She's With Stupid and Stupid Would Be Me

I had an eye opening experience last night. I went shopping with my wife at the MacArthur Center in Norfolk. It's a beautiful mall or whatever the current, in vogue term is for shopping centers, but it's a little too swanky for my blood.
Our first stop was Nordstrom. That place is so high class I'm surprised they let me in there at all. And, with my inability to keep my mouth shut, I'm sure they won't let me in next time.
We were casually looking at women's clothing. Well, mainly my wife was, but I'd stop from time to time to look at an item. I saw this red sweater or coat. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but it was pretty. And, as I always do when shopping, I immediately reached for the price tag.
You wanna take a guess at how much this piece of clothing was selling for? Are you sitting down? The asking price was $1450.00. That's right. I gasped, and the saleslady mistook that for my expressing interest. She comes trotting right over. I'm guessing not too many people linger at that item, but I was too stunned to move.
"May I help you," she asks politely.
"Can you help me get my heart restarted?" I reply equally politely.
"He doesn't get out much," my wife tells the lady. Yeah, my wife is acting like she pays $1450 every day for a dress. I'm betting she was just as shocked, but women are better at pretending to know prices.
"I've never seen any article of clothing that cost over a thousand bucks," I tell them both. As I say, I really am not very good at keeping my mouth shut.
"Well this is a designer fashion," the saleslady says.
The designer must have been busy because there are about ten of the same coats on the rack.
"Besides this is made of magic fabric," the saleslady continues.
"I hope that means you can keep pulling gold coins out of the pocket," I say. I thought that was a pretty funny line, but I was the only one in our little group laughing.
My wife apologizes for me once again, which is a good thing, because I wasn't aware I had done anything that needed an apology. I guess I really don't get out that much.
Our next stop is the Aveda store. My wife beats me there, as I'm in need of a rest stop after leaving the magic dress. When I get into Aveda, my wife is already lathered up with about fifteen of their cremes and lotions.
"Would you go get me a cup of coffee?" she asks me when I wander in.
I'm so stupid, I start asking her what she wants in her coffee. It doesn't dawn on me until I go outside the Aveda store that she doesn't want coffee. She just doesn't want me to see how much she's buying.
So, I go back in and tell her I couldn't find a coffee shop. That much was true. By this time she's standing at the cash register.
"Oh," says, "why don't you go over there and see what sort of men's lotions they have.
I'm so stupid, I forget why she sent me away the first time and I go over to the men's stuff. As I'm standing there looking at lotions that I'd never in a million years use, it dawns on me again. This time I can't be sidetracked.
"I know what you're doing," I say wisely. "You don't want me to know how much you're spending."
She acts hurt. "No, not at all," she says. "I was buying you something as a surprise."
I'm so stupid I walk away again, so as not to spoil her surprise. It doesn't dawn on me until hours later, at home, as she's sitting on the bed moisturizing herself, that she never showed me my surprise.
"Hey," I say (still being stupid), "where's my surprise?"
She looks at me as if she has no idea what I'm talking about.
"My surprise. Remember, from Aveda," I say, still thinking there's a gift for me in the bag from which she has been pulling one lotion after another and applying to various locations - on her.
"Oh yeah," she says. She fumbles in the bag and pulls out some little sample pack the woman gave her. "Here, it's a foot lotion for you." She says it in such an excited manner...and I'm so stupid...that the next thing you know I'm gayly applying foot lotion on my feet.
Well, that was last night, and as I'm sitting here thinking about the matter, I'm beginning to realize that there never was a surprise for me in the bag. But, hey, at least there was no $1450.00 dress in there either.
I'm not that stupid.