Many Are Cold; Few Are Frozen. I'm Frozen

I am certainly thankful for global warming this morning. Think about it. If it were not for global warming, life as we know it would have been extinguished throughout much of the United States within the past few days.
I’m imagining that if we were not creating that greenhouse effect with our deodorant cans (or whatever, I don’t really care), the wind chills in Michigan and other northern states would have dipped down to, oh, I don’t know, maybe 500 degrees below zero.
They tell me that when it gets that cold, it’s almost impossible to start your car, or flush your toilet. And, if you can’t do either of those, what really is the point in living?
Speaking of wind chill factors, isn’t that about the most ridiculous thing you ever heard of? Jim Duncan tells me how cold it feels to me. How does he know? I think he could tell you his personal wind chill factor, but what might feel like 17 degrees to him, might feel like 15.75 degrees to me.
But, don’t get me started on weathermen. That’s about the most unnecessary job on earth. When you think about it, all they can really do is tell you the current temperature and what it’s doing or not doing outside. Once they get into prognostication, their abilities somewhat fall apart.
For instance, last week, several school systems shut down because the weathermen (and ladies, better known as weatherpersons) were calling for some sort of winter precipitation. We certainly got that. Years from now, they’ll be calling it the “Drizzle of ’07.”
The kids who were dismissed early from school last week will be telling their grandchildren, “When I was your age, the temperature dipped down into the mid-thirties, and a cold rain fell intermittently for much of the day. It was so bad, they had to shut the schools down.”
Of course, by that time, with this global warming thing, the kids will be sipping pina coladas under palm trees at their winter homes on Cape Cod. Due to glacial meltdowns, Cape Cod will be relocated to the Chicago area by then, I’m guessing.
Anyway, back to the present…I’m freezing this morning. I have my BVDs on. I only have one pair and I intend to wear them all week. The way I look at it, it’s better to feel good than to smell good.
Besides, it’s too cold in our office for smell to travel. Our boss Ebenezer Davis, keeps the thermostat at 60 degrees in here. If you notice any typos here, it’s because it’s just too hard to type with gloves on.
I hate gloves. I don’t know if I have a particular sensitivity to gloves or not, but once I put gloves on, it’s like I have shoes on my hands. I can’t pull anything out of my pocket. I can’t dial my cell phone. I can’t put the key in the ignition. I can’t even pick my nose. Actually, I can pick my nose, but…well, never mind.
My whole point here is this…I’m cold, uncomfortably so. Here, then is an open letter to big commerce. I’m appealing to the big corporate giants.

Dear Ruthless Businessmen and Unconcerned Contaminators of our Atmosphere:

Can’t you turn up the pollution just a bit more? Can’t you emit some additional gasses over the next few days? Can’t you speed up this global warming thing? If there’s anyway the temperature could be in the mid-70s by the time I head home this evening, I would be very appreciative. Thanks in advance for anything you can do.

Your frozen friend,

Steve