The Most Important Blog You'll Ever Read - Guaranteed!

Call me public spirited, if you will, but I like to take time out of my busy, exciting schedule, and give back to others. One way I do this is by devoting this space to matters of personal guidance, instruction, and direction. All of this I do on a voluntary basis, and without expecting any thanks whatsoever. That’s just who I am.
I like to call these little forays into helping others, my “How To” blogs. Today, for your mental edification, I offer “How To Lie.”
Gone are the good old days when we could get by with such simple lies as “The check’s in the mail,” or “My dog ate my homework.” Nope, most people are just too smart for an out-and-out, bold-faced lie. Believe me, I know this from personal experience.
We live in an age of enlightenment. You, and those to whom you wish to lie, are just too smart, too educated, too savvy to be fooled by the old lies. But, that doesn’t mean that lying can’t be done anymore. Perish that thought. Here are some rules for modern day lying:

1) Use statistics. You can make them up, but they have to sound real. Percentages are good, but to guarantee optimum success, always have a “point” in there. In other words, if you tell me that 50% of all people are liars, I’m not impressed. But, if you tell me that 61 point 2 % of all people are liars, you’ve got my attention. I’m thinking you are some sort of a brainiac to not only know, but to remember the exact figure.
2) Create an association to back you up, and ALWAYS include either the word, “National,” or “of America” in that association. I don’t know if there are any laws about fraudulently pretending to represent a non-existent association or not, so you may want to consult an attorney. They are experts when it comes to lying. They should be able to help you big-time. But, to illustrate, let’s say I wanted you to send me $5.00 to help me buy a car. How many of you would chip in? That’s what I thought. But, suppose I called you and said I represented the S. Cook Automobile Financing Association of America, and any donation you could offer would be appreciated? Huh? Gotcha, didn’t I? Well, hold on. Put your wallets away, it’s just me, lying.
3) Blame anything you do on a mental condition. Mental conditions are big right now. And, who knows, in all probability, you do have a mental condition; so technically, it’s not even a lie. For instance, you didn’t yell at your wife when dinner wasn’t ready on time because you’re a nasty, rotten human. You did it because you have been diagnosed with Sociopathetic Deprivation Disorder (or SDD), stemming from your mother not serving meals at regularly scheduled times when you were a child. I kid you not; your wife will be on her knees begging for forgiveness. I always find that if I can muster up a tear and maybe a slight whimper in my voice when I do this, it’s even more effective. But the whimper has to sound as if you’re trying to hold it back. Practice this alone, or into a tape recorder a few times before attempting to use it with your wife, or she’ll catch on and proceed to show you what a real sociopathetic deprivation disorder is all about.
4) Use the word “guarantee.” (Hint: pronounce it gar-own’ tee, like the late Cajun chef, Justin Wilson, and people will believe you even more because you’re just so cute) You don’t have to say what you will do if your word proves unreliable. You don’t promise to give money back or something equally stupid. You just guarantee it.
5) Fifth, and perhaps most important – Preface any subject, about which you are going to speak or write, with high praise for the intended recipient(s) of your balderdash. For instance, tell them they’re “too smart, too educated, too savvy to be duped”. This one works every time. I gar-own-tee it.