A VISIT TO GERIATRIC PARK

It's a big day here at the ol' office. I'm set to unveil a new product line aimed at those vibrant "active adults (active, as in still breathing)" in my age group. I want to run some of these ideas by you first to see if you think I have a real money-maker on my hands, but only if you qualify. My products would only appeal to those of you who are, how should I say it, just a bit long in the tooth. So, before we proceed, I'd like you to answer a few questions:

1) When you see an ad for an assisted living community, do you find yourself thinking, "Wow. What a cool place to live!"?
2) Do you look at the green and red plaid polyester pants in your closet and say, "Honey, could you buy me a black and white checkered flannel shirt to go with these pants?"
3) Do you find yourself wishing you could be fifty again?
4) Do you spend hours each day checking your pulse and trying to determine if that lump on your left side has a match on the right side?
5) Do you remember a time in the past when Presidents of the United States were younger than you?
6) Is Pepe the Wonder Chihuahua your closest friend?

If you can answer yes to at least four of those questions, then the Steve Cook Senior Moments Gift Collection might be just for you. Here are a few of the items in our first catalogue.

CONNECT THE LIVER SPOTS MARKERS - These non-toxic, easily-wash-off markers provide hours of fun as you connect your liver spots creating clever, and often hilarious shapes.

SILENCE CUSHION - Place this high-tech cushion, utilizing sound asorbing materials developed by NASA, on the chair and invite one of your senior friends to sit on it. Watch for the shock in his/her eyes when he/she sits down and produces none of those tell-tale embarrassing sounds.

HARD CANDY LINT REMOVER - This safe, gentle cleanser comes in a handy spray can and is perfect for cleaning the hard candy that's been sitting in your candy dish since Mother's Day, 1987.

MAIL ENHANCEMENT - Embarrassed by the fact that the mail man just isn't delivering the goods...you know, birthday cards, postcards, letters, and correspondence from family and friends. Now, for just $12.95 a month, Mail Enhancement will send you fake cards for all special occasions. And, when you sign a two-year agreement, we'll send you a pajama-gram at any time of the year you decide.

Finally, one more item for those of you who want to rekindle the romance even when the fire's long been extinguished...PEEKABOO DEPENDS.