Humane Has Nothing To Do With Humans

You know, one thing I have learned from this recent Maymont Park bear thing is that I have misjudged Richmond's Mayor Governor Wilder. This man cares deeply, not only about all of his subjects, but even their animals. If anything, Mr. Mayor, Governor Wilder cares too deeply, so deeply, in fact, that I have been inspired to produce my first ever play.
So, here to entertain, and, hopefully inspire you with the wonderment of all that is Doug Wilder, I present the Steve Cook Ensemble Players, with a short play, I like to call, Mayor Governor Wilder and the Pet Project.

Scene: Mayor Governor Wilder is asleep in bed in the Mayor Governor's Mansion. One of his chief aides enters the room, shakes Mr. Wilder and speaks:

MANOLI
Mayor Governor Wilder, wake up. Wake up sir.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
What is it Rocheste...uh, Manoli? What's wrong?

MANOLI
I hate to bother you at this early hour, sir.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER (interrupting)
What time is it?

MANOLI
It's 3:07 in the morning, sir.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
Three AM! For heavens sake, this better be important.

MANOLI
I'm afraid it is, Sir. You see, we've just found a dead bird in your back yard.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
What is it? Bird flu?

MANOLI
No sir. If the bird flew it wouldn't have been attacked by the cat.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
Are you sure the bird is dead? Bring it here. Maybe I can help it.

MANOLI
No sir, I think it's a little too late for that.

(sound of someone knocking on bedroom door)

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
Now what is it? (shouting) Come in.

PAUL GOLDMAN (entering the room)
Sorry to disturb you Mr. Mayor Governor Wilder.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
What is it Paul?

PAUL GOLDMAN
I have just been informed that a dog was hit by a car in Windsor Farms...

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER (interrupting)
That figures.

PAUL GOLDMAN
Excuse me, sir?

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
Oh, nothing, just that whole area...nothing but a bunch of thugs. But, how's the dog?

PAUL GOLDMAN
I hear that it's dead, sir.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
Heard that it was dead? You haven't checked it out?

PAUL GOLDMAN
No sir. Should I have?

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
Of course you should have. Now get down to Windsor Farms and get that dog. I want it brought back here immediately. And, oh, Paul...

PAUL GOLDMAN
Yes sir?

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
You better take some police protection. It is Windsor Farms, you know.

PAUL GOLDMAN
Yes sir, right away sir. (leaves)

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
My lord, what's going on Rocheste..I, er, mean Manoli?

MANOLI
What do you mean, Mr. Mayor Governor Wilder?

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
I mean it's like some sort of dead pet pandemic. We've got to put a stop to this and we have to do it now! (stops, listens to hubub offstage) Hey, what's all that hubub offstage?

MANOLI
You mean the dogs? They're the ones you had removed from the SPCA. You didn't think the folks down there cared deeply enough.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
No, I hear the dogs, but I also hear the sounds of what sounds like a youngster. What's going on?

MANOLI
Oh, it's just Governor Mayor Tim Kaine. He says it's an emergency, but, don't worry, your staff is keeping him at bay.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
How many times have I told you people, 'suffer the young children unto me'?

MANOLI
I know you've told us, but we aren't quite sure what that means.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
It means let Tim Kaine in.

MANOLI (walking to door, opens it and speaks to Tim Kaine)
You can come on in, Mr. Kaine.

TIM KAINE (enters room carrying a goldfish bowl)
Mr. Mayor Governor Wilder, ordinarily I wouldn't disturb you at this hour of the night, but...

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
What is it Timmy. You can tell me.

TIM KAINE
It's my son's goldfish, Whitey. I think...well, sir...(Kaine starts to cry)

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER (getting off bed, comes over and puts his arm around Kaine)
It'll be okay. Now tell me what's wrong?

TIM KAINE (whimpering)
I think it's...I'm afraid it's...er, uh, I think it's dead.

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
My gosh, son. Why didn't you say so. Here let me take a look at it. (grabs the bowl from Kaine and pulls the goldfish out. Wilder holds the fish up to the light and examines it.)
Hold on one minute here!

MANOLI
What is it sir?

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER
I think there may still be some hope for Whitey. (Wilder begins to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation)

TIM KAINE
Oh, could it be? Dare I hope?

MAYOR GOVERNOR WILDER (holding a wiggling goldfish up for all to see)
Now! Do you see why I want to be advised immediately about all of our four legged friends. There's a chance I may be able save 'em.

MANOLI
Yes, Mr. Mayor Governor Wilder. And, I guess (Manoli points at goldfish, now back in bowl) that even goes for our no-legged friends as well.

(All laugh and high-five the Mayor - as the curtain descends)


Well, that's my little play. I hope you appreciate the fact that I have dressed up like Loretta Young this morning in order to add to the overall show biz feel to this presentation. And, even more, I hope all of you have been somewhat inspired.