Sr. Steve Habla Espanol

Everything I really ever needed to know about the Spanish language I've learned from reading the Charmin package. I know, I know, I used to rail against multi-language packaging, but that was the old, unenlightened Steve. Now, I'm more accepting. I spent some quality time recently reading the package of Charmin and, quite frankly, I learned a lot.
For instance, do you know what "Papel Higienico" is? You may be thinking it's some sort of edict from the Catholic Chuch. Nope, it's spanish for "toilet paper." Cool, huh? Much nicer than toilet paper. If I were to say, "Hey, look at me, I have some toilet paper," you probably wouldn't even pay me any attention. But, if were to say, "Hey look at me, I have some papel higienico," I bet you'd look at me with a new found respect.
And, that's just the tip of the iceberg (which is Spanish for "iceberg"). On the Charmin package it says that Charmin is safe for your sewer. But, in Spanish it's seguro for your drenaje. Drenage sounds nice. It almost sounds like something you might see on the menu in a Mexican restaurant. But, just suppose, you found a menu item that said "Sewer Surprise." You see what I'm talking about?
Even those Spanish verbs are much neater sounding. Again, referring back to my Charmin, the package comes with a toilet spindle extender for the new Charmin mega roll (rollos to my Spanish-speaking friends). You know, those new rolls are so big that now they need new toilet paper holders to contain them. One day soon, we'll probably have to have our roll of toilet paper delivered by UPS. Anway, in English the Charmin folks say, to "place" the Charmin Extender through the Mega Roll. But, in Spanish, we are instructed to "Introduzca" it. How polite. You're really introducing the extender to the toilet paper. Mr. Extender, I'd like you to meet Mr. Mega Roll. Nice to meet you Mr. Extender - well, you get the point.
I'm excited about this Spanish-speaking thing. I've come to the conclusion, and I admit, some of you will probably not agree with me here, but I truly think we should all start speaking Spanish. Even though you may not agree, hear me out. If we all started speaking Spanish, no woman would ever be called ugly again. They'd simply be feo. Kinda cute sounding, huh? I wouldn't be fat. I'd just be gordo. And believe you me, I'd much rather be called "Gordo."
You wouldn't tell anyone their breath stinks. It hedors. And, if you have to break some bad news to someone, imagine how much nicer it would be to say, "Su gato es muerto," than "Your cat is dead."
Are you on the same page with me yet? If we all started speaking Spanish overnight, what a much nicer world this would be. There'd be no more hate, only some "odio." Anger would give way to colero. And wars would cease, being replaced by a helping of guerra.
I love it. From now on, no more English for me. Hablare espanol. Adios.