Living Off the Fat of the Land

Well, I finally did it. I bit the bullet, took the plunge, as it were. Yes, I have gone and done it. I’ve rejoined Weight Watchers. There’s really only one good thing about Weight Watchers. It works. I can attest to that. I’ve lost hundreds of pounds with Weight Watchers. Of course in the past I’ve put them back on again. This time will be different. I promise.
Here’s why I am so sure this time will be different. The last time I joined, I merely said, “I really, really, really promise that this time I’ll stick with it.” You see. I only used “really” three times. This time I’m taking “really” to the fourth power. So, as you can see, this time will be different.
I like Weight Watchers philosophy. I even enjoy counting points. I get 28 a day, by the way, if you’re keeping score. Yesterday, I only had 23. Plus, Weight Watchers has a new plan that gives you 35 extra points a week. Gee, I don’t know what sort of influence they have that they can give away points like that. But, if they’re giving, I’m taking. I see one buffet a week in my future.
The thing I don’t like about Weight Watchers is that there are so many fat people there. And, all they talk about is their weight. “I lost 1.1 pounds this week.” Applause applause. Or, “I’m now down to a svelte 265.” Applause, applause.
And pray tell me, why does a fat woman who has lost a couple of pounds think she should immediately jump back into the spandex? There are some dimples I’d just as soon not see.
I hope I don’t sound bigoted, but I really don’t enjoy spending an evening a week surrounded by fat women. And, if I am going to spend that time, can’t we find something more interesting to talk about than that new lightweight popcorn that is made of 65% cardboard?
But, I’ll tell you who are even more tedious than fat women…formerly fat women. You see, in order to be a Weight Watchers instructor you have to be one of their success stories. You have to have gotten to your goal weight, and then stuck with their maintenance plan for so many weeks.
I think they make that rule, not to see if these gals will keep the weight off, but to ensure that they can drone on for hours about their weight loss. They say there’s nothing more tiresome than spending time with a reformed prostitute. To my knowledge, I don’t know any reformed prostitutes, but I do know some Weight Watchers instructors, and I’d pit them against the prostitutes any day. Come to think of it, that could make for some pretty good reality TV.
Something else about Weight Watchers that gets me, they’ve become worse than Walt Disney at trying to squeeze every dime they possibly can out of a guy. First, they charge you to join. Then they take $12 a week for the privilege of weighing in and listening to their formerly fat instructor cheer on the group. But, that’s just the beginning. They sell candy and pastries and smoothies. They sell measuring cups that are better than the measuring cups that fat people use because they have the Weight Watchers logo on the side. They sell pedometers and they sell books, lots of books. They’ll even sell you a password to a secret Weight Watchers Internet site, where you can spend time with virtual fat people. The Weight Watchers program is so effective that I lost two pounds in my wallet on my first visit.
But, hey, I’m losing weight. I feel great. As you can tell, even my disposition is better. And, come to think of it, fat women aren’t all that bad – in little doses. This time I’m going to get back to my original weight – 6 pounds, 13 ounces. And this time, I really, really, really, really mean it.