Takes a Licking and Keeps on Licking

My wife and I are having a slight difference of opinion. I think I'm a pretty good husband. She can't stand the sight of me. No, just kidding. What we don't quite see eye to eye on has to do with our dogs...Sheddy and Poopy. I've changed the dogs name so that my wife won't know who I'm writing about.
I see dogs differently than does she. And I know that there are many of you pet lovers out there who will be totally in her corner. While you're there, how about helping to clean up the mess the dogs have made.
They're not bad dogs...I mean, they don't drink or smoke or curse. But, they're dogs. They have hair that falls off their bodies in great quantity. They love to lick, even though I've done or said nothing that could possibly give them the idea I was inviting their licks. And they love to jump in the bed...on me.
My wife finds this behavior perfectly acceptable. Although I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't look as favorably on me if my hair was all over the house, or if I went around licking her and anyone else that walks in the house. She does let me on the bed, but only after I've showered, and then she has to put a towel on the pillow so my wet head doesn't leave stains.
The two precious pups, however, can go right from drinking out of their porcelain water bowl in the bathroom to the bed, no questions asked. Where, I ask you, is the justice in that.
Now, keep in mind, I'm not criticizing my wife. I understand that there are many dog lovers and she's one of them. It's just that I'm not. And, no matter how much she might wish I were, it's just not in my makeup. Sometimes she'll ask me to say something nice to the dogs. I swear, I would, but I just don't know what dogs like to hear. If I tell them how pretty they are and how much I love them, I think they'll detect the insincerity in my voice. Dogs hate hypocrites, I'm told.
I try to like the dogs. Sometimes I'll even pat one of them on the head. But, how do they repay me? They lick me. Look, I'm just patting you on the head, that's all. That wet feel on my hand or, heaven forbid, face, is downright gross.
Dogs don't understand that. They take the least little display of affection as an invitation to bond...to form some sort of a relationship. I could walk in the room, kick the dog (which I never would), and then say, "Hey Poopy," and Poopy would come running as if we were long lost friends.
I guess there's something to be said for that sort of forgiving, accepting attitude. Maybe it would be nice if humans were so willing to offer their affection so unconditionally. Who knows, maybe the dogs will help me to be a kinder, gentler sort of guy. Maybe I'll be able to make a few friends, rather than keeping everyone at arm's length. I feel like going right out and making some friends right now. Who knows, maybe you and I could really bond. I'm ready for that. Just one request, even if you do find me somewhat likeable, please just don't lick me.