I love giving advice. I especially like it when someone asks for my advice. But, even when they don’t (and they usually don’t), I still love giving it. The amazing thing about me is that I can give advice on subjects about which I know absolutely nothing.
You have a medical problem? Ask me what I would do. I’ll be glad to tell you in great detail what you should do.
Or, perhaps you’re facing a legal issue. Maybe your entire future is at stake. Come to me, or just write, if you prefer. I’ll tell you exactly what you should do. Now, I do offer this disclaimer, if you follow my advice and end up in jail, then that’s probably because you didn’t do exactly as I said.
But, whatever, the results of following my advice are not my responsibility. If you do go to jail, though, let me know. I think I have some neat ideas as to how to break out. I have not tested these, but still, I’m pretty sure, they’re good ideas.
If you take my advice and try to break out, and you end up getting shot as you make your escape, give me a call. I also have some ideas as to where you could go to have a bullet removed.
Or, better yet, come see me. I’m pretty sure I know how to remove a bullet. And I would love having the opportunity to experiment with my bullet-removal ideas.
I really wish the marketing folks at McDonald’s had come to me for advice before spending millions of dollars marketing a new product. They’re calling it a Snack Wrap. Looks good on paper, but if you’re listening to a radio ad, or hear it on TV (when you’re not actually looking at the screen), all you hear is that McDonald’s is now offering Snack Crap. Oh, if you people would just take my advice.
My whole point here is that I have ideas. My brain is like some non-stop sponge-like organ.
I’ve said all that as a way of explaining why I’m offering advice to aliens (more of the Martian than the Mexican variety) as to how to take over the world. This does not mean that I want an alien race to take over the world, but I think I have a pretty good idea of how to go about doing it.
If an alien came to me and asked what he should do to dominate Earth, the first thing I’d want to know is how much time does he have. I have a sure-fire plan but it would take about four generations (human life span) to get it done. So, if the alien didn’t have a lifespan of at least a couple hundred of our earth-years, it wouldn’t do him any good to listen to me.
But, since you’re here, reading this blog, I’m guessing I have your interest and you would like to know how to take over the world. I will share my secret, but I’m asking you not to try this at home.
Okay, here is my four-generation program for world domination.
First generation – fill with wars and economic hardship. Have this generation grow up knowing what it’s like to do without. Then, at about the age this generation starts to have children, bring about vastly improved living conditions.
Second generation – make this a generation that is given everything on a silver platter because their parents “don’t want my children to do without all the things I had to do without.” Create an environment where material things matter most…an environment where both parents feel they have to work, or want to work so as to get those things.
Third generation – is raised by the second generation. This generation should be almost completely abandoned, with the parents spending only a few minutes a week actually talking to and instructing their children. Of course, those few minutes would be quality time and really, isn’t that all that matters? The third generation should be spoon fed large doses of violent and/or immoral entertainment so that by the time they have kids, they’ll have absolutely no idea what real values are all about.
Fourth generation - Will grow up almost totally brain dead. At that point, the aliens can take over. The kids' parents won’t even notice. After that, it’s just a matter of the aliens doing as they please.
Now, this is just theory, of course. I’m not promising any of you aliens out there that it will work. But, I feel pretty confident there’s some usable stuff in here.
One more piece of advice, again to aliens…if you only have one generation – create a cable TV system that’s “All Jerry Springer, All The Time.”
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11 comments:
I need advice. I'm homeless, have two ungrateful children on drugs and do not have a backbone, or the ability to say "No!" Remember the old comedy routine about Dick Clark's trying to pronounce the word "no?" Suddenly it's not so funny anymore.
Hey, no one told me this could turn serious. But, anonymous, you evidently recognize where the problem lies. Now, finding the inner strength to do what you have to do is the hard part.
But try saying "No" a time or two. At least Dick Clark worked at it.
Sometimes we worry so much that people won't like us if we say "no," that we overlook the fact that they don't like us very much anyway, and, to be honest, we don't like ourselves all that much either.
If your description of your situation is accurate, there's not a whole lot to lose by saying "no" or whatever you need to say. And, if nothing else comes from it, you may find out you like yourself a whole lot better.
Thanks for the advice. You really are good as you have claimed to be. Here is former spineless Anonymous practicing NO! N-n-n-u-u-...
Well, I'm working on it and I will be successful.
I don't want to sound like your typical motivational speaker, although I do live in a trailer down by the river, but if you believe you will be successful, you will be successful.
The fact that you can even remember that old Gary Owens routine proves your brain has still got some creases in it (nothing worse than a smooth brain).
And, if it helps to develop a spine, go out and kick a dog. (okay, just kidding on that one) (maybe) (no really, i was) (yeah, right)
I ain't kicking no dogs, BUT, maybe some lazy kids. Yeah, that's the ticket. Thanks for the encouragement.
That could be even more fun (Side note to all law enforcement and social service people: This is a joke. I repeat, this is a joke) (yeah right) (shut up, you're going to get me in trouble) (you got your own stupid self in trouble when you started advocating kicking kids) (i did no such thing) (you did too) (who are you) (just another voice in your head) (gee that's a relief, I was worried I was dealing with reality)
Oops, sorry, but I don't think Soc. Svcs. will be able to find Anonymous, and the kids are adults, so... Anyway, your reply reminds me of a blurb you wrote a little while ago about arguing with yourself, or rehearsing arguments you anticipated. I do that, too. I am beginning to become very, very afraid.
Do you end up kneeing your opponents in their respective groins? That would be neat. (you disgust me) (oh, shut up) (no, you shut up) (i said it first)
(No, I did)...
My sister has a cartoon pasted in her laundry closet and this crazy-looking person says, "I don't mind getting in touch with reality as long as I don't have to live there."
Maybe you'd care to explain what you're doing hanging out in your sister's laundry closet. And, by the way, she must be pretty rich if even her laundry has a closet.
Hey, I have no home, so sometimes I wash clothes at her house, and her laundry area is a closet-like space in the hallway. You can hide the unsightly machines behind louvered doors.
I have no rich relatives, except for an eccentric 3rd cousin who lives in a tiny, two-bedroom house in Short Pump and she ain't letting go of any of her money.
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