Pit Stop

I think I want to talk about armpits today. I tell you that, so, just in case you're one of those people who doesn't enjoy a good armpit conversation, you can tune out now. I think, though, you'll have to admit, that this is a subject about which I don't write often.
I've been thinking about armpits since I read a news story recently about this guy in England. He was, according to a British news report, wearing a vest while being shown how to use a new piece of equipment at a gym to which he had belonged for a couple of years. I'm thinking that what the Brits call a vest, is what we call a wife-beater, or a tank top. I can't imagine a real vest on a guy in a gym, but I am not savvy to all those English customs.
Anyway, this guy was working out at the gym when one of the female instructors approaches him and requests that he wear a tee shirt rather than the vest. Apparently, this lady told him that the sight of his "big hairy armpits" would be offensive to other members of the fitness club.
Now, you're probably asking yourself the same question, I've been wondering about. By using the term, "big hairy armpits," was this woman saying that his armpits were big, or that he had big hair growing under them? Or, was the problem that his armpits were both big and hairy? You see the dilemma here. How can you blame a man if his armpits are big. I mean maybe that's why he joined the gym for heavens sake. Although, come to think of it, I've never heard anyone complain about big armpits. I have a lot of weight to lose in several different parts of my body, but I don't think even once in my life have I looked in the mirror and said, "I've got to do something about these huge armpits." In fact, not that I go around boasting, but I think my armpits are a very nice size.
If the woman was saying he had big hair growing under his armpits, that, too, wouldn't make sense. Maybe she meant long hair, or hair in abundance. But could this guy have so much more hair than what you'd find under the average male armpit that he alone would be asked to cover his pits up? I'm guessing he was not Rapunzel-like as regards his armpit hair. I mean if he had armpit hair down to his waist, then I, too, would ask him to cover it up. But, I would like to see it first.
This hairy armpit guy, Anthony Ward, by name, had the most erudite comment. He said, "To me, an armpit is just part of the body." You know, he's bloody right about that. And, I don't think anyone can really argue with him on that point. I'm not sure that his point is germane. I would imagine there are other parts of the body we'd all want to keep covered in the gym, but you can't argue with him when he contends that the armpit is a part of the human body.
Being the great journalist I am, I researched this story a little further. Seems that the female instructor added the offensive big hairy armpit line as an addendum to her main point. What she had told all of the exercisers is that they should keep their armpits covered because their sweat could rust the equipment. If these guys and gals are sloshing so much armpit sweat around the gym as to cause harm to the equipment, it kind of makes me afraid to go back to my gym. At the very least I'm going to wear goggles.
This whole story reminds me of a girl I knew in high school. She was one of those people that made even me look not so dorky. Poor thing, her face gave a whole new meaning to the word ugly. But, the thing I remember most about her is that by 8:30 in the morning, she had armpit sweat rings that went down to her hips. I mean this gal was putting out some major sweat. You'd think if you sweated like that, you'd be somewhat reluctant to raise your hand in class. Not this one. Her hand was raised high for every question. She was the original, "Pick me! Pick me!" girl. I've often wondered what happened to her. She sat next to me in typing class. Now that I'm thinking about all this, I'm wondering if she's the reason my typewriter keys kept sticking.