"May I Have No More Food, Sir" or "Don't Be Gruel"

Congratulate me. This afternoon I succeeded in locating the worst restaurant in town, perhaps the worst in Virginia. The only problem is that I didn't realize just what a treasure I had found, until I'd already been seated and started eating.
The restaurant has been around for years, but the original owner retired and someone, who evidently hates both food and people, took it over.
I wonder what it would be like to be absolutely horrible at what you do, and yet you keep on doing it, perhaps even thinking you're doing it well. What? What's everyone looking at me for?
Anyway, I found myself in Richmond's East End this afternoon at lunchtime. I know, you're wondering how anyone could think so little of themselves to eat in Richmond's East End. But that's just the prejudices of you West Enders. The East End is a wonderful place, and despite the apprehension of many, it's a perfectly safe place to pass through, even at night...if you're a bullet.
But, I was in the mood for barbecue, and this restaurant used to serve pretty decent barbecue. The sign out front said they had a lunch buffet, and that sealed the deal. I went in.
The buffet, which was about $6.25 or so, consisted of relatively edible fried chicken, the dryest minced barbecue I've ever tasted in my life, mashed potatoes, corn, butter beans, cole slaw, and dinner rolls. Yep, you heard me correctly. That was it...nothing else.
Based on the way the food tasted, I guess it was a blessing in disguise that there weren't more items. As I mentioned the minced barbecue was exceptionally dry. It wasn't as dry as it was tasteless, but it was dry. The corn was fresh out of a can, with that extra syrupy sweetness they sometimes add to really cheap canned corn. I don't eat butter beans so I can't tell you about them, and the cole slaw was typical commercially produced cole slaw.
But, I have to tell you about the mashed potatoes, or the pseudo-mashed potatoes. Have you ever taken styrofoam packing, perhaps out of a carton your new TV came in? And, then, taken that styrofoam packing and melted it down, and then served it to your family, or guests, for dinner? Well, the folks at that restaurant have done just that. And they call it mashed potatoes.
This white lump of horror tasted very much like plastic. No, in fairness to the plastics industry, I'll take that back. I've enjoyed better tasting plastic. I can't really describe the potato-like substance they served on the buffet. All in all, it was a rather unpleasant meal.
However, I guess as a shrewd marketing ploy, the restaurant succeeded in making the food seem good in comparison with the service. As a child,I never was abandoned by my parents, but I felt very much like Hansel and Gretel must have felt sitting in that restaurant. The hostess led me to my table, the waiter took my order, brought my flatware and ice water, and then abandoned me.
Somehow I lost my napkin, or perhaps when it touched the mashed potatoes it disintegrated. Anyway, I figured when the waiter came back, I'd just ask for a few extra napkins. I'm willing to bet that waiter hasn't returned to my table yet. I sat and sat and sat.
Since the chicken was edible, I peeled the skin off and ate the white meat, but my fingers became excessively greasy. I probably should have saved the chicken skin to lubricate my car, but I didn't think about that at the time. Ultimately, I was forced to start wiping my grease-encrusted fingers on the dinner roll, which was about the only thing the roll was good for.
After I had finished dining, I patiently waited another ten minutes or so, and finally gave up. I went to the register, told the lady what I had eaten, and she rang me up. I then high-tailed it out of the restaurant, spent about five minutes gagging out in the parking lot, and then went on my way.
Because I'm such a nice guy, I won't mention the name of the restaurant. It has been around for quite a while, and as I said, it used to be very good. But, since the original owner, whom I shall call Andy, retired, it's really taken a downhill turn.
But, you're on your own. I really won't mention the establishment by name, he said, AND HE didn't.