Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I rarely fail to amaze myself. But, this time, I have somehow come up with an idea that’s so ahead of its time, so utterly fabulous, that I’ve had to step back and gaze with wonderment and awe at my brain. And, the truly marvelous thing about this is that it only took me about five minutes to conceive. It’s a project that, I’m sure, most of you in the Richmond area are going to embrace with great enthusisasm.
So, dear reader, fasten your seatbelts, and get read to take a rocket ship ride to glory. You, not unlike me, have probably been spending many sleepless nights lamenting our surprising failure to get the NASCAR Hall of Fame. We were this close.
But that’s yesterday’s news. I have an idea so fantastic that we’ll be thankful we’re not saddled with something as uninspired as that race car thing.
As I said I was feeling sad about losing out to Charlotte, which, in my opinion, is one of the most boring cities in America. I was blaming our loss on the fact that Richmond does some pretty stupid things. Then, like that proverbial bolt out of the blue, it hit me. Why get upset at our stupidity? Why not embrace it, celebrate it, if you will. I mean Lucille Ball made a fortune out of stupidity.
Other great cities promote the things for which they’re famous. Washington has its monuments. New York has Broadway. Boston, of course, has its baked beans. Why can’t Richmond be known as the Stupid City? Think about it. It’s brilliant, if I must say so myself.
So, here’s my big idea. We build a Stupid Museum to honor the asinine things for which this area has become so famous. I’m suggesting naming the museum after Richmond’s mayor, Governor Wilder. I mean if it’s a success he’s going to find some way to take over and name if after himself anyway. So, let’s save him the trouble.
I have some germs of ideas for what you’d find in the museum, but I certainly welcome your suggestions. I can see not only lifeless exhibits, but a host of interactive, hands-on stuff to do as well.
For starters, I’m suggesting the Chuck Richardson’s Public Servants Hall of Shame. (You notice the cute play on words – shame instead of fame? I thought that up myself) This could probably be a wax museum sort of thing with the crooked politicians in lifelike action-figure poses. In addition to the king of crooked politics, just think of all the others who could be depicted. Obviously the “Reverend” Gwen Hedgepath’s name comes to mind.
I also see some interactive things in this hall, such as a Stephen Johnson “Create Your Own Personal Ad” booth, and for you old timers, how about a Raymond Royal dunking booth. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go ask your parents or some other old person who has lived around here most of their life. And the Lane Ramsey Plane Ride Game could also provide hours of enjoyment for old and young alike.
I also think the museum should have an Artists’ Renderings That Never Got Built art museum. We could marvel at the Performing Arts Center and the Shockoe Bottom Ball Field. There probably should also be a section devoted to things that did get built, but never should have, such as the Sixth Street Bridge over Broad.
Or, how about a Philip Morris Dubious Do-Gooders Wing? Obviously this should be sponsored by the cigarette-manufacturer who spends millions to tell folks how bad cigarettes are for their health. They could use a large portion of the space to display used lungs, oxygen tanks, and other collateral materials left by dead smokers. As an aside, I just want to say how proud I am of the folks at Philip Morris. It's like they're doing just about everything humanly possible to stop people from smoking. I can't think of anything further they could do. Oh yeah, except manufacturing cigarettes. But, beyond that, I'm sure those fine folks are at wit's end trying to figure out how to stop this cigarette blight.
Now, I know you have your own ideas for the Mayor Governor Wilder Stupid Museum. There’s plenty of stupid in the area that I’m obviously overlooking.
But, the big question – are you with me on this? I’m going to do an artist’s rendering and take it to the next city council meeting. I think they'll be pretty impressed. I hope to see you there.