My Ongoing Love Affair With Television News

Inasmuch as I'm still in the throes of terminal writer's block, and inasmuch as no one has stepped up to the plate to write my blog, I've decided to just paste the transcript to this morning's CBS early morning show...whatever they're calling it these days.

So, here goes:

ANNOUNCER: Good morning! This is Rita Emweep and there's a lot going on this morning in the Middle East. It's day 20 of continuous bombing. But first, this breaking story on Mel Gibson's run-in with the law. Standing by in California is our entertainment editor, Holly Wood. Good morning, Holly.

HOLLY: Good morning Rita. Yes, speculation abounds in the motion picture capital of the world as to Gibson's future in the industry. As you know, the aging actor was arrested for drunk driving Saturday night, and despite official police reports, it appears from the original report of the arresting officer that Gibson was downright rude.

RITA: Holly, any word on the rumor that despite official police reports, Gibson was downright rude to the arresting officer?

HOLLY: You couldn't be more correct, or observant, Rita. Gibson was rude. In fact, it was reported that Gibson made several anti-semitic comments. You may recall that when the Passion of the Christ was released, Gibson's ultra-conservative father publicly stated that much of the Holocaust was fictitious. So, many insiders here are thinking Gibson was affected by his father.

RITA: If I'm not mistaken, Holly, hasn't Gibson's father made some rather questionable comments himself?

HOLLY: I have no eartlhy idea what you're talking about, Rita.

RITA: Well, there you have it...straight from Holly Wood. On a more serious note, and before we get to the Mid-East crisis, we want to tell you about a problem that many are having to face this time of year, and that's swimmer's ear. For that, we go to our medical editor, Dr. Gene Pool. Hi Gene.

GENE: Hey, Rita. Right you are, Rita. Summertime, for some inexplicable reason seems to see a much higher incidence of swimmer's ear.

RITA: Let me interrupt you, Dr. Gene. Might it be because more people go swimming in the summer?

GENE: By George! You may have hit on something there, Rita. I can't wait to get back to that disease place in Georgia and bring that up.

RITA: You mean the Center for Disease Control?

GENE: What?

RITA: Are you talking about the Center for Disease Control, in Atlanta?

GENE: Well, I hadn't planned to. I was going to do a report on swimmer's ear. If I may?

RITA: I'm sorry, Dr. Gene, but we're getting a late breaking story in, so we're going to have to postpone your report, maybe til later in the fall if that's okay.

GENE: But, Rita...

RITA: Now, more on this late-breaking report. The crisis in the Middle East is escalating. Some have even speculated that we are on the verge of World War III. Or is that "3"? CBS, in anticipation of such a catastrophe has announced a major agreement with the McDonald's Corporation. For more on this, we go to our business editor, Dow Jones. Good morning Dow.

DOW: Rita, in an unprecedented agreement, CBS News and the McDonald's Corporation have announced a major agreement that McDonald's will be the exclusive sponsor, not only of World War III, but wars IV, V, and VI as well. And, while it has not been announced, rumor has it that the fast food chain will also be sponsoring the very end of the world itself.

RITA: Wow Dow! That is good news, especially for all of us at CBS. Will there be any merchandising tie-ins?

DOW: You can bet on that, Rita. While, I'm sure there'll be plenty of announcements to come, I have learned that already, McDonald's is introducing a transformer toy.

RITA: Cool, I always loved those. Is this something like a truck that turns into a tank or something like that.

DOW: Hey, that would be a good idea. I'll pass that along. But, actually, this is a missile that turns into a hamburger.

RITA: Let me see if I have this straight. You take a toy missile and turn it into a toy hamburger?

DOW: You're close, Rita. Actually, you take the toy missile and turn it into a real hamburger. In other words, after the kiddies are through playing with it, they can actually eat it. That'll stop mom from having to say, "Kids, stop playing with your food."

RITA: So, the missile is made of ground beef?

DOW: Heavens no! That would be somewhat disgusting, wouldn't it. Actually, the missile is made of a beef-flavored soft plastic material, the same material which McDonald's uses for their hamburgers now.

RITA: Thanks Dow. Another interesting report. Well, we were going to bring you the latest from the Middle East, but our time is up for this half-hour. We now go to your local afilliates so that the two anchors can try to emulate us here at CBS by engaging in clever repartee. In our next half-hour, we'll try to get to that Israel thing, but, beforre that, we will have a report on a cat with two faces. You don't want to miss that. Stick around.

LOCAL CUT-IN

GREG MCQUAKE: Did you hear that, Julie? A cat with two faces. Now, that's scary stuff.

JULIE: Sounds like you're a fraidy-cat, Greg.

SOUNDS OF LAUGHTER CONTINUED THROUGHOUT THE BALANCE OF THE LOCAL CUT-IN