When You Absolutely, Positively Don't Need It

Well, today is a big day for Advertising Concepts - the parent company of our two magazines. We’re participating in a media show at the Richmond Convention Center. We have worked for months to produce a (we feel) top-notch exhibit.
We ordered a custom-made Plinko game, because nothing says “buy advertising from us” like a good game of Plinko. Everyone in the office has been on a Plinko-high, just anticipating the arrival of our Plinko game.
But, alas, thanks to FedEx, it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. They’ve lost it. They won’t say so. It’s just been on their truck here in Richmond since Friday morning, but they can’t get in touch with their driver. I think I’d call 9-1-1 if I were they, but, they seem about as concerned about their driver as they are about our Plinko game.
One thing FedEx does well is apologize. But, after speaking with about a dozen FedEx employees, I’ve learned to translate. When they say, “I’m sorry,” they mean, “I’m not the least bit sorry.” When they say, “I’m very sorry,” they mean, “Hey, I’ll say ‘I’m sorry’ again if that makes you feel better, but I couldn’t care less.”
But, when you finally reach a customer advocate, you’ve reached the creme de la crap. They’ll tell you, “I certainly apologize for that,” which means, “Evidently saying ‘I’m sorry’ wasn’t enough to get you to go away.”
Of course, not all of their people are so well trained. There’s this guy named Patrick who is some sort of supervisor in the Richmond depot (a French word that means “place where you lose things"). Patrick told me that I shouldn’t be mad at him because he hadn’t personally done anyway with my package. That was comforting. It’s nice to know that FedEx has so many truly dedicated company people.
There were nicer people than Patrick. Take Lizzie, for instance. She’s an advocate. She promised to stay on top of things and call me back as soon as the Richmond office could get in touch with their missing delivery guy. So far, I’m waiting to hear from Lizzie. Maybe she’s missing too.
Here’s the world’s largest (I’m just guessing on this) delivery company and not only do they lose packages, they lose people. They advertise “the world on time.” Too bad Richmond isn’t part of their little world.
So anyway, we’re Plinko-less. Now, our salespeople might actually have to talk to visitors to our booth, rather than just play games with them.
Whatever, we have a boat-load of prizes to give away. I suggested we play Pin the Brain on the FedEx Guy, but no one liked that idea.Not grounded in reality, I guess. So, tell you what...come on down to the Richmond Convention Center. The show is free and runs from 11 this morning until 5 tonight. Just ask me about our Plinko and I’ll give you a prize. One little caveat. I’m heading out to FedEx right now. So, this might be the last you’ll ever hear of me.