You Could Die Tomorrow

I’m in pain as I write. I think if you knew the pain I was in, you’d step back and admire me admiringly. You’d be thinking, “What a trooper he is. How does he keep on typing when he is in such pain?”
I’ll answer that. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m hurting right now. It’s my own fault. I chose to put myself in harm’s way. No, I didn’t step in front of a speeding locomotive, or anything quite that drastic. And yet, on an emotional level, that’s exactly what I did.
I chose to watch that stupid ABC special tonight. It’s on right now, showing ways humans could be destroyed. I didn’t see it all, I started watching while they were doing this piece on gamma ray bursts. Ouch.
When they got to the part showing how your intestines would dry up, I was doubled over in pain. I would actually have been in better shape if I’d just gone somewhere and asked someone to kick me in the groin for 30 minutes or so.
Okay, they’ve gone to commercial. I’m beginning to feel a bit better. They’re showing a pizza commercial. I’m getting my appetite back. Whew, that was close.
Now, they’re talking about black holes. I’ve always been afraid of black holes, at least since I first heard about them, back in the seventies. I may have told you before, I’m very susceptible to the power of suggestion. Couple that with the fact that I worry about everything, and you have a very unhappy little TV viewer right now.
When I was a kid, I saw a TV show about deserts. For about two weeks, I’d pray every night when I went to bed that God wouldn’t let a desert come to Virginia. Talk about the power of prayer, eh?
Anyway, now they’re talking about what would happen if a black hole came rushing through the Milky Way. I wish they hadn’t mentioned Milky Way. Now I want chocolate.
The good thing about a black hole is that we’d evidently be given several days warning that we were about to die. Hold on. Did I say “good thing”? The more I look at this graphic representation, knowing that my life was about to be snuffed out doesn’t seem like such a good thing. Some wise guy scientist talks about it being fun at first. He says your body would start stretching. He says that would be a fun way to go. I think this guy must be some idiot they found at the bus station and stuck in front of a camera. I have a feeling that by the end of the show, this so-called scientist will be sitting in a padded room with his arms strapped around him.
They’ve been interviewing Stephen Hawking. Talk about being surprised. I’m sure he is the same guy who does the traffic reports for the state’s highway radio station. I think that’s just a pure waste of such a good mind.
Okay, they just announced that the earth will be struck by a meteorite on April 13, 2036. I plan to spend that day trying to remember my name. Please don’t interrupt me to tell me that I’m about to be destroyed.
Hey, I just realized that this is some sort of countdown...kind of like the top ten ways we could die. That’s just sick. Who’d ever do a countdown like this and not include Casey Kasem.
I’m gonna shut the TV off, grab a candy bar and go to bed. Have a good night.