An Open Letter To Illegal Aliens

Dear Illegal Aliens,

I really hate to have to come right out and say some things, for which, I’m sure some may brand me as a bigot. But you’ve forced my hand. Your actions over the past few years have not gone unnoticed by me, as well as many others, let me assure you.
I’ve watched the way you’ve slipped in. I’ve watched you drink our beer, ogle our women, take our jobs. I know what you’re up to. And, personally, it makes me sick.
So, rather than continuing to beat around the bush, or even worse, pretend you don’t even exist, I’m going to address you openly. You’re a disgrace to the human race, if, indeed, I should call you human at all.
Oh dear! I just reread what I’ve written so far. Maybe I didn’t make it clear that I’m only speaking to you illegal aliens from other planets. To the rest of you illegal aliens, I say, “Never mind. Go back to whatever you were doing.”
But to you strange visitors from another planet, to those of you who have no appreciation for truth, justice, and the American way, I have a few things to say. And, I’ll take the consequences for saying these things. If you zap me, or vaporize me, or lay a big bean pod next to me that becomes a shallow, insensitive version of me, and then you discard me (but be careful, that shallow insensitive version, might still be me), so be it.
It wasn’t enough for you to probe our bodies. That, I didn’t object to so much, primarily because it was never my body you were probing. But, this mind control thing has gotten completely out of hand.
Your attempts to drive us insane are working. I know I shouldn’t admit it, but, hey, even you illegal aliens can tell how crazy we’re becoming. You should know. It’s exactly what you’ve been planning. Drive us crazy and this big beautiful planet (which, yes, I like to call Earth), will be yours.
You may succeed, but I’m using this forum to inform mankind of your plans. Ha! Take that. Do you think I don’t know that Larry King is one of you. Who could not know? He barely disguises his lizard-like form behind that disgustingly grotesque human facemask he wears.
I saw him last night. His show was devoted to a serious investigation of the Dick Cheney shooting incident. And, yes, I’m sure millions of your duped minions hung on every word he grunted from somewhere deep down in that reptilian body of his. I honestly don’t know about the other news people. Are they from your planet, or are they mere simple-minded humans over whom you’ve already gained complete mind control? Time will tell, I suppose.
I admit, you almost got my mind hooked with all that Bode Miller hype. I was even contemplating watching the Olympics. I was almost convinced he could win the gold. But, thankfully, my brain is just too supercharged to be fooled by you. I now realize that he is probably of your race…your kind. I went back and looked at the hours of interviews with the guy that I had captured on my DVR. It should be obvious to even the most casual observer that he’s not human.
You aliens are clever, clever creatures. You started us off by filling our heads with hours and hours of brainless television, video games, and, let us not forget your Harlequin Romances. You got our mushy little heads right where you wanted them. And, now you’re ready to completely, and for all time, destroy our ability to think sanely.
Well, maybe you’ll fool some, perhaps even the majority. I’m sure there are plenty of mindless viewers out there who would do your bidding regardless of the consequences. You’re just that good.
But, you’re not perfect. You haven’t taken control of me. My mind is way too sharp, way too focused, to be controlled by your kind. I’ve sat and watched you in action. I gave you time to adapt to our ways. I even had hope for you after watching E.T. and ALF. But, now I know you simply used such friendly alien characterizations to try and make us believe you were harmless…cute, if you will.
I’m here to tell you that your plan may succeed to a point, but there are more like me out here. We will never be controlled. We will take whatever action is necessary to send you home. I’m here to tell you right now, in no uncertain terms, “America…love it or leave it.”
So, just take heed, all of you galactic ne’er-do-wells. I will not be overtaken. I am right now devising a plan of action. A plan so remarkable, so brilliant, that your demise is virtually assured.
I should go back to the garage and continue working on my plan. But that will have to wait. Skating With the Celebrities is coming on right now. And, this is one episode I do not want to miss. I'll get back to you on this.

Love,

Steve