A Devil of a Holiday

I wore white pants to work today. But, before you panic, let me say, "Don't!" I'm fine. You see, I don't celebrate Labor Day, so I can wear white pants throughout the year. Speaking (now, catch this segue) of holidays I don't observe, as well as dressing horribly, it's time for the most obnoxious, the most disgusting, the most revolting of all holidays...Halloween.
Aw, it's just a fun time for the kids to dress up. When I hear someone say that, I politely reply, "Shut up, you idiot." Halloween is nothing more than a demonic ritual that teaches kids to blackmail their neighbors.
But, before I get too deep, here are the things I really hate about Halloween:

3) Fat women dressed like prostitutes. You know those skimpy little Playboy Magazine approved costumes that you get from such stores as Sluts R Us? Why is it that the larger gals seem to be drawn to such? I guess they think since everyone else is going to look hideous on Halloween, they may as well also. But when you see these larger than should be legal ladies stuffed into these little tramp outfits, it makes one's eyes want to vomit.

Now, Steve, you may be thinking, where do you see these lucious ladies? That brings me to the #2 thing I hate about Halloween.

2) Businesses that encourage employees to dress up for Halloween. One year, I had my teeth cleaned by a witch. I've deposited my hard earned paycheck with a rabbit, and I've sat across from a 250 pound co-worker (a black guy) dressed like Marilyn Monroe. I hate it. If you want to put on your goofy little outfits and run around your own neighborhood looking like complete fools, I guess you can go ahead, but don't come to work looking like a moron. Grow up people. I believe in fun in the workplace, but I don't believe in responsible adults (which you should be at work) wearing costumes in the workplace. Nothing gets done on Halloween, and when you consider that come Thanksgiving, no work will take place in most offices, until January 2nd, we can't afford to lose another day.

But there's one more thing I hate even more than clowns performing surgery. I mean surgeons dressed like clowns.

1) And that's the discount on candy on November 1st. Hey, I'm on a diet. My life is at stake. Who in their right mind, would put M&M's at 50% discount, or miniature Milky Ways half off? It's not fair. I'm only human. Cut me, I bleed...a lot. I figure with my willpower that by noon the day after Halloween, my blood sugar will be spiking at about 300. I just hope that when they cart me into the emergency room, I'm not tended to by a 400 pound nurse in a fishnet miniskirt and an arrow through her head. If you see that coming, just go ahead and shoot me.