Talking Dirty

You know, it was traumatic enough when they (they being the ones who do all the surveys and tests and what not) told us that the candy in the dish by the cash register in restaurants has been tested positive to contain the bacteria or whatever in human urine. I think it's downright cruel for someone to give any kind of candy such a bad name, but, hey, if them's the facts, what can I say.
But then "they" tested the ice in the cups at the fast food restaurants and told us it had more bacteria than the water in the toilets in those same restaurants. You could have gagged me with a spoon on that one. Again, I have to wonder why someone is doing this to me. Can't people just leave well enough alone...even when well enough is pretty disgusting?
But, now "they" have gone too far. I guess you've heard the latest report. They say that in tests, a cell phone is filthier than the toilet seat in public restrooms.
My first reaction is why "they" are so interested in public restrooms. Talk about dead end jobs, how would you like to be the tester?
But, back to the issue at hand - filth. They tell us that cell phones are dirtier than toilet seats. But do "they" really believe that themselves. I'd like to take one of "them" and hold him or her at gunpoint (if I could borrow someone's gun), and give them a choice - either lick your cell phone or lick the toilet seat.
Then let them put their tongue where their mouth is or something like that. Maybe on a micro-biological level cell phones are dirtier than toilet seats, but I do know what no one has ever been allowed to do on or around my cell phone and the same can't be said of the toilets.
Maybe if there were some sort of law passed that all bacteria had to glow orange, then we'd be more disgusted, but until we can see it, I don't think "they" are really having any long term impact on our habits. I still grab a handful of the pee-mints when I leave the restaurant. Why, I'll even grab a toothpick that's already lying in the cradle of those high tech toothpick dispensers.
I still eat ice. I chew it with glee. But, I will never be tempted to freeze toilet water and chew on it. Call me old fashioned, but I won't. And, I'll still go on holding my cell phone to my face. And that's not just because I know it's only my bacteria on it. If I had a toilet seat that no one had ever used but me, I wouldn't hold it to my face. Although I will admit to doing something that some people might think strange behavior. If I buy a brand new (not used) toilet seat, wrapped in a plastic protective coating, once I unwrap it, I'll lick it because I know that's the only time I could ever lick a toilet seat. I do the same thing with the soles of a new pair of shoes.
I'm supposing everyone does that. I am right, aren't I?
So, I guess, in retrospect, this new report has helped me. From now on, when I get a brand new cell phone, first thing I'm going to do, is lick it.