GREG: Hi, I’m Greg McQuake, local TV news anchor. I’m filling in for the missing Steve Cook and I just want to say right up front, I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. There are so many frightening things in the news and I thought I’d use this space to promote our morning news show and to let you know just how terrified I am. For starters, the weather scares me. Have you noticed just how hot it is? How hot will it get tomorrow? For the answer, tune in to our “I’m Scared as Heck” alerts each morning on our local news program.
JULIE: Excuse me, Greg. Hi, folks. I’m Julie Fearmonger, Greg’s capable co-host, and I just want to reiterate that this heat could kill you. In fact, probably most of you could die unless you tune into our early morning newscast.
GREG: Thanks, Julie, but I can handle this. It’s just a little-read blog, not our stellar early morning newscast. But, Julie’s right folks. If you don’t listen to our segment tomorrow morning dealing with staying cool through this killer heat wave, chances are you will be dead by this weekend.
JULIE: Enough with the weather, Greg. There are other things to be scared about.
GREG: Again, I can handle this, Julie. And, yes, there are other things going on in our fair city that scare me to death. For instance, have you heard about the ongoing search for a train that may be buried in a tunnel under a hill? Scary stuff. I mean if there’s one abandoned tunnel there could be millions of others. Could your house be ready to cave in on an abandoned tunnel? That would likely kill you, you know. Tune in tomorrow morning and I’ll have the answer.
JULIE: Now, you have me scared, Greg. In fact, every time I hear you do the news, I cringe.
GREG: Well, gee, thanks Julie. I guess you can stick around and help me do the blog. I am pretty good as an alarmist, aren’t I?
JULIE: The best I’ve ever worked with. Of course, my previous experience was working with Gene Cox. He wouldn’t get alarmed if his mouth were on fire.
GREG: Ha, Ha. Good one, Julie. But, we’ve gotten somewhat off-track here. There’s a bunch of other scary stuff in the news. For instance, there’s the warning from the NAACP, to stay out of Target Stores. I don’t know who this NAACP is but when they sound the alarm, this reporter is going to be listening. I wonder how close is too close to get to a Target store.
JULIE: You don’t know who the NAACP is, Greg? It’s the National Association of people who don’t like to be called Colored People. They’re urging blacks to boycott Target because Target didn’t fill out an NAACP-sponsored survey regarding diversity.
GREG: Oooh! I didn’t know that. Thanks for the background info, Julie. That tells me that surveys might be harmful to one’s health. Watch out folks. You may be confronted with a survey when you least expect it. Julie, maybe we can do a piece on tomorrow’s newscast providing our viewers with some helpful hints as how to protect themselves from surveys.
JULIE: Uh, yeah, right you are Greg. I’ll get on it, if you’d like.
GREG: There you have it, folks. You don’t want to miss our “I’m Scared as Heck” alerts on tomorrow’s news.
JULIE: By the way, Greg, I heard you say that Steve Cook is missing. I wonder if something terrible happened to him. Aren’t you terrified just thinking about it?
GREG: Nah.
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8 comments:
This reminded me of my mother -- she saw a potential fatality around every corner (probably not too different from most moms). She would think of the weirdest things (don't step on a rake; the handle could fly up and hit you in the face and knock your teeth out). Being blinded and dismemberment were also frequently stated anxieties (It's all fun and games until someone puts their eye out.
Anonymous, I have a long lost siamese twin sister. We were separated at birth and I haven't seen her since I was 2 days old. But, it sounds as if we might have the same mother.
Hmmmmmm, just wondering...
Well, we are related, but not so's you could tell by a DNA test...
well, now you have my curiosity aroused. I know you're not my wife. she never reads the crud i write. Hey, you're not Aunt Helga's milkman's nephew are you?
Puh-leeze, you don't have an Auntie Helga.
I'm a native of Short Pump from way back.
Joan H.
Hmmm, Joan H.? My siamese twin sister's name was Joan, I think. Or was it Carolyn. I never can remember. Check your left side. Do you have about a five foot scar?
Dang, so that's what that thing is.
Oh, and by the way, if it were Carolyn, your scar would be verrrry peculiar.
Well, that's the sort of comment that leaves me scratching my head. of course the psoriasis may have something to do with that, or is it seboreah, or is seboreah an intestinal thing that leaves a peculiar scar.
i get so confused about these things
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