It’s Monday night. I’m about ready to turn in for the night. Tomorrow is the worst day of the year. If I had the ability to put myself in hibernation mode and go to sleep tonight and not wake up until Wednesday morning, I’d do so.
Tomorrow, if I go into the bank, my financial matters will be cared for by a witch. If I go to the doctor’s office, the nurse will be a pirate, and, the doctor may well be Satan the Devil himself. The folks down at the DMV especially make a big to do about the day. They actually will go to work disguised as intelligent people.
Not to mention that about one fourth of all the males in many offices around town will be dressed like women. Earl “Gloria” Schmep, president of the NAACD, The National Association for the Advancement of Cross Dressers, says Halloween is the most glorious day of the year. It certainly is a day that cross dressers can spread their wings and fly. I just wish so many of them weren’t flying right into me.
If there were one argument to be made to prove that human brains were being taken over by alien life forces, it would be Halloween. It’s the day (night) when normally semi-sane people think it’s quite alright to have fake blood dripping from their mouths as they take my order at Burger King. Hey, I don’t care if it is fake blood, keep your drool out of my fries. Oh, that’s right. It’s Halloween. Anything goes.
For 364 days a year (365 during leap year) parents tell their kids not to play in the street, to be home before dark, and not to take candy from strangers. But, on Halloween, all these rules fly out the window. Not only is it fine and dandy to play in the streets after dark, and to go to the homes of strangers, and then, later, devour anything those strangers may choose to drop into your bag, but it’s perfectly fine to be wearing dark clothing and a mask. It’s a field day for serial hit and run drivers. And, if Johnny doesn’t make it home in one piece, oh well, it is, after all, Halloween.
I hate Halloween. I hate everything about it. When I was a child, I was not especially religious. Well, I was more religious than the rest of my family. I used to lay my hands on the TV, hoping that Oral Roberts could clear up my sinuses. Yes, even as a child I was a hypochondriac. Anyway, my family really wasn’t a churchgoing family. But, I remember going to church on Halloween. They had candy and punch and ice cream and witches and ghosts and even a fortune teller.
It’s like the preacher and the deacons got together and made a list of all the ungodly things they could do in the church. And then they invited all of the kids into the church to do them. Somehow, I can’t picture Jesus dressed in a skeleton costume giving the sermon on the mount. But, maybe I just lack a good imagination.
Now, the truth is many men of the cloth have never met a pagan festival they didn’t take a shine to, but Halloween is just so blatant. I am baffled how anyone could not find it offensive. If you see your preacher tomorrow, why don’t you ask him what he thinks about Halloween. By the way, he’ll be the one dressed like a stripper.
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10 comments:
As a french fry connoisseur, let me tell you. Fake blood and drool could only be an improvement to what Burger King calls french fries.
On the other hand, maybe those are the "freedom fries" some were blabbing about a few years ago. As in, "think and do what we tell you or we'll rename a food that wasn't even invented in your borders".
Yep, Burger King's should call them freedom fries. As in: Free of taste. The slogan could be, "Why be enslaved to what taste good?"
Me thinks someone has been jilted by the big-headed Burger King king. I must say, Anonymous, you don't wear resentment well.
His burgers are okay, but he's no king. You could say, when it comes to burgers, I know where to experience real ROYalty...
Here I try to do a thoughful piece on Halloween, and all you people can think of are hamburgers. And what's worse, now you have me thinking of a Roy's Big Burger. I don't have time to go get one, so I guess I'll have to do the next best thing and go eat a can of Crisco.
My family was never a "Church going" family either. They still aren't, praise the Lord! Halloween was just never something we could wrap our minds around!
But I DO have a spiritual feeling about a Roy's What A Burger!
aoh
You mean your family didn't haul you into church? If you believe in Roy's, I want you to say "Yaaesss!, I Believe."
Yaaesss! I Believe!!!
Amen, brother, to your little tribute to Roy's.
I also find it strange that the churches embrace such a blatantly pagan holiday. When I was out and about Saturday, I passed by several churches where they had a big pumpkin-selling business going on. One even had a cutesy sign "Honk if you love pumpkins." Makes me sick.
Old Short Pump Crone
I love pumpkins. Always have. It's just the jack-o-lanterns I don't like. Pumpkins are just naturally cute. :o) Little round happy veggies......full of vitamins......haha
I remember once, years ago, trying to escape the evil clutches of Halloween, going to a local pizza place with a few friends, and being waited on by a zombie lady. Ugh!
Thanks for a great blog! (What is a blog, anyway? I'm not 100% computer literate.) Darby
Okay, I was forcefully subjected to converstation in a store on Halloween which filled me with so much rage that I had to laugh and walk away. The lady said that her preacher recently said in his sermon that in order to beleive in God, one had to beleive in the Devil and those that dressed up for Halloween were inviting evil into their lives. GIVE ME A BREAK!!! Is this the most absurd thing I have ever heard? Probably. This is just plain stupid! I think she is a member of a cult and doesn't know it yet! Just drink the Koolaid dear, God is waiting. Now, there are several historical accounts for the meaning of Halloween. I am sure I am not introducing anything new when I tell you that one of those accounts say that evil spirits come out on Halloween and if you dress like them, you will be in disguise and they will not find you, thus not possessing your spirit with evil. Hmmmmm, big contradiction to the sermon. Anyway, the point is, let's not be stupid about one day. Perhaps Halloween is the day you get to be anything you want for that one day. Perhaps you want to be a crazy ax murderer, but not really, so dress up like one for Halloween. What is the harm in that? Or perhaps, you are so very nice every single day of the year, and are really tired of being such a pushover. For Halloween, you can make an exception and be a WITCH!
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