The Man Who Knew Too Much

Before I get into the matter at hand (conspiracy theories), I want to apologize if I sound just a trifle irritated today. I had a very traumatizing experience yesterday...perhaps one of the worst experiences of my life...well, maybe not. I went to McDonald's for lunch. No, wait, that was not the trauma, in itself. Here's what happened. I go in. There's a young, somewhat attractive girl behind the counter.
I order a dollar hamburger and a small diet cola. I can swing two bucks for lunch. Anyway, the girl smiles at me. I can tell she's digging me. I realize that I still must have it.
Well, the girl rings up the order. "That'll be $1.56," she says, kinda winking at me.
"Just $1.56," I exclaim, being the honest guy I am.
Hold on, here comes the trauma part. "I gave you the senior drink discount," she says pleasantly.
Okay, so maybe she's not digging me. I had not asked for the senior discount. What in the name of all that's good and right in the world could have prompted this young woman to imagine that I would qualify for a senior discount.
Initially, I was so stunned I was speechless. But, after a few seconds, I asked, "What's the age limit for seniors?"
I was hoping against hope that she would say it was around thirty-five or so. Instead, "I don't know," she answered. "I just thought you'd qualify."
I spent the afternoon pre-planning my funeral. I'm history. It was a good run. Well, it really hasn't been that good, but it was a run.
But enough about me. On to the really important stuff...conspiracy therories. I guess I've been living under a rock, but I did not know until yesterday that there are a bunch of wackos who honestly believe that the United States government is responsible for the 9-11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Some even believe that strategically placed detonation devices brought the twin towers down.
Really, how absurd can you be? These people believe that all of the airplane passengers who died that day have been hidden in a witness protection program and their families have been paid off to pretend their loved ones are dead and to never see them again. Gee, that really makes a lot of sense. I think if you waved some bucks under my nose I'd abandon my family for the rest of my life.
You know the government can't even keep a clandestine phone tapping operation secret. How in the world could they go five years and not one of the thousands of people involved in this conspiracy has ever spilled the beans? Do you know what most conspiracy theories are? Well, here's something kind of uncanny itself. The word "conspiracy" contains a secret message explaining what most of these theories amount to. Let's play a little anagram game to deciper the secret message hidden within the word "conspiracy." Take the word and eliminate the letters o, n, s, i, y, and the second c. Now, take the remaining letters and rearrange them to get your secret answer.
Now, while I don't believe in conspiracy theories in general, there is one I'm sure is real. There is a legitimate reason to believe that American Idol is rigged. Everyone knows (and I do mean everyone) that Elliott Yamin was the very best singer. Taylor looked like some twisted pathetic creature trying to do Joe Cocker the other night and that McFee girl imagines herself a brilliant song stylist.
Listen, even Frank Sinatra stank up the joint at times when he tried to do his own interpretation of a classic song. If you haven't heard his improv of Mrs. Robinson, you need to listen to it to know what I'm talking about. McFee did this horrendous Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Sure, I know the judges loved it, or so they said.
In reality, the judges are just pawns themselves in a conspiracy to take some prancing clown to the throne. Taylor is a parody of poor Las Vegas entertainers. Call him "Having a Good Time Taylor" all you want, or whatever it was that Randy Jackson was blathering the other night. He may be having fun, but that's mainly because he's in on the conspiracy.
Couldn't you tell that all of the judges had been drugged the other night? Come one people, does no one see this besides myself. Simon is being bribed by a coalition of aging Wayne Newton wannabes who are determined to catapault Taylor to the top. You had better listen to me before it is too late. I have researched this thoroughly, and while I am not allowed to reveal my sources, I can assure you that this thing has been rigged for quite some time.
In a legitimate competition, Elliott Yamin would have been declared the American Idol weeks ago. There is no competition. And, I'm not just saying this because I want to suck up to him in order to get an interview with him. Okay, maybe I am, but that's totally beside the point.
Next week, Taylor will be the American Idol. Next month, it will be Taylor who? In fact, it kinda already is because I can't think of his last name and I'm surely not going to take the time to look it up.
I think it's a total shame what's happening in the world today. Don't any of you out there feel the outrage that I'm feeling. Just think about it people. Think about what's happening. Can you imagine...offering me a senior discount?