Plenty of Nothing

My mind is like a blank screen, a notebook with nary a single letter entered on a page. That might be nice if I didn't have to write a column. See, the truth is, nothing is coming to mind. I'm drawing blanks this morning. I'm not particularly upset about anything. Or the things that I am upset about are subjects I will never try to get a laugh out of.
So, I'm in somewhat of a quandry. I guess I could complain about cell phone voice messages. You know, when the automated voice starts giving you options. "If you want to leave a phone number, press star. If you want to send a fax, push pound. If you don't really have anything important to say, press pound and star together. If you want to send an email, press 1, and think about why you didn't just do that in the first place." Finally, after about three minutes of options, you get a beep to leave a message. But, complaints about voice messaging have been over done. I won't even bring it up.
I could mention that I bought some shampoo in one of those dollar stores. It said right on the bottle, "Great for dandruff." And boy were they right. I have more dandruff than ever. But, that's too disgusting a topic, so let's leave that alone.
Oh yeah, there is one little matter I've been wanting to bring up. It has to do with the comments I get on these little daily pieces. I like the comments. Admittedly, some of you out there have some serious mental issues. But, I think you already recognize that. I'm hoping you'll get the help you need. Regardless, don't stop commenting. The only thing that I don't like is that most of you just use "anonymous." Hey, you don't have to give me your name, address, phone number, and social security information, but can't you at least make up a name that let's me get to know you a little better?
For instance, if you're a dog lover, you could sign yourself "Mentally unbalanced." That's just a little inside joke. I don't mean it. But use a nickname of some sort.
I heard something on the radio yesterday about nicknames. According to some new book on names, people who use nicknames are viewed by others as being friendlier, more approachable. Maybe that's why no one likes me. I don't have a really cool nickname. Some people say "Steve" is a nickname. To that I reply, that's stupid. "Steve" is a shortened version of my name, Herbert. But it's not a nickname.
I need a good nickname. From now on, could you refer to me by my new nickname - Buster. Or, should it be Sluggo. I always liked Sluggo in the Nancy comic strip. No, wait, how about Steve-arino? That kind of says my name, but also says "Steve is a friendly approachable guy" at the same time.
Maybe I should have a nickname that tells you a little about myself. What do you think of Big Boy? No, that reminds me of that freakish statue that used to be outside Shoney's. That kid really let himself go.
Speaking of kids letting themselves go, whatever happened to Jared on Subway. Now they have John Lovitz. He's really one over-the-hill has been. I bet Jared let himself go. I bet he went off the Subway wagon and is now blimping out. Or else, the Subway diet finally killed him. But that's just my guess.
Anyway, I still haven't come up with anything to write about. So until I do, this is Buster Cook saying, "Good Day!"