Don't Read This. Please!

I’ve come to a rather shocking conclusion. It’s taken me half a century to get to this point, but due to a series of experiences recently, I’ve been forced to conclude that reading is fundamentally dangerous.
If I were you, I wouldn’t even read this. But, in case you haven’t quite reached the same conclusion as I have, I’ll explain. Up until now, I’ve always been a rather avid reader. I love (or loved) reading.
I didn’t really get hooked on it until the first grade when I was introduced to Dick, Jane, and Sally, and let’s not forget Sally’s teddy bear, Tim (I think). My first textbook was “The New Here We Come and Go.” Talk about a good read, a real page-turner, if you will, that book had it all…suspense, intrigue, a warm close family, everything.
But, that was yesterday and yesterday’s gone. I came across a children’s book recently. It was right there on the shelf in the children’s section of a major book retailer. The title of the book was, “Daddy Has a New Roommate.” I’m sorry to inform you that “The New Here We Come and Go” has Come and Gone.
When I saw the title, my mind instantly jumped to a conclusion. But, I also concluded that I must just have a sick, twisted mind. So, I picked the book up mainly to assure myself that it wasn’t what I was thinking it was about. Guess what. It was exactly what I was thinking it was about.
Seems that in this story, written for third or fourth graders, Billy’s dad has moved out of the home and is now living with his new love. It’s not Dick and Jane anymore, kids. It’s Dick and Ed. Obviously the book is designed for kids who have a parent who has decided to come out of the closet.
The book glosses over the emotional trauma of parents splitting up. Even if one takes the Seinfeldian approach regarding homosexuality that “there’s nothing wrong with that,” isn’t there something wrong with a dad leaving his family so he can go have sex with someone else?
Based on the message of this book, the answer would be a resounding, “NO.” Not only is there nothing wrong with it, this book promotes the idea that it’s only natural to give in to those primal urges regardless of the implications. The last page of the heavily illustrated book shows the son sitting on the floor watching TV. Behind him, on the couch, are his dad and his dad’s male partner snuggled up with each other. Ah, young love. The perfect nuclear family, I guess. The text on the last page reads, “Mom says Dad is happy now. And, if Dad is happy, I’m happy.” If Dad is gay, are you gay, too?
What a heartwarming message. Do you see why I’m giving up on reading?
There are other valid reasons for concluding that reading is fundamentally dangerous. For instance, if all those Muslims never read the newspaper, they would never have seen those cartoons. All this rioting and murdering could have been avoided if they just had stopped reading. Wake up people.
I had been thinking about all these things recently, and had even been toying with the idea that reading might not be all that it’s cracked up to be, but what really drove the whole thing home was my recent visit to the Richmond Public Library’s main branch on Franklin Street. If you want a real wake-up call as to the dangers of reading, just visit the library.
I had always been under the assumption that reading bred success. But, based on my library visit, I’m not so sure. When I was there the other day, the only people (other than myself and the librarians) there were homeless people. They were sitting around reading newspapers and magazines. This may sound rude, but the stench was nauseating. These people were filthy, truly. And, they were all reading. Do you see my point? If reading led these people to become what they have become, then my advice is, “Stop reading!” Stop now before it’s too late.
I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten at the public library. And, I’m not making this up. There’s now a Richmond Sheriff’s office in the main lobby of the library. Reading has such a negative impact on folks, that just bringing readers together in a public place necessitates police protection.
So, please, listen to me. Make this the last thing you ever read. Stop reading today or it may be too late. If you’re so addicted to reading, and you can’t stop, and you wake up one day, lying in the gutter, and you find yourself homeless and dirty and wandering the public library, looking for something to give you some sort of temporary literary fix, just don’t come whining to me. And don’t even bother to write me a letter of complaint, because I assure you, I won’t be reading it.