Hey, it's Labor Day. You know what that means...the rich folks get time off to go to the stores and restaurants and watch us average guys work. I'm pretending I'm one of the rich today. My family and I are gathered around our beautifully decorated Labor Day tree, singing Labor Day carols, and drinking Egg Nog. Man, I love this time of year.
Anyway, if I were to write a column today, it would go against my very core beliefs, so I thought I'd pass along something I received in an email from a friend, Tom Orrick, in Alabama.
I don't usually pass the stuff I get in emails along. I'm figuring you don't need to know how to order Viagara from Canada, but this one is pretty good. I don't know who wrote it. I wouldn't think my friend came up with it himself, he's not that bright. But it contains a bunch of truisms about the movies. So, I'm going back to unwrapping my Labor Day presents, and seeing what Labor Claus left in the support hose hanging on the mantle. Hope you enjoy...
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their sons' eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
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7 comments:
I think your friend has potential! He appears to be quite bright and will most probably be contacting you for royalties.
It's so wise of you to surround yourself with superior intelligence! I am sure you both will be able to work out something agreeable to your souls!
The original Old Hag
It sounds like your friend has been watching some of the same movies I have. The last 2 comments seemed to be from "The Saint" with Val Kilmer. I only have one other comment to add to his list, and that is....Never turn your back on the bad guy once you think you've killed him. While are are distracted by calling for help, rescuing a child, etc., the bad guy will not be there when you turn back to look. He will either be about to do you in, or will have hidden himself in another part of the house, only to pounce on you when you try to escape. With these kind of movies, it seems like it's never over. They always want to make a sequel.
Darby
That is true Darby. And, I've found that no matter how loudly I yell at the screen, the idiots keep turning their backs on the bad guy.
Something else I hate is when the good humans finally kill the horrible monsters and then as the credits roll, you see monster eggs hidden behind a tree. It means that the problem is not really over and by the time I buy cokes and popcorn for my wife and myself it's going to cost me fifty bucks to see what happens to those eggs in Bad Monsters II.
And, just a quick aside to the Original Old Hag, are you doing PR for Alabama Bubba these days?
Alabama Bubba seems to be doing well on his own. Have YOU ever entertained the idea of hiring an agent?
I decided what you really need is a clerk, but multi-faceted, a 'Della Street' if you will, who would capture your thoughts, as they spilled upon the paper, into the appropriate files for future reference. Have you ever thought of a Cook Encyclopaedia? There would be room for the Toilet paper consideration, the Toothpaste ramblings including my personal favorite, the "Demi-squiggle".
The Original Old Hag
I had talked to a talent agent, but he handed me his card and pointed to the word "talent" and just shook his head.
I'd never thought about an encyclopedia, but I had toyed with the idea of a Cook book.
Cook book!!! Precious. I have a recipe for disaster in your book. Let your adult children live with you...
Sometimes the Old Hag has some good ideas, as much as I hate to have to admit it!!!
unglued
Now that I'm working in the movies and such.. I think I should be able to steal this for my own blog, ok??
Those were great fun to read.
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