The Suite Life

If you have never visited www.thesmokinggun.com, it's a site you might enjoy checking out. They do a couple of things which I find entertaining. One thing is their showing mugshots of the stars. If you ever get to feeling that you're just too ugly for words, you'll be much cheered to look at some of the "beautiful people" in their less beautiful moments.
But my favorite pages at thesmokinggun.com are those containing hotel riders for celebrities. These are demands the privileged few make when traveling. They've just posted riders for John and Teresa Heinz Kerry. You can check them out at http://www.thesmokinggun.com//archive/0327061kerry1.html.
Apparently the former Democratic candidate for the presidency loves to be able to watch the pay movies and wants to have access to such available at all times. He also demands bottled water to be on hand constantly. His wants seem spartan in comparison with those of his wife, who, among other things demands green bananas, filet mignon, stone crab, flax bread, and power peanut butter.
But, I'm not criticizing, mind you. Truth be known, I'm somewhat of a celebrity myself, with a blog that has been read by as many as 5 different people in one day. When I travel I have certain demands, and the motel staff just better meet them or they'll get a piece of my mind.
For instance, I will not stay in any motel that has not removed dead rats from the traps under the bed. I feel that if I'm paying $26.00 a night (or more sometimes), that I shouldn't have to dump the rats myself. I know, it sounds a bit haughty, but that's the way I am.
I also refuse to sleep in any bed that another guest is still occupying. I know I'm not royalty, but I need some alone time when I'm on the road.
There are some things I don't demand, but I've been known to whine when I don't have them. Magic Fingers on the bed is one of those things. I never take an overnight trip without taking along a pocketful of quarters. There's something so soothing about those vibrating beds. Plus, it usually forces the cockroaches off the bed and back into the tub.
I also enjoy a warm room, that's why I'm always on the lookout for a motel that advertises steam heat. Where's there steam, there's almost always heat. I like that.
Here's a little tip from a seasoned traveler who has come to expect only the best when spending the night away from home (that's me, in case you didn't figure that out): Always hold out (if possible) for a motel named the Cadillac. As you know Cadillac is the most prestigious name in autos, but what many don't know is that this generally holds true for a motel with the same moniker.
I've stayed in many a Cadillac Motel, from Maine to Florida, and I can attest to this. Virtually everyone of them has free TV, and most now have color TV. While I don't expect such luxuries, it's nice to veg out on the bed and watch color TV. It's a treat, and one of the reasons I enjoy staying in motels. It's also nice if the motel offers some sort of satellite dish.
At home, I'm usually the one who has to hold the rabbit ears in just the right position so that my wife can watch her favorite shows with minimal snow. And, at my house, that generally involves standing on one leg and leaning against the window, while holding a fork in my mouth. It really frosts my wife when I drop (or worse, swallow) the fork just at the crucial moments in the show. So, cable, color TV in a first class room at the Cadillac is something I really appreciate.
I tried to make sure that my celebrity status doesn't go to my head, but as I read this, I realize that, yes, just like the Kerrys, I probably am a little too demanding. But, hey, that's just one of the perks that comes with my fame. And, I'm going to keep on milking it.