STEVE COOK'S DISAPPEARANCE - DAY ONE

Hello. This is staff writer, Felipe Schwartz, of West End's Best Magazine. I've been asked to fill in while Steve Cook is missing. As you may know,in a shameless effort to increase web traffic, Cook has disappeared a la Oops the Mill Mountain monkey. When last seen, he was heading into Richmond's Fan district with some sort of a monkey on his back.
To be perfectly honest, I am not sure what I should be writing about here. I generally cover the fashion beat for Richmond's West End. I could tell you that when last seen, Steve Cook was wearing green and orange plaid trousers, similar to those seen on many of the West End's most fashionable golf courses, such as Patterson Mini-Golf, and the Two-Buckets-For-A-Buck Driving Range. There's something about golfing and loud, gaudy pants that just seem to naturally go together. And, I'm not exactly sure what that attraction is. I mean, I could understand such attire in a bowling alley. Bright plaid pants work well with the stylish bowling shoes which can be rented for about ten bucks a pair these days. Speaking of which, have you ever been tempted to stick one of those rented bowling shoes up to your nose and whiff it prior to putting it on? Well, take it from someone who has, don't do it.
I'm not exactly sure what those bowling alleys do that they call cleaning their rental shoes, but descenting or rescenting must not be part of the package. Regardless of smell, those multi-colored bowling shoes make a fashion statement. Look for a future fashion feature in our magazine in which we pair the plaid polyester-blend pants with the bowling shoes. Making the combo work is not as easy as many of you may think. In fact, my advise, as a professional in what I like to call the fashion arena, is don't try this at home.
Steve, as I was saying, was wearing the plaid pants when last seen. To complement the trousers he had a black and white checked flannel shirt. So, I'm thinking he would not be so hard to spot. Steve, it would appear, has finally hit what we in the fashion industry refer to as that really lousy old man stage in life. You know, the age when men Steve's age just reach in the closet and pick out any two items and put them on. He's been known to come to work wearing Bermuda shorts...as a shirt. At least, unlike most of the shirts he wears, there were no food stains on the shorts.
As a fashion guru, so to speak, I notice the little things, and one thing I've noticed is that Steve is one sloppy guy. He spills so much food throughout the day, that he has to hang his clothes in the refrigerator at night. As a word of advice, if you should spot Steve, don't go to lunch with him. It's a disgusting sight. He's one of those guys who talks while he eats. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that at company luncheons, I wear a sneeze-guard if I'm sitting anywhere near him.
If you live anywhere near the Fan,m and if you should see Steve, check his collar. He's wearing a name tag with our phone number. I have to be honest though, his disappearance is a rather welcome event for many of us here in the office. But, please give us a call if you see him. We would like to get the monkey back.