Monday, February 12, 2007

That's Mighty Big of Me

I had an epiphany the other night, as I was enjoying my third, or maybe fourth, petite filon wrapped in bacon at the local Golden Corral. It dawned on me as I ruminated on a succulent morsel of meat, reflecting on the many nuances in the tastes of Golden Corral cuisine, that most of the people there, in fact, virtually everyone, except me, were morbidly obese. Now, I don't know exactly at what point a person officially becomes morbidly obese, but when a person looks hideous, I think it's proper to call them morbidly obese.
As I sat and stared, maybe even glared, at these monstrosities of humans, most of whom apparently feel most comfortable wearing bib overalls, it hit me like a bolt out of the blue...humans are changing.
If I was one who believed in evolution, I might even think we were evolving into a new lifeform...a lifeform that has a voracious appetite accompanied by a very slow metabolism. If I believed in evolution, and if I were the scientist allowed to name new lifeforms, I'd call this new human sub-species, Abdomenabominable Slowman Species, or AS for short (scared you, didn't I?)
Anyway, it seems to me that probably through some sort of genetic mutation, rather than evolution, humans are becoming more and more obese.
And, I for one, intend to do something about it. I intend to milk this phenomenon for all it's worth. Let's make money off of these AS people. I've been trying to think of ways to do just that.
I am not a fashion designer. I know nothing of ergonomics, and medicine is not my strong suit. The one thing I know how to do is write.
So, as my way of capitalizing on the new wave of fat, I'm going to begin writing a soap opera for fat people. So often, thin, or otherwise normal people, tend to think that even those of us who are only grossly obese, are not romantic...have no sex appeal. Now, we fat people know that is not true. But, try and convince the entertainment industry of that. For instance, when was the last time you saw really fat people play the romantic leads in television shows or movies? Maybe never?
I'm going to start with a sweet little soap. But, I envision a day when there will be an entire network devoted to fat people.
Anyway, I'm at work now on my new daytime drama. I'm calling it The Folds Of Our Flesh.Catchy, don't you think?
Unfortunately, that's as far as I've gotten thus far. I've developed a bit of writer's block on this. And, so, I turn to all of you Anonymi out there. Surely, you can help me with character and plot development. I'd welcome any advice. Just be sure that all your characters are fat, and that food plays a large role in any plot.
Now, go to it. I think if we put our collective heads together, we're sitting on a goldmine here...or at least a good buffet.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think this blog is offensive to all the Abominable Snowmen out there. Yeti (as they prefer to be called) are relativly fit, feeding on non-yellow snow and the occasional mountain climber (at least, the climbers who yellow thier snow).

I'm sure one day the Abominable Snowmen will advance to the point of have buffets, full of bacon wrapped mountain climber and assorted snowcones. One day! Just not yeti...

Steve Cook said...

Okay, I'll say this one more time. ARE YOU LISTENING PEOPLE! I do not appreciate any Anonymous (or anyone else, for that matter) outshining me.
When you post comments that are funnier than my column, it does nothing to advance my job security around here.
What's next? Will you resort to just stealing my paycheck and cashing it?
I've got a wife and kids to support. When will you folks show some appreciation for that fact

Anonymous said...

Steve, what a ham you are!!!! Haha...snort, snort!

Actually I love the idea of a soap opera filled with overweight people and the name you suggested sounds might tasty.

I have a few suggestions for future spinoffs -- The Bold and the Bountiful...Days of Our Thighs...All My Dimples...As the Tummy Turns...oohh...gotta go - my stomach is growling!

Darby