Have I Shown You Pictures...

I kept my grandson, Jacob, this weekend. He’s only seven weeks old, so watching him was a full-time job for my wife and me. Now, it goes without saying that he’s the cutest and smartest baby on earth today.
But he’s much more than that. He’s a human sucking machine. That baby spends 50% of his time drinking formula, 50% of his time sleeping, and 100% of his time eliminating waste materials.
Even in his sleep, he’s practicing his sucking skills for the next bottle. I made the mistake of cootchie-cooing his chin and the next thing I knew my finger was being devoured. He might not have teeth, but he’s got some iron jaws going for him.
Have you ever noticed (gee, I’m sounding like Andy Rooney) how infants can make adults act like total idiots? I was sitting in a restaurant with the baby, trying to get him to look at the camera as my wife took his picture. I didn’t realize I was making these moronic boop boop boop sounds in an effort to get Jacob’s attention. I didn’t realize until a woman at the next table asked about the strange sound coming from our table.
Since infants don’t speak anyway, why do adults naturally assume that a baby is going to understand baby talk? And why do I think it’s attractive for me to say, “Does him want something to drink? Oh yes him does?”
The kid’s probably thinking, “This man uses the most atrocious grammar of any human I’ve ever met.” I mean my grandson is already confused that he has such a youngish-looking grandfather. I hate to confound him further.
I don’t understand the power a little nine-pound, toothless, speechless, almost-hairless human has. How can something (or someone) who just lies there and pees, manipulate fairly intelligent adults. It must be some sort of mind control thing they have. Why, I even found myself using the word “cutie-patootie.” I actually said it out loud. I looked around immediately to see if there were any other adults around who could have possibly heard me. Thankfully there weren’t. But, I looked down at Jacob. He was grinning…not a cute little baby grin, but an almost evil grin, as if to say, “You’re in my control now old man. You’ll do what I say.”
I have to admit, the look he gave me sent chills up my spine. I felt like those guys on Star Trek must have felt when Spock had them in that Vulcan Mind Meld thing. I was starting to panic, but then I looked at Jacob again. On second thought, it was probably just gas. His...not mine.