18 try their first cigarette.” According to statistics I’ve seen, only about 11,000 kids in America turn 18 each day. That means nearly half of these kids will have tried a cigarette by the time they turn 18. The American Lung Association goes on to report that about 2,000 children become established smokers each day. Think about that. I don’t really know what a pack of cigarettes costs, but just kind of guessing at a low figure of $2.50 a pack, and figuring each kid smokes 3 to 4 packs a week, the tobacco industry is making enough money (and I’m just estimating here) to pay for a decent funeral for about 200,000 kids a year.
And, one more thing, since I’ve already ticked off the local tobacco supporters…if I had just landed on this planet, and everything I knew about American culture I learned from radio and television, I’d conclude that this Phillip Morris guy must be the most decent man on earth. I’d be duly impressed that this generous, giving soul was taking his hard-earned money and spending it to try and keep kids, as well as adults, from smoking. I guess that’s why he changed the name of his company to Altruistic, or something pretty close to that.
Kudos to Mr. Morris and Joe Camel as well. Kudos, indeed! You have come up with some truly amazing ways to push your products. And, who knows how many countless thousands of kids are just dying to try them?