The Emperor's New Theory

As you've perhaps been able to figure out, all my creative juices have been sapped by the summer sun. It's a good thing I still have my L'Occitaine Essential Water and Precious Fluid, or my face would be as withered as my brain.
It's not entirely my fault. After all, the state of Virginia has either fried or lethally injected the really interesting people over the past few weeks.
I have been doing a lot of serious thinking recently. WARNING: THIS MEANS THERE'S NO HUMOR CONTAINED IN THE FOLLOWING.
I've been thinking about how foolish the theory of evolution really is. I was pleased to read recently that in a survey, 80% of Americans beleive in a creator. So, those 100% of nature video narrators haven't made as many inroads as they may think they have.
I'm not the world's deepest thinker, but I really can't understand how anyone can believe everything happened by chance. I think the whole evolution movement is the ultimate application of the Emperor's New Clothing. You see, it's like this...someone comes up with the idea that given enough millenniums anything could come about by accident, which is pretty stupid when you think about it. I did experiment though. I tried to see how many car payments I could miss before my car payment got made by chance. That's why I'm now driving a 1994 Saturn. But, anyway, someone came up with this idea and whenever any reasonable person would say, "I don't see the logic in that," they would be told that only intelligent people saw the logic.
So, pretty soon, in order to appear intelligent a bunch of people started saying they saw the logic in evolution. However, in this little darwinian play I just laid out for you, I play the precious child who shrieks, "Hey, the evolution emperor is naked."
Now before you try to pit your mental prowess against mine, I simply ask you to consider two factors. I call them the "Two Main Reasons I Don't See the Logic In Evolution" factors.
Number 1 is eyebrows. I think eyebrows are a pretty good feature to have on your face. But, they're kind of like cupholders in the car. You don't really need them to drive the car. In fact, my 1994 Saturn has no cupholders, except for the recess between my two flabby thighs.
So, if evolution is true, we (meaning that ancestor pool we share with the primates) somewhere down the line, lost our fur but kept some hair. Why did nature choose to put hair over our eyes. I can see why a designer would do that. If you can't, then go pour some GatorAde in your eyes. But, it's not like the inferior life form is going to lose so many battles due to sweat in his eyes that the eyebrowed life form wins out.
In fact, if there were any female early forms of mostly human people, they would have spent so much time trying to pluck their eyebrows with two rocks that I'm betting the non-eyebrowed clan could have smeared them into oblivion.
The fact that there would almost have to be a female version of early man (early woman), brings me to factor number 2.
2) - Dating. Now, I'm not talking about Fred taking Wilma to the drive-in. I use the term dating somewhat euphemistically. What I'm really saying (wink wink nod nod) is that for the human race to happen (via evolution, this is) you'd have to have had a full human male come along at the same exact time as a full human female, if you see where I'm coming from.
You see, evolutionists are counting on having unlimited amounts of mythological years to throw at their problems. They even have convinced many that something that could never happen, could really happen in a million years, or if a million seems to paltry, let's make it a billion years...yeah, that's the ticket.
But, let's say this monkey gives birth to a little boy. (I may be a little over-simplistic here, but I think I'm pretty much on target) First thing, if I were a monkey who had this skin-covered baby, I'd probably eat it, or kill it or something. You sure don't want that ugly thing lying around the cave. But, let's humor the evolutionists. Let's say the monkey mom was the compassionate type. So, she convinces her husband to let the hideous little creature live. All is good. Except little human boy can't get a date. Well, it's not that he can't. He could "date" some of the other monkeys, but I'm betting they aren't attracted to him, maybe even vice versa.
In the real world of real people giving in to real urges, there would have to be some sort of human senior prom to keep the line going. That means Wilma would have to be born to another primate family just a few caves over, at the same time.
If Fred is born, in let's say 1,000,000 B.C. (just an aside, if evoution were true there'd be no need for "C" - think about that) and Wilma doesn't come along until 999,850, Fred is dead while Wilma wilts. I don't really know what I meant by that, but it sort of flowed. I think all in all there's sheer brilliance in my reasoning. My logic is fully clothed. It even has an overcoat on.
At least that's the way I see things. In fact, I'm so convinced that I'm right here, that I'm going to put my money where my mouth (really fingers) is (really are). I will give one thousand dollars in cash to the first person who can convince me that I'm an idiot. Any takers?
I thought not.