I'm Baaack! (Sort of)

I've been rereading my columns over the last few days, and one word keeps coming to mind..."booorrrriing." To get the full effect, say "boring" in that cute little sing-songy voice. I've evidently been totally self-absorbed with my health. And, it's evidently much worse than I thought. I apparently have really been outside the loop the last few days, maybe even weeks, or months.
For instance, last night I was watching Jeopardy and one of the contestants told Alex that he was born in a country that no longer existed. I don't know what country I was thinking he might say he was born in, but when he told Alex he had been born in Czechoslovakia, you could have knocked me over with a feather.
My head started reeling, and, truth be told, it hasn't come to a complete stop yet. Czechoslovakia? It's gone? Where did it go? How could a country the size of Czechoslovakia just disappear and I never hear about it, unless, of course, my mind has been preoccupied with my pitiable physical state? I mean big countries like that just don't go "Poof, I'm gone." Do they?
It's got me questioning what else may have been going on in this big wide world which I like to call "Earth." Have other countries disappeared as well. I guess there's no chance Eastern Henrico is gone, is there?
What other major, earthshaking events have taken place over the past few months...events which I have been totally oblivious to? I'm hoping you can help me catch up. For instance, did they ever build that ballpark downtown? I think I had some sort of dream that Mayor Governor Wilder had found some vacant lot over an abandoned gas tank. I know that couldn't have actually taken place.
And, I also had a very disturbing dream about Dick Clark. Seems like he was about 150 years old, semi-comatose, and still doing that New Year's Eve show. Talk about medications playing tricks on your mind, I've had some real headbanging experiences as of late. I even imagined I was watching a TV show called, "Skating With the Celebrities." And, if I told you who one of the celebrities was, I know you'd have me committed. You remember that actor turned gunslinger, Todd...well, never mind, I feel foolish even telling you what tricks my sick little brain was playing on me.
You won't even believe what I imagined I heard Pat Robertson saying while I was in my health-obsessed, Lipitor-popping, stupor. Thankfully, I've snapped out of it. Thankfully, I'm once again a functioning human being in the real world...a world where logic reigns supreme.
I'm just glad that I've finally left my delusional self behind and am now back to my old self. I gotta call my wife and tell her the good news. You know my wife, don't you...Morgan Fairchild?