The Sweet Smell of Highway Robbery

In a few weeks I'm going to have to write an article for one of our magazines about some of the great banquet and catering places in town. I'm going to rave about how marvelous they are. In other words I'm going to be a hypocrite.
Who knows maybe I'll find a reputable place to rave about. But, chances are, I'm going to be gritting my teeth. Talk about a real racquet...the banquet and catering industry folks will stop at nothing to squeeze a buck out of their clients.
Here in the office, we're getting quotes for a private party. Now get this...a simple buffet costs $32.00 a person. Unbelieveable? Asanine? Yes, but as they said on the Titanic, that's only the tip of the iceberg.
Here's what they don't tell you until you get down to the real nitty gritty. On top of that $32.00 per person is an 18% service and coordination fee. In other words they charge you to sell it to you. That's kind of like Costco or Sam's Club. They charge you money to come in and spend money and then they frisk you on your way out to make sure you didn't steal anything. If they're concerned about theft, they ought to be frisking themselves.
Now, you may be thinking that that 18% is a tip, but, if so, why do they charge you another $75.00 an hour for a waitstaff, and another 75 per hour for a chef? And another $250.00 for a setup fee and so on?
That'd be like going to McDonalds and ordering the dollar hamburger and dollar fries...$2.00 right? Nope, because they'd add on another $2.50 for the counter person to stand there and get the order mixed up. Then there's be a $5.00 charge for the guy in the back by the ovens picking his nose...another dollar if you insist that he wear plastic gloves.
Then of course, there'd be about a .75 charge for a bag and another .75 for condiments. Throw in the tax, and my two buck meal now costs about $13.00. That's how ludicrous this whole catering thing is.
And people take it sitting down (of course to sit down there's a table and chair rental of $2.50 per person. I think the next time I use the services of a caterer, I'm going to take a gun along. Not to use it, just to have them hold it on me while I write the check.
How can some industries, particularly the hospitality industry get by with such outright price gouging. Who do these caterers think they are, oil companies?
Speaking of which, did you hear about the Exxon bigwig who got a $400 million retirement package? At first, I was pretty steamed at the guy, but then I heard the whole story. What he had asked for was free fill-ups for the next years. Exxon said they couldn't go that high. So, they compromised on the 400 mill.
I'm definitely in the wrong line of work. I gotta figure out some way to gouge those who read this blog. If you have any suggestions, please email me. Please include your credit card number and expiration date, as there will be a $15.00 consideration fee. Or, just send me the card number and expiration date, and I'll deduct $5.00 for not having to read your suggestions. Now that's a pretty good deal. Take it or leave it.