Be My Guest

A couple of days ago, I invited guest columnist Becky Wright to throw her two cents worth in. Well, it looks as if I’ve opened up the floodgates. Now there are others insisting that I allow them to use this column as a forum to express themselves.
And, hey, being the sort of guy I am, I’m open to allowing others to use this space from time to time. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m doing today. Besides showing what a really cool person I am, it means I don’t have to do any thinking today. And, if you ask me, any day where I don’t have to use my brain adds another day at the end of my life. I’m not sure medical science agrees with me on that, but I am pretty sure I’m right. So, here, for your listening enjoyment is my very, very old friend, Lochru, the Druid. Lochru, if you will...

Thanks Steve. Hi everyone. If you don’t know me, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Lochru, a several centuries-old Druid who was found about a year ago, frozen at the bottom of Swift Creek Reservoir. Since my revivification, I’ve had a chance to observe your culture. This I have done mainly by watching television and listening to the radio. These are very entertaining. TV is great...such quality programming, but there are some things that have me just a little bit curious.

First of all, I’d love to meet that great humanitarian you folks are so blessed to have right here in your midst. I think he’s from around these parts. Of course, I speak of Phillip Morris. What a caring, giving gentleman Phillip Morris must be. From what I can discern, this man is spending his own money to run radio commercials begging people, especially young people, not to smoke. Personally, ever since I’ve been back, cigarettes have baffled me. Of all your strange, barbaric (if you will) customs, smoking cigarettes seems to be the most ridiculous.
And obviously, Phil Morris agrees with me. What a public-spirited citizen you have in this man. He’s a treasure. You folks need to take care of him.
I feel very strongly that if Mr. Morris had the funds, he’d actually go after those horrid people who manufacture the cigarettes. I can tell he would be the type who, if he could, would shut down cigarette production once and for all. But, folks, he’s just one man...one caring, sensitive man. Isn’t there something you out there in online column land could do to kind of pitch in and help him wipe cigarettes off the face of the earth? I can only imagine how delighted Phillip Morris would be if, in his lifetime, he could put an end to all cigarettes.

There’s something else that has me just a bit confused. It has to do with one of your gods. I’ve done some research and I’m not too clear on what must be a very localized god, but, at the same time, a powerful deity in your culture.
I speak of this god, Ukrops. The best I can figure, Ukrops must be some sort of weather god. Because every time a snow storm, or a tropical depression, or whatever approaches the city, minions of the citizens rush to Ukrops temples (and there are plenty of them) in what must be some sort of ritual designed to appease this god.
From what I can determine, Ukrops is both a kindly god as well as one who requires great sacrifice. I’ve heard many of you say that going to Ukrops cost you dearly, but, then you say it’s worth it. You say that he takes care of his people well. You rave about his temple workers, whom you say escort you to your automobiles when you leave the temple.
I’ve sat in the temple parking lot and observed. Obviously, these temple workers are very wise. At least they’re very old, and in my day, gray-headedness was a sign of wisdom. If that is so today, then Ukrops has some very wise escorters.
There is something about the worship of Ukrops that seems very strange. Back in my time, we’d take our produce to the temples and sacrifice it. You seem to bring the produce from Ukrops’ temple. Very interesting.
So far I’ve been reluctant to enter the temple. I did go to the entrance one day where I picked up a temple scroll called Style Weekly. It seems, just from reading the scroll, that many of Ukrops devotees are girly men. As we used to say in my day, “Lochru don’t swing that way.” So, I wasn’t sure if I was too manly, in a manful sort of way, to be allowed entry.
If you have any information, I’d appreciate hearing from you. Do you think I could go into one of Ukrops’ temples and come straight out, or come out straight?