I am certainly thankful for global warming this morning. Think about it. If it were not for global warming, life as we know it would have been extinguished throughout much of the United States within the past few days.
I’m imagining that if we were not creating that greenhouse effect with our deodorant cans (or whatever, I don’t really care), the wind chills in Michigan and other northern states would have dipped down to, oh, I don’t know, maybe 500 degrees below zero.
They tell me that when it gets that cold, it’s almost impossible to start your car, or flush your toilet. And, if you can’t do either of those, what really is the point in living?
Speaking of wind chill factors, isn’t that about the most ridiculous thing you ever heard of? Jim Duncan tells me how cold it feels to me. How does he know? I think he could tell you his personal wind chill factor, but what might feel like 17 degrees to him, might feel like 15.75 degrees to me.
But, don’t get me started on weathermen. That’s about the most unnecessary job on earth. When you think about it, all they can really do is tell you the current temperature and what it’s doing or not doing outside. Once they get into prognostication, their abilities somewhat fall apart.
For instance, last week, several school systems shut down because the weathermen (and ladies, better known as weatherpersons) were calling for some sort of winter precipitation. We certainly got that. Years from now, they’ll be calling it the “Drizzle of ’07.”
The kids who were dismissed early from school last week will be telling their grandchildren, “When I was your age, the temperature dipped down into the mid-thirties, and a cold rain fell intermittently for much of the day. It was so bad, they had to shut the schools down.”
Of course, by that time, with this global warming thing, the kids will be sipping pina coladas under palm trees at their winter homes on Cape Cod. Due to glacial meltdowns, Cape Cod will be relocated to the Chicago area by then, I’m guessing.
Anyway, back to the present…I’m freezing this morning. I have my BVDs on. I only have one pair and I intend to wear them all week. The way I look at it, it’s better to feel good than to smell good.
Besides, it’s too cold in our office for smell to travel. Our boss Ebenezer Davis, keeps the thermostat at 60 degrees in here. If you notice any typos here, it’s because it’s just too hard to type with gloves on.
I hate gloves. I don’t know if I have a particular sensitivity to gloves or not, but once I put gloves on, it’s like I have shoes on my hands. I can’t pull anything out of my pocket. I can’t dial my cell phone. I can’t put the key in the ignition. I can’t even pick my nose. Actually, I can pick my nose, but…well, never mind.
My whole point here is this…I’m cold, uncomfortably so. Here, then is an open letter to big commerce. I’m appealing to the big corporate giants.
Dear Ruthless Businessmen and Unconcerned Contaminators of our Atmosphere:
Can’t you turn up the pollution just a bit more? Can’t you emit some additional gasses over the next few days? Can’t you speed up this global warming thing? If there’s anyway the temperature could be in the mid-70s by the time I head home this evening, I would be very appreciative. Thanks in advance for anything you can do.
Your frozen friend,
Steve
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3 comments:
Dear Steve:
Despite what you may have heard, we never have contaminated, are not contamining, never will contaminate anything.
There is a dangerous black book that has been distributed earth wide, which claims that we are ruining the earth. Don't believe it. It is written by a bunch of dangerous Big Government Liberals.
Get this, they not only want a Big Government--they want the biggest! They want over a hundred thousand kings! And they want these kings to literally destroy Wall Street, leaving it a pile of rubble. They want to equalize all humanity! They want to make sure EVERYONE has jobs, homes, perect healthcare and food. And they claim not to be communists!
Thier own book gives them away. It says, "Be liberal, ready to share." Now tell me, what kind of commie manure is that? It doesn't contain the word conservitive one time!
Well, you'll have to excuse me, I've a meeting with Reverend Fundementalist, Father Menwithmen and Senator Bribeme on how to combat these lies.
Yours truly,
Ruthless Businessmen and Unconcerned Contaminators of our Atmosphere.
The following is a public alert brought to you by your Friendly Ruthless Businessmen:
Gunowners bewarned! The dangerous black book that has propagated everywhere contains another dire bit of propaganda. It seems the Big Government Liberals plan to not only close the loopholes in the already oppressive gun laws, but seize all weapons in voliation of your 2nd Ammendment Rights!!! They want to melt them down to serve thier peacenick purposes. What hippies!!!
Stand up for your rights! You don't have a right to a job, you've no right to transportation to get there or anywhere, you don't have a right to eat, you don't have a right to land or a home, but YOU SURE DO have a right to a gun in order shoot anything that moves on your land (provided you have land).
And before you ask what you will hunt with--get this! They are going to make lions eat straw, voilating the O-so-perfect jungle justice that we model our economy on! If they're going to force lions eat straw, what do you think they will make you eat?
This is not what our Founding Fathers fought and died (and participated in the slave trade and displaced and killed the indigenous residents) for!
Okay, hold on everyone. I'm merely saying I'm a tad chilly.
You folks are way too deep for this old man
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