I've Already Used Every Applicable Pun I Know

You know, in all seriousness, I think Richmond's Mayor, Governor Doug Wilder has become obsessed with this Maymont bear thing. Rumor has it that he spent weeks roaming the forests of Western Virginia (not to be confused with West Virginia) looking for an orphan bear. I don't think I'd recognize an orphan bear if I saw one. I surely would not wait around to see if Papa and Mama Bear are anywhere around. But, then that's why he's the mayor.
But Wilder isn't content with just bagging (so to speak) a bear, he now is totally immersed in a contest to name the bear. I have some ideas on that. And, no, I'm not suggesting Dougie as a name.
I think there are ways to combine that cutesy, friendly bear name with a warning to parents who visit the park that you don't want to let your child get in the cage with the bear. So, how about Bobby, The Baby-Biting Bear? What would be cool is to get a baby doll, dismember it (fun in itself), and take pictures of the bear cub with arms and legs sticking out of its mouth. Post those pictures all around the cage and chances are slim that Junior is going to try and pet Bobby.
You could smear a blood-like substance on the bear's mouth and teeth. It should be totally non-toxic. We definitely don't want to take a chance of causing Bobby any harm. But wait till the kiddies get a look at Bobby's blood-stained face. Nothing says "Hey kids, keep your distance," like sheer terror.
Another idea (and don't worry, I have thousands) would pay honor to the mayor and, at the same time, send a subliminal message that this bear may be worse than the one that devoured the little kid a few months ago. Why not name the new bear "Woody, the Wilder Bear"? You get it? Clever, huh?
Or, what about Maimer, the Maymont bear? It's not as friendly as Bobby or Woody but it still sends a message. I'm not in favor of scaring little kids just for the fun element. But, in line with Wilder's love for bears, a name that conjures up the idea of danger will, in the long run, protect our little cub from suffering the same fate as the previous two bears.
I think you can tell I have a deep love for our animal friends. I was heartsick yesterday when I spotted a dead deer cub alongside I-64. It was like a Bambi cartoon gone terribly awry. With my years of entering the "Draw Blinky" matchbook artists' school application, I couldn't help but pull over and try and draw a picture of the expired deer. I still can't get the nose just right, but I'm trying.
I've never been accepted in that "Deer-Drawers Artist School." And that hurts. But, this blog is not about me. It's about my love for animals. I'm no Doug Wilder, but I do care. But enough for now, my wife is fixing me venison and eggs for breakfast, and I'm famished.