As A Matter Of Fact, It Is Hot Enough For Me

Well, I guess I’m just a wee bit embarrassed this morning. I’m sure there’s a dab of egg on my face, and, given the weather, it’s no doubt fried. My embarrassment stems from this whole weather situation we’re in.
I should be too chagrinned to talk about it, but you know me. Anyway, I was walking from my car, across the shopping center parking lot, to the local grocery store yesterday afternoon. I enjoy going in grocery stores in this weather. They’re always so cool.
But, as I was walking, I was thinking to myself that while I didn’t know what the actual temperature was, it felt like it had to be 101 degrees. So, while I’m in the store, I get to chatting with the cashier…about the weather, of course, because what else is there to talk about? She didn’t seem to care that much about Mel Gibson. And, I mention to the lady that it feels like 101 degrees.
“Oh no!” she corrects me. The heat index is 100. I heard that on the radio.”
I wanted to take one of those plastic grocery bags and put it over my head in shame. I probably would have had my mother not warned me many, many years ago that doing so could kill me.
Here I was speculating about the heat index. True, I really thought that it felt like 101 degrees to me, but boy was I ever wrong. It only felt like 100 degrees to me. That’s what the grocery lady was telling me and when I scurried back to my car and turned on the radio, Mac Watson was confirming what she had said.
How I long for the good old days prior to heat indices. Do you remember when you were younger, and for many of us that means BAC (Before Air Conditioning), and you got so hot on those summer days? There were little tricks you could play on yourself to make you feel cooler. I remember my mother telling me to think about being outside on a snowy day with no coat on and I’d feel cooler. Somehow, since the heat index had not yet been invented, her suggestion actually worked. I remember one particularly warm July afternoon when I took my mother’s advice so well that I actually got gangrene in my little finger. Ah, how I long for those times.
Now, you can’t pretend you feel comfortable because there’s that dag-blasted weatherman telling you how hot you feel. They tell me today I’m going to feel like it’s 110 degrees. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that hot before, and, frankly I’m worried.
For those of you who are not as knowledgeable about these meteorological terms as am I, let me explain. The heat index is the very opposite of the windshield factor. The windshield factor is what they use in the winter. What that means is that if you were riding down the road and your windshield wasn’t in, you’d feel a certain degree of coldness. The windshield factor, like its summer cousin, the heat index, was invented so that no matter how cold or hot we were, we’d feel even colder or hotter than we should have had to feel.
I guess it’s some sadistic form of government mind control. That’s the only way I can figure it out. I mean what real purpose does it serve to enforce the way we feel? I don’t think President Eisenhower would have allowed such a thing. He seemed like a nice old man. That’s about all I remember about him. But, he kind of reminded me of my grandfather, and I’m sure my grandfather would not have stood still for either the heat index or the windshield factor.
Anyway, I think I learned a valuable lesson yesterday in the grocery store. Maybe my horrifying experience will give you cause to pause before you start blathering on about the weather. If someone asks you if it’s hot enough for you, and believe you me they will, don’t say a word until you make sure you know what the heat index is. Take it from a man who has been there. It’s better just to keep your mouth shut.