What Richmond Really Needs

I think I know what Richmond needs to take this area to the next level...to take us to that point where people are saying, "Richmond is better than Charlotte."
After all, isn't that what we all want? Everytime someone puts our fair city down, they compare it with Charlotte. I've only been to Charlotte a couple of times, but evidently, I missed something, because to hear virtually everyone else in Richmond tell it, Charlotte is the nirvanna of southern U.S. cities.
Anyway, here's what we need. A mascot. Cool idea, huh?
Think about how big mascots are these days. Why the Diamond Duck, mascot for the Richmond Braves ball club, draws dozens of excited fans to the Diamond regularly.
I think my mascot, whichever one I decide upon, could be sold to the city as a way of Charlottizing us.
I've come up with several ideas, inasmuch as the metro area is so fragmented and segregated. I've even written scripts for those who wish to audition. So, if you want to take a chance on becoming the biggest thing to hit this city since Chuck Richardson, rehearse one of these scripts, give me a call, and we'll do lunch, or something.
Here are the scripts for various possible mascots:

ARTIE
Hi, I'm Artie the Artist Renderings. I'm here to show you just what Richmond might have been if my renderings had ever gotten off the drawing board. See this one. It's the Performing Arts Center. Neat. Of course, it's just a hole in the ground now, but if the city had given me a chance, we could have gone places. And look at this rendering. Yep, it's the Shockoe Bottom ball park. You can almost hear the crowds cheering. But listen again, boys and girls. What do you hear down there now. Just drunks vomiting on the hallowed grounds following a night of barhopping. Well, at least we have our dreams, and I'm the mascot of those broken dreams. Stick around, you never know what I'll have to show you next.

PHOENIX
Hi, I'm Phoenix the bear, the wonderful, wonderful bear. I live in Maymont Park, one of Richmond's many beautiful parks. As Richmond's official mascot, my job is to greet you, to make you feel welcome, to perhaps tell you about the many things that make Richmond such a wonderful place to live. Of course, I'm a bear. What do I really know about parks? I think I'll go back to doing what I do best. I do live in the woods you know. Oh yeah, even though I've been named Phoenix, and people tend to view me as a furry but friendly mascot, I will tear your child from limb to limb as I hungrily devour him. Just a warning.

WINDSOR
Hello. My name is Windsor Farm. I don't imagine I need to elaborate as to what portion of the city I represent. Notice my silk smoking jacket. It's a gift from my wife, McDonald Hadda. We truly relish the prestigious lifestyle we enjoy here in the western portion of the city. My part-time position as Richmond's mascot, is not born of necessity, just a little something I dabble in while McDonald tends to her many social activities. I'm not really here to welcome you, as much as to simply let you know that I enjoy a lifestyle which about 98% of my fellow Richmonders could not even dream of. However, please keep in mind that we are very Richmond here, although, I will issue a fair warning. If you're not of our kind (and I think you know what I mean), don't even think of driving through our community, or we may be required to notify the appropriate law enforcement agencies. The only exception, of course, is if you're one of our hired domestics. But, please enter through the rear door of our palatial abode.
Well, I must scurry. Please enjoy your visit to Richmond, but remember my home is not a tourist attraction. Just keep moving.

DIAMOND DUCK
Hi. Remember me? I'm still at the Diamond for every R-Braves home game, although you no longer come. I'm not the brightest duck in the pond, but I see the handwriting on the wall. I suspect I'll soon be out of a job. And, I heard you folks were looking for a mascot. Hey, I'm a talented duck, and versatile. I can change my name to Byrd Park Duck, if you like. Or, how about Here Comes a Bullet...Duck!
Just a little duck humor. It's true. I am somewhat of a wisequacker. But anyway, when you're selecting a mascot for the city, you could do worse than a duck. Hold on one minute. What's that bear doing coming this way? Who let that moron Phoenix in here. You idiots. He's a bear. I'm outta here.